What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Blonde Joke
What's the Blonde's cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N. ... ah, oh well ... I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea ..."
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N. ... ah, oh well ... I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea ..."
Birth control Joke
They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
Sex Joke
A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!
Jesus Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny Joke
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Man Joke
If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Golf Joke
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
Fire Joke
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Lawyer Joke
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
Actor Joke
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Teacher Joke
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight ... not because he’s afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Doctor Joke
A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Computer Joke
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Lawyer Joke
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Blonde Joke
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."
And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."
And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Joke
Teacher: "What is further away, Australia or the Moon?"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Lawyer Joke
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.
Unix Joke
Have you ever noticed that the Klingons are all speaking unix?
"Grep ls awk chmod."
"Mknod ksh tar imap."
"Wall fsck yacc!"
"Grep ls awk chmod."
"Mknod ksh tar imap."
"Wall fsck yacc!"
Muscle Joke
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head.
Microsoft Joke
Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
Blonde Joke
What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Light bulb Joke
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Dog Joke
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in?
That's how dogs spend their lives.
That's how dogs spend their lives.
Chinese Joke
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
Mother Joke
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Joke
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Marriage Joke
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Blonde Joke
If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.
Blonde Joke
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Man Joke
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
They already have boyfriends.
Man Joke
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
Alphabet Joke
Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.
Susie: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".
Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Susie: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".
Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Doctor Joke
A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Chicken Joke
Psychiatrist: "What's your problem?"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Joke
The school phoned me today and said: "Your son has been telling lies!"
I said: "Well tell him he's bloody good. I ain't got any kids!"
I said: "Well tell him he's bloody good. I ain't got any kids!"
Light bulb Joke
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
Man Joke
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Lying Joke
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Sex Joke
3 little ducks go into a bar. "What's your name the barman asks the first duck?" "Huey" was the reply. "Hows your day been Huey?" "Great, I've been in and out of puddles all day ... what more could a duck want?"
"What's your name he asked the 2nd duck?" "Dewey" was the reply "... and I've been in and out of puddles all day as well."
He turned to the 3rd duck and said: "I suppose your Louie ...?" "No she said batting her eyelids ... my name is puddles!"
"What's your name he asked the 2nd duck?" "Dewey" was the reply "... and I've been in and out of puddles all day as well."
He turned to the 3rd duck and said: "I suppose your Louie ...?" "No she said batting her eyelids ... my name is puddles!"
Sex Joke
How does natural selection differ from sexual selection?
In distinction to natural selection, sexual selection may be natural, unnatural, or perverted.
In distinction to natural selection, sexual selection may be natural, unnatural, or perverted.
Birth control Joke
They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Joke
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I should take her somewhere expensive.
I took her to a petrol station!
I took her to a petrol station!
Joke
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because the ones that can run, jump, or swim are already in the U. S.
Dog Joke
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read without the word dog.
Now read without the word dog.
Man Joke
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Man Joke
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Microsoft Joke
Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
Cat Joke
Teacher: "Johnny why is your cat at school today?"
John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fuckin pussy!"
John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fuckin pussy!"
Joke
How can you tell if you cut a really potent fart while in the grocery store?
The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.
The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.
Soldier Joke
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
Man Joke
If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.
Is he still wrong?
Is he still wrong?
Joke
Head teacher: "Are you in the top half of your class?"
Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"
Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Sex Joke
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Golf Joke
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
Boyfriend Joke
Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"
"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."
"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."
Joke
A Scottish captain once lent the referee a coin for the toss and demanded his whistle as security.
Princess Diana Joke
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls.
Casper can go through walls.
Light bulb Joke
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Computer Joke
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Man Joke
If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.
Is he still wrong?
Is he still wrong?
School Joke
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
Flu Joke
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Bomb Joke
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Lawyer Joke
A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
Blonde Joke
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There's whiteout on the screen.
There's whiteout on the screen.
Money Joke
A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.
He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.
The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.
The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.
They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.
The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"
The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."
He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.
The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.
The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.
They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.
The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"
The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."
Blonde Joke
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Boss Joke
A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
Man Joke
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Viola Joke
Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
Lottery Joke
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
Salvation Army Joke
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Woman Joke
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Man Joke
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
They already have boyfriends.
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Dog Joke
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Light bulb Joke
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Sex Joke
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
Physicist Joke
How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
Computer Joke
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bible Joke
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
Car Joke
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
Joke
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Woman Joke
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"
"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"
"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"
"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
Animal Joke
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Computer Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Viola Joke
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
Death Joke
Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her: "Prepare yourself for widowhood ... Your husband is about to die a violent death."
Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: "Will I be acquitted?"
Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: "Will I be acquitted?"
Princess Diana Joke
What do Lady Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
Birth control Joke
They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
Parrot Joke
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
Viola Joke
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
Golf Joke
Golf rules for beginners:
1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes.
Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes.
Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
Bible Joke
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
Man Joke
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Chemist Joke
Chemist's last words
1) And now the tasting test ...
