The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"
Florida Joke
Why are all the unemployed in Palm Beach County, Florida sitting on the dock?
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
Joke
Head teacher: "Are you in the top half of your class?"
Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"
Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Windows Joke
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Hymn Joke
Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Dog Joke
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
Chuck Norris Joke
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Fishing Joke
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.
Sex Joke
Husband and Wife on 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: "What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago?"
He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".
She says: "What are you thinking now?"
"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"
He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".
She says: "What are you thinking now?"
"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"
Joke
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.
Sex Joke
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?
Violin Joke
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
It's usually still in the case.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
Windows Joke
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Sex Joke
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?
Money Joke
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Biology Joke
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Frog Joke
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
Joke
Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Dog Joke
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
Bible Joke
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Lightning Joke
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Perfume Joke
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
Light bulb Joke
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Woman Joke
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
Woman Joke
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Windows Joke
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Joke
One day a man was at a hotel and had a leak in his sink.
So, he calls the front desk and says: "I have a leak."
Then the front desk person says: "Go ahead."
So, he calls the front desk and says: "I have a leak."
Then the front desk person says: "Go ahead."
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Computer Joke
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Woman Joke
After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Chuck Norris Joke
Why did President Harry S. Truman drop the first atomic bomb?
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
Joke
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Dirty, Joke
You wanna hear a dirty joke?
A boy in a white shirt fell in the mud.
You wanna hear a dirtier joke?
He got back up and fell back down.
You wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with Bubbles.
You wanna hear the dirtest joke so far?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
A boy in a white shirt fell in the mud.
You wanna hear a dirtier joke?
He got back up and fell back down.
You wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with Bubbles.
You wanna hear the dirtest joke so far?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
Joke
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Lightning Joke
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Doctor Joke
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Sex Joke
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Bomb Joke
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Chuck Norris Joke
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Wife Joke
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Lawyer Joke
After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.
The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.
Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.
Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
Police Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Man Joke
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
They already have boyfriends.
Sex Joke
Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Dog Joke
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
Light bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Joke
A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photos of women that he could find.
He bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying: "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which is yours, please keep your photo and return the others."
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photos of women that he could find.
He bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying: "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which is yours, please keep your photo and return the others."
Dick Joke
There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, Dick, and Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pea jumps around outside.
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
Sex Joke
How do you teach a blonde maths?
Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
Microsoft Joke
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Skunk Joke
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
There are skid marks before of the skunk.
There are skid marks before of the skunk.
God Joke
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
Chuck Norris Joke
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Woman Joke
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Dog Joke
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
Sex Joke
Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
She wants to be the first lady.
She wants to be the first lady.
Drug Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Light bulb Joke
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Will this be on the test?
Will this be on the test?
Man Joke
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
Art Joke
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
Lawyer Joke
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Curse Joke
A man goes to see a wizard and says: "Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?"
"Maybe" says the wizard, "If you can remember the exact words of the curse."
The man replies without hesitation: "I now pronounce you as man and wife!"
"Maybe" says the wizard, "If you can remember the exact words of the curse."
The man replies without hesitation: "I now pronounce you as man and wife!"
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Husband Joke
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said: "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said: "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
One woman said: "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said: "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
Love Joke
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Mental, Joke
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
Joke
Art Teacher: "The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?"
Pupil: "The horse will draw it!"
Pupil: "The horse will draw it!"
Salesman Joke
A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."
The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"
The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"
Husband Joke
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
Sheep Joke
This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep ..."
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep ..."
Elephant Joke
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
Big holes all over Australia!
German, Joke
A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first floor and a German on second, got on fire. Who survived?
The German. He was out practicing marching.
The German. He was out practicing marching.
Soprano Joke
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
Man Joke
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Man Joke
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
They already have boyfriends.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
Earth Joke
The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Howard Dean Joke
Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
Baby Joke
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
Lawyer Joke
A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Fish Joke
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
Sex Joke
Nina and Rosie were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.
Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.
Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."
Nina replied, "I know, I know."
Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.
Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."
Nina replied, "I know, I know."
