How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat, when she jumped in the ocean the Whales started singing "We are family ..."
Pussy Joke
"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" a young son asks.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "thats a pussy son."
"It's wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"No son" says Dad. "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunt up!"
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "thats a pussy son."
"It's wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"No son" says Dad. "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunt up!"
Credit Card Joke
A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Man Joke
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Dog Joke
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
New York Yankees Joke
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
Death Joke
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Sex Joke
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
Fireman Joke
A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
McDonald's Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Batman Joke
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
Irish Joke
The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Light Bulb Joke
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed â€" it has to be smashed.
1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed â€" it has to be smashed.
Light Bulb Joke
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
Chuck Norris Joke
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Conductor Joke
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Woman Joke
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Aspirin Joke
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
Light Bulb Joke
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Dog Joke
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
Death Joke
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Blonde Joke
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Teacher Joke
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
Microsoft Joke
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Doctor Joke
A patient says: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter.' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life'."
Dirty, Joke
You wanna hear a dirty joke?
A boy in a white shirt fell in the mud.
You wanna hear a dirtier joke?
He got back up and fell back down.
You wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with Bubbles.
You wanna hear the dirtest joke so far?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
A boy in a white shirt fell in the mud.
You wanna hear a dirtier joke?
He got back up and fell back down.
You wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with Bubbles.
You wanna hear the dirtest joke so far?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
Princess Diana Joke
Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Diana:
1) Roxette - "Crash! Boom! Bang!"
2) Michael Jackson - "Blood on the dashboard!"
1) Roxette - "Crash! Boom! Bang!"
2) Michael Jackson - "Blood on the dashboard!"
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Blonde Joke
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender: "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'', weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5'' pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says: "Not if I'm going to explain it five times."
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'', weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5'' pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says: "Not if I'm going to explain it five times."
Pervert Joke
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Sex Joke
At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"
Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"
Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"
Joke
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
Death Joke
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Manager Joke
By three measures a manager is known:
1) The thickness of the carpet in his office.
2) The area of his desk.
3) The volume of his car's engine.
1) The thickness of the carpet in his office.
2) The area of his desk.
3) The volume of his car's engine.
Sex Joke
A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"
Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."
The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"
Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You mean Measles?"
Groom: "No Kneasles, a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The Bride then removes his boxers and the bride asks: "Why are you spotted?"
Groom: "As a child I had smallpox."
Bride: "I hope you don't mean SmallCox!"
Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."
The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"
Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You mean Measles?"
Groom: "No Kneasles, a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The Bride then removes his boxers and the bride asks: "Why are you spotted?"
Groom: "As a child I had smallpox."
Bride: "I hope you don't mean SmallCox!"
Committee Joke
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Earth Joke
The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Chuck Norris Joke
Whats the difference between a dead baby and apple pie?
Chuck Norris doesn't eat the apple pie after he has sex with it.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat the apple pie after he has sex with it.
ID Joke
A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
George Michael Joke
What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
George Michael's latest release.
George Michael's latest release.
UFO Joke
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFO's.
There have been sightings of UFO's.
Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat when she was lying on the beach Green Peace tried to push her back in the water.
Man Joke
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
They already have boyfriends.
Woman Joke
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
Boss Joke
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"
"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"
Joke
Pupil: "I don't think I deserved the 0 % you gave me for that test."
Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"
Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"
Joke
When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace!
Rust in peace!
Drug Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Joke
Teacher: "Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?"
Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"
Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"
Bible Joke
Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David - He rocked Goliath to sleep.
David - He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Joke
100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
Sex Joke
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Light Bulb Joke
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Joke
Teacher: "What is further away, Australia or the Moon?"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
Santa Claus Joke
A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
Man Joke
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Conductor Joke
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Irish Joke
The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Lawyer Joke
After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.
The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.
Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.
Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
Blonde Joke
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
School Joke
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
Computer Joke
Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.
Light Bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Birth Control Joke
They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
Teacher Joke
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
Man Joke
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Light Bulb Joke
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
2) "Define 'light bulb' ..."
3) "How can you be sure it needs changing?"
4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
1) "Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
2) "Define 'light bulb' ..."
3) "How can you be sure it needs changing?"
4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
Pervert Joke
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Pork Joke
I came out of a shop munching on a huge pork pie.
A tramp was sitting on the pavement, he looked up at me and said: "I have not eaten for 3 days!"
