Cat Joke
Teacher: "Johnny why is your cat at school today?"
John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fuckin pussy!"
John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fuckin pussy!"
Boss Joke
Boss: "Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of downsizing. Knock! Knock!"
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore!"
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore!"
Blonde Joke
Why do blonde chicks have cum in their navels?
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
Fairy tale Joke
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
Bible Joke
When was the longest day in the Bible?
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
Man Joke
If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.
Is he still wrong?
Is he still wrong?
Man Joke
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Penis Joke
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Light bulb Joke
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.
2) None. It's a hardware problem!
3) Just one. But the house falls down.
4) Two. One resigns halfway through the project.
5) 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.
6) Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?
1) None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.
2) None. It's a hardware problem!
3) Just one. But the house falls down.
4) Two. One resigns halfway through the project.
5) 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.
6) Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?
Bible Joke
When was the longest day in the Bible?
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Idiot Joke
Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Sex Joke
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Biology Joke
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
McDonald's Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
President Joke
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
Joke
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Lightning Joke
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Florida Joke
Why are all the unemployed in Palm Beach County, Florida sitting on the dock?
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
Wife Joke
If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?
Lawyer Joke
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Blonde Joke
What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Joke
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Woman Joke
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Sex Joke
A woman comes into a hardware store.
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
Soprano Joke
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
Marine Joke
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
Philosophy Joke
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly:
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly:
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Light bulb Joke
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed â€" it has to be smashed.
1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed â€" it has to be smashed.
Man Joke
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Microsoft Joke
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Blonde Joke
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Police Joke
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
He said, "Call for backup."
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat when she was lying on the beach Green Peace tried to push her back in the water.
ID Joke
A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Teacher Joke
Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."
Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 ponds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 Minites.
(And what is the difference between a brunette and a blonde?
Maybe 4 to 5 less mistakes in typing the joke up for people to understand.)
This was a re-submitted joke of another which had fail spelling as you can see.
About 45 ponds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 Minites.
(And what is the difference between a brunette and a blonde?
Maybe 4 to 5 less mistakes in typing the joke up for people to understand.)
This was a re-submitted joke of another which had fail spelling as you can see.
Lawyer Joke
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Sex Joke
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.
No fee, Chen Lee.
Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.
No fee, Chen Lee.
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Computer Joke
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.
Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.
He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.
Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.
Man Joke
If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Computer Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Woman Joke
What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat when she was lying on the beach Green Peace tried to push her back in the water.
Idiot Joke
Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Light bulb Joke
How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Two. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the other and take all the credit.
2) None. There is no honor in changing a light bulb, besides, a true warrior isn't afraid of the dark.
1) Two. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the other and take all the credit.
2) None. There is no honor in changing a light bulb, besides, a true warrior isn't afraid of the dark.
Man Joke
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Light bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Woman Joke
After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Joke
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said: "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
Sex Joke
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
Woman Joke
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
Penis Joke
A man says to his wife: "Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
His wife replies: "You have a bigger willy than your brother!"
His wife replies: "You have a bigger willy than your brother!"
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Joke
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Lottery Joke
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
Salesman Joke
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Lying Joke
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Joke
The secretary saw her boss pant's zip open.
She tells him: "Sir your garage door is open."
Boss: "Did you see my Ferrari?"
Secretary: "I saw a small scooter with two punctured wheels."
She tells him: "Sir your garage door is open."
Boss: "Did you see my Ferrari?"
Secretary: "I saw a small scooter with two punctured wheels."
Man Joke
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Woman Joke
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Joke
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I should take her somewhere expensive.
I took her to a petrol station!
I took her to a petrol station!
Fly Joke
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Sex Joke
Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Lightning Joke
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Joke
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment ..."
The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn Perfect."
The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn Perfect."
Cat Joke
Teacher: "Johnny why is your cat at school today?"
John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fuckin pussy!"
John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fuckin pussy!"
Police Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Boss Joke
Boss: "Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of downsizing. Knock! Knock!"
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore!"
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore!"
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
General Joke
A general calls a colonel: "Do you have a couple of smart majors?"
"Yes Sir, I do."
"Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around."
"Yes Sir, I do."
"Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around."
Blonde Joke
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"
Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"
Windows Joke
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Marriage Joke
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Breakfast Joke
The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
God Joke
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Viola Joke
Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
Joke
A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"
The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?"
The man replies, "My mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"
The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?"
The man replies, "My mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"
Math Joke
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Joke
Teacher: "What is further away, Australia or the Moon?"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Penis Joke
What does a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Joke
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Blonde Joke
What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
The blonde works in the dark!
The blonde works in the dark!
Sex Joke
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
Joke
Why are breasts located in the upper half of a woman’s body?
So that milk should be kept away from the pussy!
So that milk should be kept away from the pussy!
Idiot Joke
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Christopher Reeve Joke
What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and O. J. Simpson?
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair ... and OJ walked!
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair ... and OJ walked!
Beer Joke
Two frat boys were stranded at sea in a life boat. On the 4th day, a mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to save their lives.
The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out,"I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And it happened.
A litle while later the other one shouted,"Great, now we have to pee in the boat!"
The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out,"I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And it happened.
A litle while later the other one shouted,"Great, now we have to pee in the boat!"
Lawyer Joke
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Man Joke
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Joke
"What's the matter with your dinner?"
"Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten!"
"Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten!"
Joke
My mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her, but he didn't know if he had enough gas.
Hymn Joke
Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
Woman Joke
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Blonde Joke
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There's whiteout on the screen.
There's whiteout on the screen.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat, when she jumped in the ocean the Whales started singing "We are family ..."
