Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Man Joke
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Woman Joke
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
Actor Joke
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
People Joke
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Woman Joke
What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Light bulb Joke
How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
UFO Joke
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFO's.
There have been sightings of UFO's.
Exercise Joke
THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM. Everyone here gets enough exercise:
1) Jumping to conclusions.
2) Flying off the handle.
3) Carrying things too far.
4) Dodging responsibilities and
5) Pushing their luck.
1) Jumping to conclusions.
2) Flying off the handle.
3) Carrying things too far.
4) Dodging responsibilities and
5) Pushing their luck.
Computer Joke
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Joke
Yo momma is so stupid, she puts lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Cop Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Car Joke
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
Florida Joke
How many Justices are there on the Florida Supreme Court?
No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!
No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!
Joke
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Heaven Joke
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Church Joke
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Light bulb Joke
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
None. The invisible hand does it.
Lawyer Joke
The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Teacher Joke
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
Little Johnny Joke
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Joke
Jenny's friend Debbie was at work complaining about a sore throat and laryngitis.
"When I have that I always give a blow job to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."
Next day Debbie comes in singing.
"How did it go?" enquires Jenny.
"Brilliant" says Debbie, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
"When I have that I always give a blow job to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."
Next day Debbie comes in singing.
"How did it go?" enquires Jenny.
"Brilliant" says Debbie, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Man Joke
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Curse Joke
A man goes to see a wizard and says: "Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?"
"Maybe" says the wizard, "If you can remember the exact words of the curse."
The man replies without hesitation: "I now pronounce you as man and wife!"
"Maybe" says the wizard, "If you can remember the exact words of the curse."
The man replies without hesitation: "I now pronounce you as man and wife!"
Pastor Joke
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Condom Joke
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Viola Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Woman Joke
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
Joke
Teacher: "Did you parents help you with these homework problems?"
Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"
Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"
Sex Joke
A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Church Joke
A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Bomb Joke
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Kangaroo Joke
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Mental, Joke
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
Pork Joke
I came out of a shop munching on a huge pork pie.
A tramp was sitting on the pavement, he looked up at me and said: "I have not eaten for 3 days!"
I said: "I wish i had your willpower!"
A tramp was sitting on the pavement, he looked up at me and said: "I have not eaten for 3 days!"
I said: "I wish i had your willpower!"
Taxi Joke
A passenger taps a taxi drivers on his shoulder. The driver shits himself with shock, swerves nearly hitting a bus and stops inches from a shop window.
"Fuck-me, your jumpy aren't yer, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.
"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for 20 years."
"Fuck-me, your jumpy aren't yer, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.
"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for 20 years."
Light bulb Joke
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Sex Joke
A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went.
The 1st girl writes: "M&M's."
Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
The 2nd girl writes: "Campbell's soup."
Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads: "Mmm ... mmm ... good."
3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: "Ford."
The mom goes to her ford and reads on a sticker: "The best never stop."
The 1st girl writes: "M&M's."
Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
The 2nd girl writes: "Campbell's soup."
Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads: "Mmm ... mmm ... good."
3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: "Ford."
The mom goes to her ford and reads on a sticker: "The best never stop."
Kangaroo Joke
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Sex Joke
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Irish Joke
The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Marine Joke
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Joke
Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Church Joke
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Lady Joke
What's the difference between a Lady in the church and lady in the bathtub?
One has Hope in her Soul and One has Soap in her Hole!
One has Hope in her Soul and One has Soap in her Hole!
Doctor Joke
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"
Woman Joke
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
Joke
Teacher: "Give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it."
Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!"
Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!"
Sex Joke
Two Greeks chat.
Costa: "Did you ever fuck your girlfriend in the other hole?"
Spiros: "You are fuckin mad. I don’t want to make her pregnant!"
Costa: "Did you ever fuck your girlfriend in the other hole?"
Spiros: "You are fuckin mad. I don’t want to make her pregnant!"
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Baby Joke
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
Light bulb Joke
How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.
Dog Joke
What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.