I said: "I wish i had your willpower!"
A tramp was sitting on the pavement, he looked up at me and said: "I have not eaten for 3 days!"
I said: "I wish i had your willpower!"
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Actor Joke
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
Boss Joke
Boss: "Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of downsizing. Knock! Knock!"
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore!"
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore!"
Soprano Joke
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
Viola Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Dog Joke
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Jesus Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Woman Joke
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Fairy Tale Joke
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
Drug Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Wife Joke
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
When the kids are in college.
Light Bulb Joke
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
Chuck Norris Joke
The U.S Military has stopped dropping bombs in Iraq, and started dropping Chuck Norris, because he's cheaper and he does more damage.
Irish Joke
Bono is up on stage with U2 doing a gig at Wembley, when the song finishes he starts to slowly clap his hands and says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies!"
A voice near the front of the stage shouts to bono in a Irish accent: "Well stop fucking clapping then!"
A voice near the front of the stage shouts to bono in a Irish accent: "Well stop fucking clapping then!"
Woman Joke
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
Sex Joke
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
Lady Joke
What's the difference between a Lady in the church and lady in the bathtub?
One has Hope in her Soul and One has Soap in her Hole!
One has Hope in her Soul and One has Soap in her Hole!
Art Joke
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Fireman Joke
A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
Man Joke
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
God Joke
A man got 2 wishes from god. He asked for the best wine and best woman.
Next moment, he had the best wine and Mother Theresa next to him.
Moral: Be Specific.
Next moment, he had the best wine and Mother Theresa next to him.
Moral: Be Specific.
Police Joke
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Police are looking into it.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Love Joke
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Salesman Joke
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Joke
Mother: "How was your first day at school?"
Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"
Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"
Light Bulb Joke
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Mother Joke
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly".
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes", the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes", the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
Irish Joke
The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Dick Joke
There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, Dick, and Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pea jumps around outside.
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
Sex Joke
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
McDonald's Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Police Joke
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Police are looking into it.
Muffin Joke
A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know" she says "im gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!"
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know" she says "im gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!"
Windows Joke
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Cop Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Cowboy Joke
A cowboy walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
Baby Joke
Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar.
A pretty woman walks by and Boggs says, "I'm going to ask her out."
Garvey replied, "You can't do that, she's carrying my baby."
To which Rose added, "You wanna bet?"
A pretty woman walks by and Boggs says, "I'm going to ask her out."
Garvey replied, "You can't do that, she's carrying my baby."
To which Rose added, "You wanna bet?"
Gun Joke
How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Joke
Teacher: "What do we call the outer part of a tree?"
Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"
Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"
Pupil: "Woof, woof!"
Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"
Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"
Pupil: "Woof, woof!"
Earth Joke
The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Wife Joke
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Devil Joke
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
Microsoft Joke
Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
Sperm Joke
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Lawyer Joke
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Tit Joke
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger tits".
The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".
"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.
"Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend.
The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".
"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.
"Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend.
Car Joke
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
Joke
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
Alphabet Joke
Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.
Susie: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".
Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Susie: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".
Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Mafia Joke
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
Marriage Joke
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Husband Joke
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Joke
Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards pull out with no thought of who else might be coming!
Because the bastards pull out with no thought of who else might be coming!
Sex Joke
Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
She wants to be the first lady.
She wants to be the first lady.
Lawyer Joke
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
Diaper Joke
Politicians are like diapers.
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
President Joke
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
Husband Joke
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
Death Joke
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Light Bulb Joke
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Man Joke
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Chuck Norris Joke
Why did President Harry S. Truman drop the first atomic bomb?
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
Asshole Joke
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."
Mother Joke
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Committee Joke
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Condom Joke
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Joke
Teacher: "I told you to stand at the end of the line?"
Little Johnny: "I tried, but there was someone already there!"
Little Johnny: "I tried, but there was someone already there!"
Chuck Norris Joke
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Earthquake Joke
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
Math Joke
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Dog Joke
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Social Worker Joke
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
Sex Joke
A woman comes into a hardware store.
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
Marriage Joke
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Wife Joke
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
McDonald's Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Joke
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
Law Joke
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Arab Joke
How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Arabs just sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.
None. Arabs just sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.
Lightning Joke
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Woman Joke
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
Police Joke
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
He said, "Call for backup."
Blonde Joke
What does a blonde do with her asshole in the morning?
