What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
Biology Joke
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Princess Diana Joke
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls.
Casper can go through walls.
Earth Joke
The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Soldier Joke
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Doctor Joke
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Manager Joke
By three measures a manager is known:
1) The thickness of the carpet in his office.
2) The area of his desk.
3) The volume of his car's engine.
1) The thickness of the carpet in his office.
2) The area of his desk.
3) The volume of his car's engine.
Law Joke
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Woman Joke
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
Joke
Teacher: "Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago?"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Sex Joke
A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood.
"How often a week do you have sex with your wife?" asked the inquirer.
"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.
"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.
"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."
"How often a week do you have sex with your wife?" asked the inquirer.
"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.
"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.
"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."
Bar Joke
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Car Joke
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
Earth Joke
The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Blonde Joke
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Lawyer Joke
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Sperm Joke
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Sex Joke
Two Greeks chat.
Costa: "Did you ever fuck your girlfriend in the other hole?"
Spiros: "You are fuckin mad. I don’t want to make her pregnant!"
Costa: "Did you ever fuck your girlfriend in the other hole?"
Spiros: "You are fuckin mad. I don’t want to make her pregnant!"
Salvation Army Joke
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
President Joke
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
Lawyer Joke
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
Army Joke
At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."
Joke
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Woman Joke
What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Unix Joke
Have you ever noticed that the Klingons are all speaking unix?
"Grep ls awk chmod."
"Mknod ksh tar imap."
"Wall fsck yacc!"
"Grep ls awk chmod."
"Mknod ksh tar imap."
"Wall fsck yacc!"
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.
Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Social worker Joke
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Pen Joke
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
Idiot Joke
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Woman Joke
After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Fairy tale Joke
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
School Joke
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"
Baby Joke
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Soldier Joke
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Joke
What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your mother-in-law?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth and your mother-in-law doesn't know the difference.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth and your mother-in-law doesn't know the difference.
Police Joke
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Lookin for me."
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Lookin for me."
Chuck Norris Joke
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Man Joke
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Curse Joke
A man goes to see a wizard and says: "Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?"
"Maybe" says the wizard, "If you can remember the exact words of the curse."
The man replies without hesitation: "I now pronounce you as man and wife!"
"Maybe" says the wizard, "If you can remember the exact words of the curse."
The man replies without hesitation: "I now pronounce you as man and wife!"
Fly Joke
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Bible Joke
When was the longest day in the Bible?
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
Woman Joke
What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Chinese Joke
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.
Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.
Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
Boss Joke
A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
Woman Joke
After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Man Joke
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
They already have boyfriends.
Sex Joke
A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Birth control Joke
They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
Light bulb Joke
How many ayatollahs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There were no light bulbs in the 12th century.
None. There were no light bulbs in the 12th century.
Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Soldier Joke
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
Police Joke
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
He said, "Call for backup."
Salesman Joke
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Teacher Joke
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Light bulb Joke
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Will this be on the test?
Will this be on the test?
Man Joke
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Tit Joke
A farmer says to his wife: "If you had bigger tit’s, I’d get rid of the cow!"
Wife replies: "If you had a bigger cock, I’d get rid of the tractor driver!"
Wife replies: "If you had a bigger cock, I’d get rid of the tractor driver!"
Beer Joke
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says: "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says: "I want two more of these."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says: "I want two more of these."
Bikini Joke
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
Man Joke
What's common between men and video?
Both go backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... stop and eject.
Both go backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... stop and eject.
Pervert Joke
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Man Joke
If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Doctor Joke
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Lightning Joke
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Salesman Joke
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Money Joke
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Blonde Joke
Why do blonde chicks have cum in their navels?
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Mental, Joke
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Money Joke
Some Somalians open fire on an oil tanker, take hostage the 25 crew and hijack the vessel carrying $100million of oil ...
I 'borrow' some music, TV and films from the internet and they want to sue me for piracy?
This world is messed up.
I 'borrow' some music, TV and films from the internet and they want to sue me for piracy?
This world is messed up.
Blonde Joke
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Man Joke
If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Pastor Joke
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Animal Joke
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Woman Joke
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked: "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Mental, Joke
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
Baby Joke
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Joke
Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Mother Joke
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Irish Joke
The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Light bulb Joke
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Husband Joke
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
Lawyer Joke
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+ 2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
Man Joke
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Batman Joke
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
Pilot Joke
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh ... tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh ... tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Woman Joke
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Dick Joke
3 guys go camping in their new tent.
After a night's sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others "I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!"
The guy sleeping on the right says "Weird! I had the exact same dream!"
The guy sleeping in the middle says "I had a dream that I was skiing ..."
After a night's sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others "I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!"
The guy sleeping on the right says "Weird! I had the exact same dream!"
The guy sleeping in the middle says "I had a dream that I was skiing ..."
Sex Joke
A woman comes into a hardware store.
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
Man Joke
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Joke
One day a man was at a hotel and had a leak in his sink.
So, he calls the front desk and says: "I have a leak."
Then the front desk person says: "Go ahead."
So, he calls the front desk and says: "I have a leak."
Then the front desk person says: "Go ahead."
Lawyer Joke
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
Dog Joke
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Woman Joke
After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Light bulb Joke
How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.
1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.
Bomb Joke
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Handcuff Joke
Police Quote: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
Lying Joke
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Church Joke
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Police Joke
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
He said, "Call for backup."
Man Joke
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Jesus Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Joke
Teacher: "Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?"