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Blonde Joke
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Manager Joke
Meeting rules for managers:
1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.
Penis Joke
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.
But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.
Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.
Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.
Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.
Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Money Joke
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
McDonald's Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Computer Joke
Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.
Joke
Teacher: "Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago?"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Golf Joke
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
Light bulb Joke
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
Computer Joke
Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Man Joke
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Lottery Joke
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Chuck Norris Joke
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Microsoft Joke
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Economist Joke
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
Navy Joke
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Math Joke
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Light bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Fishing Joke
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
Joke
Teacher: "Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?"
Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"
Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"
Chuck Norris Joke
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Salesman Joke
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Doctor Joke
A man went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
Computer Joke
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Light bulb Joke
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
God Joke
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
Lawyer Joke
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had $100 when we broke in!"
The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had $100 when we broke in!"
Lawyer Joke
A young lawyer who had taken over his father's practice rushed home totally elated.
"Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally settled that old Whitmore suit."
"Settled it!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!"
"Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally settled that old Whitmore suit."
"Settled it!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!"
Cow Joke
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
Breakfast Joke
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Fireman Joke
A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
Computer Joke
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Sex Joke
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Chicken Joke
Psychiatrist: "What's your problem?"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Man Joke
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Teacher Joke
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Sex Joke
Little Johny asked her mummy: "Mum are little birds made of metal?"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Boss Joke
A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
Joke
Teacher: "I told you to stand at the end of the line?"
Little Johnny: "I tried, but there was someone already there!"
Little Johnny: "I tried, but there was someone already there!"
Breakfast Joke
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
Car Joke
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
Blonde Joke
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."
And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."
And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Manager Joke
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
Lottery Joke
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Man Joke
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Joke
Yo momma is so stupid, she puts lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Joke
Teacher: "What is further away, Australia or the Moon?"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Supermarket Joke
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Woman Joke
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Fire Joke
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Man Joke
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Chuck Norris Joke
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Princess Diana Joke
What do Lady Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
Lightning Joke
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Sex Joke
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time!
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time!
Committee Joke
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Man Joke
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
General Joke
A general calls a colonel: "Do you have a couple of smart majors?"
"Yes Sir, I do."
"Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around."
"Yes Sir, I do."
"Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around."
Woman Joke
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Joke
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I should take her somewhere expensive.
I took her to a petrol station!
I took her to a petrol station!
Doctor Joke
An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
Money Joke
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.
Hospital Joke
A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, Multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The doctor asked "What happened to you?"
"Well I was playing Golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours', I don't remember much after that ..."
The doctor asked "What happened to you?"
"Well I was playing Golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours', I don't remember much after that ..."
Microsoft Joke
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.
Homework Joke
Sam: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Handcuff Joke
Police Quote: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Lawyer Joke
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Supermarket Joke
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Christopher Reeve Joke
What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and O. J. Simpson?
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair ... and OJ walked!
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair ... and OJ walked!
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat when she was lying on the beach Green Peace tried to push her back in the water.
Fish Joke
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
Police Joke
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Police are looking into it.
Joke
100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
Bill Clinton Joke
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
Marriage Joke
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Lawyer Joke
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
Blonde Joke
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Pink Floyd Joke
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Teacher Joke
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Joke
Yo mama is so stupid, that she tucks the sleeping pills in every night so they will remain sleeping!
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Wife Joke
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
When the kids are in college.
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Dog Joke
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
Pig Joke
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Let the bitch cook in the dark.
None, Let the bitch cook in the dark.
Child Joke
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Doctor Joke
An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
Joke
Mother: "How was your first day at school?"
Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"
Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"
Brick Joke
A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top accidently knocked a brick off the 50th story. When looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground.
The boss looked up at the worker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you lady."
Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD"
The boss looked up at the worker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you lady."
Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD"
Lawyer Joke
A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
Lottery Joke
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Joke
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Man Joke
If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Animal Joke
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Army Joke
At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Bible Joke
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
Light bulb Joke
How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you joking? They can't even change a dirty diaper!
Are you joking? They can't even change a dirty diaper!
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Deodorant Joke
Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
Woman Joke
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked: "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Lawyer Joke
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Joke
Pupil (on phone): "My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today."
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
Sex Joke
3 little ducks go into a bar. "What's your name the barman asks the first duck?" "Huey" was the reply. "Hows your day been Huey?" "Great, I've been in and out of puddles all day ... what more could a duck want?"
"What's your name he asked the 2nd duck?" "Dewey" was the reply "... and I've been in and out of puddles all day as well."
He turned to the 3rd duck and said: "I suppose your Louie ...?" "No she said batting her eyelids ... my name is puddles!"
"What's your name he asked the 2nd duck?" "Dewey" was the reply "... and I've been in and out of puddles all day as well."
He turned to the 3rd duck and said: "I suppose your Louie ...?" "No she said batting her eyelids ... my name is puddles!"
Joke
Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk.
"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'."
"True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."
"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'."
"True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."
Man Joke
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Mental, Joke
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
Computer Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Woman Joke
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
Sex Joke
Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Lawyer Joke
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
She, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?
She, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?
Sex Joke
Little Patrik asked for a bike for his Birthday. His dad said: "We'd get you one but your mortgage is $80,000 and your mum has lost her job."
Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?"
Patrick replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was comintoo, I'm not staying here on me own with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"
Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?"
Patrick replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was comintoo, I'm not staying here on me own with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat when she was lying on the beach Green Peace tried to push her back in the water.
School Joke
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
Mental, Joke
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Muffin Joke
A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know" she says "im gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!"
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know" she says "im gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!"
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Gynecologist Joke
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Blonde Joke
If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.
Lawyer Joke
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.