Cat Joke
"A philosopher," said the theologian, "is like a blind man in a darkened room looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"That's right," the philosopher replied, "and if he were a theologian, he'd find it."
"That's right," the philosopher replied, "and if he were a theologian, he'd find it."
Lottery Joke
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Sex Joke
Little Patrik asked for a bike for his Birthday. His dad said: "We'd get you one but your mortgage is $80,000 and your mum has lost her job."
Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?"
Patrick replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was comintoo, I'm not staying here on me own with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"
Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?"
Patrick replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was comintoo, I'm not staying here on me own with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"
Duck Joke
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Joke
Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Wife Joke
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
Boss Joke
A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
Marriage Joke
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Baseball Joke
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Woman Joke
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Soprano Joke
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
Lawyer Joke
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Sex Joke
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
Joke
Yo momma is so stupid, she puts lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Chuck Norris Joke
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force. The light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris.
Death Joke
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Wife Joke
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Elephant Joke
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
Big holes all over Australia!
Man Joke
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
Biology Joke
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Light bulb Joke
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
Light bulb Joke
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Baby Joke
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Penis Joke
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."
The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."
The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Pink Floyd Joke
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Joke
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Woman Joke
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Woman Joke
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?
Theres no place like home ...
Theres no place like home ...
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Joke
Pupil: "I don't think I deserved the 0 % you gave me for that test."
Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"
Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"
Math Joke
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Joke
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they have to repeat everything they say.
Because they have to repeat everything they say.
Teacher Joke
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
Joke
What's the difference between a pussy cat and a pussy?
One hates water while the other loves to be wet.
One hates water while the other loves to be wet.
Sex Joke
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Lawyer Joke
4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin.
Light bulb Joke
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Lawyer Joke
A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
Drug Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Beer Joke
Two frat boys were stranded at sea in a life boat. On the 4th day, a mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to save their lives.
The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out,"I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And it happened.
A litle while later the other one shouted,"Great, now we have to pee in the boat!"
The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out,"I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And it happened.
A litle while later the other one shouted,"Great, now we have to pee in the boat!"
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Joke
Teacher: "I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you've only done it 7 times?"
Little Johnny: "Looks like my counting isn't too good either!"
Little Johnny: "Looks like my counting isn't too good either!"
Computer Joke
Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.
Winston Churchill Joke
A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
Lawyer Joke
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
People Joke
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Baby Joke
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Teacher Joke
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
Sex Joke
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Seagull Joke
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
School Joke
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"
UFO Joke
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFO's.
There have been sightings of UFO's.
Man Joke
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Joke
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My mother-in-law is an angel."
His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."
His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."
Sex Joke
A woman comes into a hardware store.
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
People Joke
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Light bulb Joke
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Will this be on the test?
Will this be on the test?
Man Joke
Why do men want their brides to wear white?
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!
Coffin Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
School Joke
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"
Football Joke
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
Money Joke
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
McDonald's Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Penguin Joke
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Joke
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Devil Joke
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
Sex Joke
A woman comes into a hardware store.
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
Sex Joke
A woman comes into a hardware store.
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
Chuck Norris Joke
The U.S Military has stopped dropping bombs in Iraq, and started dropping Chuck Norris, because he's cheaper and he does more damage.
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Dog Joke
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in?
That's how dogs spend their lives.
That's how dogs spend their lives.
Lawyer Joke
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
Light bulb Joke
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Mechanic Joke
A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."
When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.
"Hello," the mechanic answers.
"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.
The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."
"Oh, is that a record?" she says.
"No," he says, "but it's better than average."
When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.
"Hello," the mechanic answers.
"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.
The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."
"Oh, is that a record?" she says.
"No," he says, "but it's better than average."
Chinese Joke
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
Man Joke
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Coffin Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
Microsoft Joke
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Funeral Joke
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Microsoft Joke
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.
Exercise Joke
THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM. Everyone here gets enough exercise:
1) Jumping to conclusions.
2) Flying off the handle.
3) Carrying things too far.
4) Dodging responsibilities and
5) Pushing their luck.
1) Jumping to conclusions.
2) Flying off the handle.