2) And now shake it a bit ...
3) In which glass was my mineral water?
4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5) And now the detonating gas problem.
6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7) Now you can take the protection window away ...
8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9) And now a cigarette ...
1) And now the tasting test ...
2) And now shake it a bit ...
3) In which glass was my mineral water?
4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5) And now the detonating gas problem.
6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7) Now you can take the protection window away ...
8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9) And now a cigarette ...
Marriage Joke
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Joke
100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
Sex Joke
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Blonde Joke
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There's whiteout on the screen.
There's whiteout on the screen.
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Michael Jackson Joke
What does Michael Jackson have in common with the NASA?
It's been 25 years since his first moonwalk.
It's been 25 years since his first moonwalk.
Love Joke
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Dog Joke
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
Genie Joke
A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."
The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"
"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.
Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.
"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.
The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.
The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"
"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.
Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.
"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.
The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.
Bomb Joke
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Man Joke
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
They already have boyfriends.
Committee Joke
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Elephant Joke
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
Big holes all over Australia!
Pig Joke
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Let the bitch cook in the dark.
None, Let the bitch cook in the dark.
Joke
Yo mama is so stupid, that she tucks the sleeping pills in every night so they will remain sleeping!
Joke
What's the difference between a pussy cat and a pussy?
One hates water while the other loves to be wet.
One hates water while the other loves to be wet.
Dick Joke
There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, Dick, and Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pea jumps around outside.
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
Joke
My friend thinks he's smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
Man Joke
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Man Joke
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Baby Joke
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
Joke
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My mother-in-law is an angel."
His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."
His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."
Math Joke
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Pink Floyd Joke
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Sex Joke
Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
Woman Joke
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Law Joke
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
Man Joke
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Preacher Joke
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"
Joke
Pupil (on phone): "My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today."
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
Bill Clinton Joke
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
Wife Joke
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
Sex Joke
Little Johny asked her mummy: "Mum are little birds made of metal?"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Birth control Joke
They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
Wife Joke
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
Pervert Joke
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Man Joke
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Atom Joke
A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
"I'm positive." replied the atom.
"I'm positive." replied the atom.
Teacher Joke
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Man Joke
If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.
Is he still wrong?
Is he still wrong?
Marriage Joke
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
Mental, Joke
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
Social worker Joke
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
Bible Joke
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
Arab Joke
How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Arabs just sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.
None. Arabs just sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.
Husband Joke
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Windows Joke
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Joke
Head teacher: "Are you in the top half of your class?"
Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"
Little Johnny: "No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!"
Cowboy Joke
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."
Dog Joke
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
Princess Joke
Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."
That night the princess had frog legs for dinner.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."
That night the princess had frog legs for dinner.
Asshole Joke
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."
Fireman Joke
A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Doctor Joke
Doctor: "Look, you're going to have to stop masturbating."
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Jesus Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Police Joke
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
He said, "Call for backup."
ID Joke
A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Biology Joke
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.
Howard Dean Joke
Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
Gynecologist Joke
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Light bulb Joke
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
Marriage Joke
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Sex Joke
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Light bulb Joke
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Death Joke
Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her: "Prepare yourself for widowhood ... Your husband is about to die a violent death."
Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: "Will I be acquitted?"
Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: "Will I be acquitted?"
Bomb Joke
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Computer Joke
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.
Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.
He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.
Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.
Pervert Joke
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Joke
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Woman Joke
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Football Joke
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Baby Joke
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Man Joke
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
Sex Joke
Nina and Rosie were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.
Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.
Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."
Nina replied, "I know, I know."
Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.
Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."
Nina replied, "I know, I know."
Baseball Joke
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Woman Joke
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
Idiot Joke
Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Microsoft Joke
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Microsoft Joke
Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
Skydiver Joke
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Sex Joke
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Lying Joke
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Dog Joke
What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.
The dog shuts up when you let it in.
Cowboy Joke
A cowboy from Montana and a cowboy from California are on a sheep drive. They have been out for weeks and have been pulling sheep out of the mud and working really hard. Eventually they come across a sheep with her head stuck in the fence.
They are both very lonely, so the cowboy from Montana says "I'm first!" and he drops his pants and mounts the sheep. When he is finished, he steps back, looks at the California cowboy, and says "You're next".
The California cowboy drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.
They are both very lonely, so the cowboy from Montana says "I'm first!" and he drops his pants and mounts the sheep. When he is finished, he steps back, looks at the California cowboy, and says "You're next".
The California cowboy drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Bible Joke
When was the longest day in the Bible?
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Chuck Norris Joke
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force. The light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris.
Baby Joke
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Sex Joke
A lady in labour is shouting the usual stuff: "Get this out of me!", "Give me the drugs!",... She turns to her boyfriend and says: "You did this to me you bastard!"
He replies casually: "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said 'Fuck Off! It'll be too painful!' Not laughing now are we!?"
He replies casually: "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said 'Fuck Off! It'll be too painful!' Not laughing now are we!?"
Man Joke
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Viola Joke
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.