Pack his lunch and send him to work.
Pack his lunch and send him to work.
Woman Joke
What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Male Joke
Why were males created before females?
Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
Idiot Joke
Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Blonde Joke
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Duck Joke
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Skydiver Joke
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
Viola Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Diaper Joke
Politicians are like diapers.
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
Sex Joke
Many years ago when I was 23, I got married to a widow. This widow had a grown up daughter.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married too.
This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife!
After a few years I bacame father of a baby boy complicating the matter further. My son became the brother-in-law of my father!
My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married too.
This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife!
After a few years I bacame father of a baby boy complicating the matter further. My son became the brother-in-law of my father!
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Death Joke
A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.
"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through … Why change now?"
The man leaned forward and explained: "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."
"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through … Why change now?"
The man leaned forward and explained: "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."
Light Bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Biology Joke
How do you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology?
A Buy-ologist.
A Buy-ologist.
Windows Joke
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Baby Joke
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Lightning Joke
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Light Bulb Joke
How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
Death Joke
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Flu Joke
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Asshole Joke
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."
Doctor Joke
An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
Violin Joke
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
It's usually still in the case.
Child Joke
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Ugly, Joke
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"
He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"
He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Joke
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
Dog Joke
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in?
That's how dogs spend their lives.
That's how dogs spend their lives.
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Pink Floyd Joke
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Joke
Teacher: "What is further away, Australia or the Moon?"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Man Joke
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Pen Joke
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
Blonde Joke
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
Princess Diana Joke
What do Lady Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
Dynamite Joke
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...
Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.
The game warden told him that this was illegal.
The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"
Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.
The game warden told him that this was illegal.
The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"
Dog Joke
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
Unix Joke
Have you ever noticed that the Klingons are all speaking unix?
"Grep ls awk chmod."
"Mknod ksh tar imap."
"Wall fsck yacc!"
"Grep ls awk chmod."
"Mknod ksh tar imap."
"Wall fsck yacc!"
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Dog Joke
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Sex Joke
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
UFO Joke
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFO's.
There have been sightings of UFO's.
Husband Joke
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Breakfast Joke
The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
Wife Joke
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
Computer Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Friend Joke
Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other. One asked, "So, you've got your own company, huh? How lucky!" The other replied, "Just a small one, nothing to be proud of."
Disbelieving, the first queried, "Small? How many people work in your company?"
The other sadly answered, "About half of them."
Disbelieving, the first queried, "Small? How many people work in your company?"
The other sadly answered, "About half of them."
Sex Joke
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Sex Joke
At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"
Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"
Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Blonde Joke
Why do blonde chicks have cum in their navels?
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Joke
Pupil: "I don't think I deserved the 0 % you gave me for that test."
Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"
Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"
Little Johnny Joke
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Worm Joke
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!
Chuck Norris Joke
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Man Joke
If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.
Is he still wrong?
Is he still wrong?
Sex Joke
Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
ID Joke
A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Social Worker Joke
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
Blonde Joke
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they'll each get one wish.
The brunette and the redhead both wish they were at home.
The blonde then says, "Gee, I'm kinda lonely ... I wish my friends were here ..."
The brunette and the redhead both wish they were at home.
The blonde then says, "Gee, I'm kinda lonely ... I wish my friends were here ..."
Blonde Joke
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
Feminist Joke
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. Feminists can't change anything.
2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help.
1) None. Feminists can't change anything.
2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help.
Ugly, Joke
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"
He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"
He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
Joke
A Scottish captain once lent the referee a coin for the toss and demanded his whistle as security.
Death Joke
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Woman Joke
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
Woman Joke
What's a perfect breakfast for a woman?
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Breakfast Joke
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
Church Joke
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Outhouse Joke
There was a boy who had to use an outhouse and he hated it sooo bad. One day it started to rain really hard and it got the bank all slippery and wet so he decided to push it off. He did it and later that night his father asked him if he pushed off the outhouse.
He said: "Yes."
His father told his son to come with him to get his whipping.
The boy said: "George Washington didn't get in trouble when he chopped down the cherry tree because he was honest."
The boys father said: "but George Washingtons father wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."
He said: "Yes."
His father told his son to come with him to get his whipping.
The boy said: "George Washington didn't get in trouble when he chopped down the cherry tree because he was honest."
The boys father said: "but George Washingtons father wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."