Genie Joke

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"

Joke

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?

Cowboy hats are for assholes!

Frog Joke

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

Blonde Joke

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?

Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Sex Joke

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.

Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.

After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?"

"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

Joke

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"

The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?"

The man replies, "My mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"

Brace Joke

Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"

Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."

Marriage Joke

If a couple living together for two years in the state of Tennessee decide to relocate to the state of West Virginia, where they get married, have three children over a seven year period, and then decide to divorce, if after the man moves back to the state of Tennessee, can the couple thereafter still be referred to as brother and sister?

Joke

Why does Dolly Parton have such tiny feet?

Nothing grows in the shade.

Sex Joke

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

Joke

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said: "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

He replied: "The drugs are wearing off!"

Joke

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

Cowboy Joke

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."

Blonde Joke

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Erection Joke

A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

Sex Joke

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

Italian Joke

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Joke

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and kept the phone down

Blonde Joke

Why do blondes hate M&Ms?

They're too hard to peel.

Teacher Joke

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!"

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.

"Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.

"Pockets!" said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

Blonde Joke

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Spaghetti Joke

What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?

They both wriggle when you eat them.

Woman Joke

Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?

Theres no place like home ...

Fly Joke

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Blood Joke

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Yo Momma Joke

Yo momma is so poor, when I ring the doorbell she says "DING!"

Sex Joke

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral:

Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

Swallowing Joke

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Joke

If April showers bring May flowers then what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Joke

A girl looks at a mans tattoo: NIKE on his arms, REEBOK on his legs, she screamed when she saw AIDS on his penis.

"Relax" he said, "if it erects, it reads ADIDAS."

Tooth Joke

What do you get when you have 32 Kentuckians in the same room?

A full set of teeth.

Joke

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Woman Joke

What is the thinnest book in the world?

"What men know about women."

Violist Joke

Why don't violists play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.

Chinese Joke

Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."

Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."

Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"

Joke

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.

So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting. So he stops at the drugstore on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.

He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."

They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.)

Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything.

He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he grabs little sister ... tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun ... still not a word, though.

Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."

Sex Joke

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Joke

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends: "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."

The second Catholic man chirps: "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace."

The third Catholic gent says: "My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic man chirps: "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"

She replies: "I have a gorgeous daughter. When she walks into a room, people say,... Oh God!"

Man Joke

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Joke

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.

"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Princess Diana Joke

Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Diana:

1) Roxette - "Crash! Boom! Bang!"
2) Michael Jackson - "Blood on the dashboard!"

Bar Joke

Patty loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immedeatly falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.

The next morning, Patty's wife says, "Patty, you son of a bitch! You were at the bar last night drinking again!"

Patty was confused. "How did you find out?"

"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

Joke

Yo momma is so stupid, she puts lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.

Joke

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"

Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"

Condom Joke

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

Wall Joke

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

Beer Joke

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Penis Joke

What does a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Priest Joke

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"

Joke

A man went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."

The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"

The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"

Muscle Joke

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head.

Joke

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?

They're both filled with stiffs - except one's coming and one's going.

Burglar Joke

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

Joke

A lady goes into a grocery store to buy some tampon. As fate would have it she picked up a box without a price on it. When the cashier went to ring it up he noticed there was not a price.

As grocery cashiers are so inclined to do, he grabbed the P. A. microphone and said, "Need a price on TAMPAX!"

A stock boy who heard the garbled message thought the cashier said, "Some tacks" and promptly yelled back, "The kind you pound in with a hammer or the kind you push in with your finger?"

Joke

Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other uses a wreath.

Their husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says: "I'd better watch my wife, she came home last night with no knickers!"

The other man says: "That's fuck all, mine had a card wedged up her arse saying: we'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station."

Joke

"Mommy, Mommy, can I wear a bra now? I'm 16 ..."

"Shut up Albert ..."

Lawyer Joke

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Blonde Joke

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."

And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

CEO Joke

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

Blonde Joke

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Joke

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With World Com, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.07.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Joke

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I should take her somewhere expensive.

I took her to a petrol station!

Sex Joke

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

Blonde Joke

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.

Sex Joke

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

Sex Joke

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

Guy Joke

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!

Sex Joke

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

Blonde Joke

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?

Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Joke

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

President Joke

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."

"Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

"The handwriting's the first lady's."

Condom Joke

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

Supermarket Joke

A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,

"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Novocain Joke

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"

Airplane Joke

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the copilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on." The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too ..."

Football Joke

After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.

"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."

He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"

Tooth Joke

What do you get when you have 32 Kentuckians in the same room?

A full set of teeth.

Condom Joke

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

Police Joke

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

Sex Joke

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Joke

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said: "What is that?"

"'They're smart pills," said the other boy "Eat them and they'll make you smarter."

So he ate them and said: "These taste like shit."

"See," said the other boy, "you're already getting smarter."

Joke

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment ..."

The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn Perfect."

Bear Joke

There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree. The tree said: "I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting!"

So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females." And all the bears in the forest turned into females.

The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny.

The bear wishes: "I wish all the bears in the country are females." The wish was granted.

The rabbit says, "I wish I have a motorcycle." By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he's ever seen. The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.

The bear says: "I wish all the bears in the world are female." The wish is granted.

When it's the rabbit's turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, and says: "I wish that bear is gay."

Doctor Joke

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."

With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen" said Bob.

Joke

US Airways recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Joke

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Joke

A man wakes up hard out of a deep sleep and, nudges his wife awake and asks: "Why don't we play it on, eh?"

She replies: "I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks: "But you don't have any a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

Man Joke

What is the difference between men and government bonds?

The bonds mature.

Joke

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

Boob Joke

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

Joke

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

Sheep Joke

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep ..."