3) Carrying things too far.
4) Dodging responsibilities and
5) Pushing their luck.
Santa Claus Joke
A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
Male Joke
Why were males created before females?
Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
Headache Joke
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
Light bulb Joke
How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.
1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.
Joke
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I should take her somewhere expensive.
I took her to a petrol station!
I took her to a petrol station!
Woman Joke
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?
Theres no place like home ...
Theres no place like home ...
Joke
Father: "How are your grades, son?"
Son: "Under water, Dad."
Father: "Under water? What do you mean?"
Son: "They're below C level."
Son: "Under water, Dad."
Father: "Under water? What do you mean?"
Son: "They're below C level."
Land mine Joke
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
Fire Joke
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Man Joke
If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Biology Joke
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Light bulb Joke
How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.
1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.
Sex Joke
Little Johny asked her mummy: "Mum are little birds made of metal?"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Fear Joke
Franklin D. Roosevelt once said "There is nothing to fear but fear itself ... and Chuck Norris"
Baseball Joke
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Woman Joke
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
Woman Joke
What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Dynamite Joke
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...
Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.
The game warden told him that this was illegal.
The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"
Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.
The game warden told him that this was illegal.
The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"
Lawyer Joke
A young lawyer who had taken over his father's practice rushed home totally elated.
"Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally settled that old Whitmore suit."
"Settled it!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!"
"Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally settled that old Whitmore suit."
"Settled it!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!"
Death Joke
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Devil Joke
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
Light bulb Joke
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Microsoft Joke
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Car Joke
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
Church Joke
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Chuck Norris Joke
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Football Joke
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Joke
Yo momma is so dirty, that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!
Doctor Joke
A man went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
Tarzan Joke
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.
In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.
In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."
Drug Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Viola Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Joke
How can you tell if you cut a really potent fart while in the grocery store?
The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.
The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.
Man Joke
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Tit Joke
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
Light bulb Joke
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better.
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better.
Child Joke
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Chuck Norris Joke
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Golf Joke
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
Chuck Norris Joke
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force. The light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris.
Light bulb Joke
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Joke
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
Woman Joke
What's a perfect breakfast for a woman?
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Tit Joke
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Sex Joke
A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went.
The 1st girl writes: "M&M's."
Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
The 2nd girl writes: "Campbell's soup."
Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads: "Mmm ... mmm ... good."
3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: "Ford."
The mom goes to her ford and reads on a sticker: "The best never stop."
The 1st girl writes: "M&M's."
Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
The 2nd girl writes: "Campbell's soup."
Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads: "Mmm ... mmm ... good."
3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: "Ford."
The mom goes to her ford and reads on a sticker: "The best never stop."
Hymn Joke
Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
Chuck Norris Joke
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Homework Joke
Sam: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Handcuff Joke
Police Quote: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
Wife Joke
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
Joke
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Fishing Joke
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
Pink Floyd Joke
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Lawyer Joke
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
Chinese Joke
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
Light bulb Joke
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Will this be on the test?
Will this be on the test?
Aspirin Joke
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
Chuck Norris Joke
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force. The light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris.
Hymn Joke
Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
Light bulb Joke
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Lawyer Joke
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Chicken Joke
Psychiatrist: "What's your problem?"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Bar Joke
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Sex Joke
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...
However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Tit Joke
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Wife Joke
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
When the kids are in college.
Florida Joke
Why are all the unemployed in Palm Beach County, Florida sitting on the dock?
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Light bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Actor Joke
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
Money Joke
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Joke
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Animal Joke
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Arab Joke
How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Arabs just sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.
None. Arabs just sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
Woman Joke
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
Fishing Joke
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
Mother Joke
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Actor Joke
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
Prime minister Joke
Gordon Brown was lookin for a lady of the night. He found a girl in a local pub. He said: "I'm Prime minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend time with you ...?"
Her reply: "Mr prime minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners - then it won't cost a fucking penny!"
Her reply: "Mr prime minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners - then it won't cost a fucking penny!"
Sex Joke
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!
Joke
Teacher: "What is further away, Australia or the Moon?"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"