The dog shuts up when you let it in.
Love Joke
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Lawyer Joke
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said: "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
He replied: "The drugs are wearing off!"
His eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said: "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
He replied: "The drugs are wearing off!"
Woman Joke
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Man Joke
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Light bulb Joke
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Math Joke
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Funeral Joke
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Dirty, Joke
You wanna hear a dirty joke?
A boy in a white shirt fell in the mud.
You wanna hear a dirtier joke?
He got back up and fell back down.
You wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with Bubbles.
You wanna hear the dirtest joke so far?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
A boy in a white shirt fell in the mud.
You wanna hear a dirtier joke?
He got back up and fell back down.
You wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with Bubbles.
You wanna hear the dirtest joke so far?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
Chuck Norris Joke
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Math Joke
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
Windows Joke
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Lawyer Joke
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral.
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."
Man Joke
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Joke
Teacher: "Why were you late?"
Pupil: "Sorry, I overslept."
Techer: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"
Pupil: "Sorry, I overslept."
Techer: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"
Mafia Joke
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
Idiot Joke
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Sex Joke
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor Joke
A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Woman Joke
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
Joke
What's the difference between a pussy cat and a pussy?
One hates water while the other loves to be wet.
One hates water while the other loves to be wet.
Dick Joke
There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, Dick, and Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pea jumps around outside.
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
Sex Joke
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...
However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...
Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
Money Joke
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Woman Joke
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?
Theres no place like home ...
Theres no place like home ...
Light bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Rabbit Joke
A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!"
The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"
Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"
Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"
Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"
Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
Joke
Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Teacher Joke
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Baby Joke
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
Marriage Joke
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Baby Joke
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Joke
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Light bulb Joke
How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.
Marriage Joke
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Salesman Joke
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Light bulb Joke
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Doctor Joke
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"
Pork Joke
I came out of a shop munching on a huge pork pie.
A tramp was sitting on the pavement, he looked up at me and said: "I have not eaten for 3 days!"
I said: "I wish i had your willpower!"
A tramp was sitting on the pavement, he looked up at me and said: "I have not eaten for 3 days!"
I said: "I wish i had your willpower!"
Man Joke
Why do men want their brides to wear white?
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Princess Joke
Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."
That night the princess had frog legs for dinner.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."
That night the princess had frog legs for dinner.
Pen Joke
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
Chicken Joke
Psychiatrist: "What's your problem?"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Bar Joke
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Teacher Joke
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Microsoft Joke
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.
Joke
Teacher: "What do we call the outer part of a tree?"
Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"
Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"
Pupil: "Woof, woof!"
Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"
Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"
Pupil: "Woof, woof!"
Gun Joke
How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Florida Joke
Why are all the unemployed in Palm Beach County, Florida sitting on the dock?
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
Man Joke
If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.
Is he still wrong?
Is he still wrong?
Lawyer Joke
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
Man Joke
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Both of them.
Chuck Norris Joke
The U.S Military has stopped dropping bombs in Iraq, and started dropping Chuck Norris, because he's cheaper and he does more damage.
Pink Floyd Joke
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Chuck Norris Joke
The U.S Military has stopped dropping bombs in Iraq, and started dropping Chuck Norris, because he's cheaper and he does more damage.
Man Joke
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Man Joke
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Pig Joke
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Let the bitch cook in the dark.
None, Let the bitch cook in the dark.
Microsoft Joke
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.
Sex Joke
Little Johny asked her mummy: "Mum are little birds made of metal?"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Blonde Joke
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
UFO Joke
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFO's.
There have been sightings of UFO's.
Cop Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Parrot Joke
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
Sperm Joke
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
General Joke
A general calls a colonel: "Do you have a couple of smart majors?"
"Yes Sir, I do."
"Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around."
"Yes Sir, I do."
"Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around."
Lawyer Joke
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Job Joke
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Windows Joke
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Light bulb Joke
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
Gynecologist Joke
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Biology Joke
How do you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology?
A Buy-ologist.
A Buy-ologist.