Parrot Joke

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

President Joke

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."

"Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

"The handwriting's the first lady's."

Wife Joke

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

Condom Joke

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

Husband Joke

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Alphabet Joke

Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.

Susie: "I is ..."

Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".

Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Sex Joke

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

Joke

Yo momma is so stupid, she puts lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.

Fly Joke

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Yo Momma Joke

Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."

Joke

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With World Com, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.07.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Lottery Joke

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Vampire Joke

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.

"I'll have a glass of blood," said one.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other.

"Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."

Joke

Teacher: "If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?"

Little Johnny: "Nine."

Teacher: "That's not right, you'd have eight."

Little Johnny: "No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!"

Politician Joke

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

Condom Joke

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

Blood Joke

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Doctor Joke

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Yo Momma Joke

Yo momma is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.

Clinton Joke

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Lottery Joke

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Man Joke

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Sex Joke

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

Blonde Joke

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.

Joke

A house help had a tendancy of helping neighbours with almost everything in the house.

The father asked her why the toothpicks got finished so fast and on her defence she said: "I didn't give out toothpicks. In fact I use mine and return them to the box after every use!"

Exam Joke

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there.

They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the exam and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU (Australian National University) archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?

Little Johnny Joke

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

Joke

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and kept the phone down

Blonde Joke

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?

Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Church Joke

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Joke

A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.

The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"

Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"

Man Joke

How are men and parking spaces alike?

The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Lawyer Joke

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.

The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.

After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

Golf Joke

A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, "I need a caddy who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"

"10" said the caddy.

"Great, you'll do perfectly!"

Joke

A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, Multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor asked "What happened to you?"

"Well I was playing Golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours', I don't remember much after that ..."

Blonde Joke

Why do blonde chicks have cum in their navels?

Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!

Joke

On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snotty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later, the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin:

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues ...

"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said:

"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you ..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane ...

School Joke

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Marriage Joke

Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Lawyer Joke

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Joke

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Shopping Joke

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

Joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Sex Joke

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

Joke

A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.

The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"

Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"

Man Joke

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?

Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Frog Joke

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

Money Joke

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.

"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."

The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"

"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

"What about my furniture? I paid for that."

"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"

That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

Penis Joke

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

Howard Dean Joke

Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.

Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"

Doctor Joke

A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Joke

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made ..."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!"

Wife Joke

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

Joke

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

Blind, Joke

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here ..."

Joke

Head teacher: "Are you in the top half of your class?"

Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"

Blonde Joke

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Outhouse Joke

There was a boy who had to use an outhouse and he hated it sooo bad. One day it started to rain really hard and it got the bank all slippery and wet so he decided to push it off. He did it and later that night his father asked him if he pushed off the outhouse.

He said: "Yes."

His father told his son to come with him to get his whipping.

The boy said: "George Washington didn't get in trouble when he chopped down the cherry tree because he was honest."

The boys father said: "but George Washingtons father wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."

Circumcision Joke

A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather short tempered with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.

The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."

Woman Joke

How long is the average woman in labor?

Whatever she says divided by two.

Sex Joke

Nina and Rosie were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.

Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.

Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."

Nina replied, "I know, I know."

Muscle Joke

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head.

Mechanic Joke

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A Mechanic.

Man Joke

What is the most common pregnancy craving?

For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Joke

Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."

Joke

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied: "I know the guy."

Joke

"Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!"

"Shut up and comb your face!"

Blonde Joke

A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.

Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.

The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"

Doctor Joke

A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Little Johnny Joke

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

Husband Joke

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

God Joke

What did God say after creating Adam?

I can do better.

Lawyer Joke

What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Woman Joke

How long is the average woman in labor?

Whatever she says divided by two.

Sex Joke

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

Blonde Joke

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Blonde Joke

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?

Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Sex Joke

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Husband Joke

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Blonde Joke

A ventriloquist comes onto the stage with his dummy and starts his act. One bit requires his dummy to tell Dumb-Blonde Jokes. After a few jokes, an angry blonde woman finally stands up and starts speaking her mind.

"I have had it with the stereotyping of all blondes being stupid!" the woman yells, and she continues ranting on about this.

Finally, the ventriloquist says, "Sorry ma'am ..."

The woman cuts him off by saying, "You stay out of this. I'm talkin' to the dummy."

Joke

Jenny's friend Debbie was at work complaining about a sore throat and laryngitis.

"When I have that I always give a blow job to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."

Next day Debbie comes in singing.

"How did it go?" enquires Jenny.

"Brilliant" says Debbie, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

Joke

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then closed and went back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box. She opened and shut it again. Angrily, she went back to the house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her: "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied: "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: 'You've got mail!'"

Sex Joke

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Joke

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful and offered the kids their wish.

The first kid said, "I would like to go to Disneyland."

George said: "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One!"

The second kid said: "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said: "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said: "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

George is a little perplexed by this and says: "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says: "I will be immediately, after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

Joke

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" a young son asks.

"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "thats a pussy son."

"It's wonderful dad, can I touch it?"

"No son" says Dad. "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunt up!"

Urine Joke

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

Viola Joke

What is the range of a Viola?

As far as you can kick it.

Sex Joke

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Marriage Joke

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Because they are tired of using their own.

Blonde Joke

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Lawyer Joke

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Novocain Joke

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"

Alphabet Joke

Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.

Susie: "I is ..."

Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".

Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

God Joke

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Joke

Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other uses a wreath.

Their husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says: "I'd better watch my wife, she came home last night with no knickers!"

The other man says: "That's fuck all, mine had a card wedged up her arse saying: we'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station."

Joke

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Businessman Joke

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

Birth Control Joke

They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

Lawyer Joke

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"