Guy dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan...

Guy dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.
He says, "Oh no, am I..."
Satan says, "Yes, you are. But it's not as bad as you think. Let me give you the tour."
Guy looks around and sees that they are in a grassy field with rolling hills, chirping birds, bunny rabbits hopping around, for as far as the eye can see.
They start walking. Satan points to the right and says, "Over there is the sports center. There are three arenas, an Olympic sized pool, tennis courts, an 18 hole PGA approved golf course, and more. You can watch or participate in any one, any time you want."
Satan continues. "On the left is the theater district. Every movie and and Broadway show ever produced can be enjoyed there 24 hours a day."
Then he points ahead. "The marina is down there, where any sized craft from a dinghy to an aircraft carrier, fully crewed, is available for you."
As they proceed, they pass a fenced off area filled with molten lava all the way to the horizon. In it are hundreds of millions of people, drowning and screaming in agony.
Guy says, "See, now that's what I expected Hell to be like."
Satan replies, "Nah, we just keep that for the Christians. They seem to like it for some reason."



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My Hearing

After completing his annual physical on a patient, the doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe replied, "Yeah, my hearing."
The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better.
Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday."



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When We Were Kids

It was different when we were kids.
In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...
To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.



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Painting and Cooking

John, an avant-garde painter got married.
Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?"
"It's great," she answered. "John paints and I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked."



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A Giant's Pronouns

What are a giant's pronouns?
Fe/Fi/Fo/Fum.



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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro rol...

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro roll up to an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, halts them and sternly declares, "It's illegal to cram five people into a Quattro. 'Quattro' means four."
The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."
The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"
Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.



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Use this one yourself

3 top surgeons are sitting in a bar in _fill_in_your_city_.
One triumphantly says: “man, I still can't believe it. Today a man came into the hospital ER with his hand completely cut off and we were able to put it all back together and his hand is fully functional.”
The second one says: “dude, that's nothing… yesterday a woman came in with her entire leg amputated, carrying the leg under her arm. We stitched her back together and she walked right out of the hospital.
The third one, stares a bit.. then says: “pfft, bunch of losers, last week the police found an enormous humongous d*ck besides the road, they brought it in. We found a couple of arms and legs and stitched them to the sides. Sort of functional again, we gave him a name and he even found a job.”
“No way”, the others said.
The third says: oh yea, _fill_in_co-workers_name_, now works at _fill_in_company_name_ as _fill_in_job/function/position_.



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Fractured Dictionary, Part II

Baloney \\ba-lo'-ne\\: Where some hemlines fall.
Banquet \\bang'-kwit\\: Why the vocalist had no instrumentalists.
Bernadette \\burn'-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Boomerang \\boo'-me-rang\\: What's on top of the Ghost Cream Pie.




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Blame It On the Media

Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.
Shows how toxic the media is.




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Margin of Error

Here's some advice... At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent!
Unless the job is a statistician!



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Why is Dad's Hair White?

Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad?
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa's hair is all white!



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Why is Dad's Hair White?

Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad?
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa's hair is all white!



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Chasing His Tail

As I watched my dog chasing his tail, I thought how easily dogs are amused...
Then, I thought how easily amused I am watching my dog chase his tail.




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Close Friends

I'm close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...
I don't know 'y'.



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We Need A Doctor

A girl was walking on the side walk. She sees a man lying on the street, needing immediate help. The victim says that he is having a heart attack. The girl asks people around the street. And a man approached.
Girl: Help, are you a doctor?
Man: I am a doctor. What's going on?
Girl: A Heart Attack!
Man: I am doctor in mathematics.
Girl: He is going to die.
Man: Prove it!




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