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Sperm Joke
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Blonde Joke
Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.
"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.
"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
Police Joke
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Police are looking into it.
Man Joke
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Joke
Head teacher: "Are you in the top half of your class?"
Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"
Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"
Joke
Teacher: "In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question."
Pupil: "How long for the answer sir!"
Pupil: "How long for the answer sir!"
Wife Joke
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
When the kids are in college.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Child Joke
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Sex Joke
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Headache Joke
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
Muffin Joke
A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know" she says "im gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!"
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know" she says "im gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!"
Wife Joke
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Baseball Joke
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Blonde Joke
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Computer Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Man Joke
If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Doctor Joke
A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Chuck Norris Joke
Why did President Harry S. Truman drop the first atomic bomb?
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
Man Joke
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Dog Joke
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read without the word dog.
Now read without the word dog.
Joke
Head teacher: "Are you in the top half of your class?"
Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"
Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"
Man Joke
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Woman Joke
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
Light bulb Joke
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Flu Joke
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Supermarket Joke
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Golf Joke
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
Gynecologist Joke
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Light bulb Joke
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Will this be on the test?
Will this be on the test?
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Joke
Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Sex Joke
A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood.
"How often a week do you have sex with your wife?" asked the inquirer.
"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.
"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.
"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."
"How often a week do you have sex with your wife?" asked the inquirer.
"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.
"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.
"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."
Lawyer Joke
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
People Joke
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Sex Joke
An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq. During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"
The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."
A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has sex with the camel. He asks the soldier: "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel!"
The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."
A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has sex with the camel. He asks the soldier: "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel!"
Light bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Woman Joke
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.
Sex Joke
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
Social worker Joke
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
Army Joke
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
Mother Joke
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Light bulb Joke
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Dog Joke
What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.
The dog shuts up when you let it in.
Florida Joke
How many Justices are there on the Florida Supreme Court?
No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!
No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!
Dick Joke
There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, Dick, and Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pea jumps around outside.
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
Social worker Joke
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Marriage Joke
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Police Joke
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Police are looking into it.
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Sex Joke
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Boss Joke
A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
Joke
"Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said."
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
Man Joke
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Soprano Joke
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
Sex Joke
A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Drug Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Money Joke
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
UFO Joke
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFO's.
There have been sightings of UFO's.
Biology Joke
How do you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology?
A Buy-ologist.
A Buy-ologist.
Sex Joke
Two Greeks chat.
Costa: "Did you ever fuck your girlfriend in the other hole?"
Spiros: "You are fuckin mad. I don’t want to make her pregnant!"
Costa: "Did you ever fuck your girlfriend in the other hole?"
Spiros: "You are fuckin mad. I don’t want to make her pregnant!"
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Joke
One good thing about getting older is that multi-tasking becomes easier.
You can sneeze, piss and shit yourself all at the same time!
You can sneeze, piss and shit yourself all at the same time!
Woman Joke
What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
People Joke
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Joke
"Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said."
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
Doctor Joke
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Gun Joke
How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Man Joke
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Man Joke
I asked my wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her: "How about the kitchen?"
She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her: "How about the kitchen?"
Woman Joke
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Police Joke
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Police are looking into it.
Light bulb Joke
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Doctor Joke
A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Elephant Joke
The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
Dick Joke
There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, Dick, and Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pea jumps around outside.
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
Police Joke
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
He said, "Call for backup."
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Joke
Teacher: "Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago?"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Diaper Joke
Politicians are like diapers.
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
Chuck Norris Joke
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Santa Claus Joke
A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Sex Joke
Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
She wants to be the first lady.
She wants to be the first lady.
Fire Joke
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Lawyer Joke
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Soldier Joke
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Florida Joke
How many Justices are there on the Florida Supreme Court?
No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!
No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!
New York Yankees Joke
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
Teacher Joke
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Pink Floyd Joke
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Light bulb Joke
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Condom Joke
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Doctor Joke
A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Idiot Joke
Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Lottery Joke
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Dog Joke
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read without the word dog.
Now read without the word dog.