Pupil: "Because it can't sit down!"
Pupil: "Because it can't sit down!"
McDonald's Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Chuck Norris Joke
Why did President Harry S. Truman drop the first atomic bomb?
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
Computer Joke
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.
Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.
He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.
Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.
Shopping Joke
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
Woman Joke
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
Man Joke
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Devil Joke
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
Light bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Asshole Joke
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."
Joke
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Windows Joke
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Seagull Joke
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
Chemist Joke
Chemist's last words
1) And now the tasting test ...
2) And now shake it a bit ...
3) In which glass was my mineral water?
4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5) And now the detonating gas problem.
6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7) Now you can take the protection window away ...
8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9) And now a cigarette ...
1) And now the tasting test ...
2) And now shake it a bit ...
3) In which glass was my mineral water?
4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5) And now the detonating gas problem.
6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7) Now you can take the protection window away ...
8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9) And now a cigarette ...
Duck Joke
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Sex Joke
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time."
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time."
Skydiver Joke
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
Sex Joke
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Chinese Joke
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
Sex Joke
Nina and Rosie were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.
Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.
Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."
Nina replied, "I know, I know."
Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.
Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."
Nina replied, "I know, I know."
Sperm Joke
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Gun Joke
How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Reporter Joke
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"
Husband Joke
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said: "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said: "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
One woman said: "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said: "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
Lawyer Joke
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Car Joke
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
Doctor Joke
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."
Dog Joke
What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.
The dog shuts up when you let it in.
Marriage Joke
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Woman Joke
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Joke
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Doctor Joke
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Joke
What's the difference between a pussy cat and a pussy?
One hates water while the other loves to be wet.
One hates water while the other loves to be wet.
Church Joke
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
Doctor Joke
A man went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
Light bulb Joke
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Sex Joke
A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went.
The 1st girl writes: "M&M's."
Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
The 2nd girl writes: "Campbell's soup."
Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads: "Mmm ... mmm ... good."
3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: "Ford."
The mom goes to her ford and reads on a sticker: "The best never stop."
The 1st girl writes: "M&M's."
Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
The 2nd girl writes: "Campbell's soup."
Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads: "Mmm ... mmm ... good."
3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: "Ford."
The mom goes to her ford and reads on a sticker: "The best never stop."
Joke
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Car Joke
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat when she was lying on the beach Green Peace tried to push her back in the water.
Chuck Norris Joke
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Light bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Boss Joke
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"
"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"
Blonde Joke
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."
The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again."
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."
The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again."
Joke
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he is her half brother.
The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off.
She goes to her mom and says: "Mom what have you been doing all your life time? Dad has been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!"
Her mom replies: "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad!"
The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off.
She goes to her mom and says: "Mom what have you been doing all your life time? Dad has been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!"
Her mom replies: "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad!"
Man Joke
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Man Joke
If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.
Is he still wrong?
Is he still wrong?
Joke
My mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her, but he didn't know if he had enough gas.
Husband Joke
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
Light bulb Joke
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
Baby Joke
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Man Joke
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Bill Clinton Joke
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
Doctor Joke
An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
Woman Joke
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Computer Joke
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Soprano Joke
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
Woman Joke
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Joke
Teacher: "What is further away, Australia or the Moon?"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Little Johnny: "Australia, you can see the Moon at night!"
Baby Joke
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
Man Joke
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Woman Joke
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Viola Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Light bulb Joke
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Mafia Joke
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
Pen Joke
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
Dog Joke
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read without the word dog.
Now read without the word dog.
Man Joke
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Boss Joke
A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
Fairy tale Joke
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
Ugly, Joke
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"
He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"
He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
Reporter Joke
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"
Sperm Joke
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Joke
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt â€" though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: ‘That’s incredible both our cars are demolished but we’re fine.
It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!’
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, ‘Oh yes, I agree with you completely!’
The woman goes on, ‘And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let’s drink to our love!’
‘Well, OK!’ says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
‘Your turn,’ says the man.
‘No, thanks,’ says the woman, ‘I think I’ll just wait for the police.’
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: ‘That’s incredible both our cars are demolished but we’re fine.
It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!’
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, ‘Oh yes, I agree with you completely!’
The woman goes on, ‘And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let’s drink to our love!’
‘Well, OK!’ says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
‘Your turn,’ says the man.
‘No, thanks,’ says the woman, ‘I think I’ll just wait for the police.’
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Lawyer Joke
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Rat Joke
What did one lab rat say to the other?
I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.
I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.
Sex Joke
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Sex Joke
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?
Joke
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Piccolo Joke
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Lawyer Joke
A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
Joke
My friend thinks he's smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
Dick Joke
There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, Dick, and Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pea jumps around outside.
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
Joke
100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
Winston Churchill Joke
A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
Trainee Joke
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"Â
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No"Â replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot"Â
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"Â
"No!"Â replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!"Â replied the trainee and kept the phone down
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"Â
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No"Â replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot"Â
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"Â
"No!"Â replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!"Â replied the trainee and kept the phone down
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Light bulb Joke
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed â€" it has to be smashed.
1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed â€" it has to be smashed.
Joke
Q: Did you hear about the new Drink at the bar?
A: It's called the Osama bin Laden, 2 shots and a splash.
A: It's called the Osama bin Laden, 2 shots and a splash.
Police Joke
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Police are looking into it.
Light bulb Joke
How many bisexuals does it take to change a light bulb?
1) However many turns you on ;)
2) That depends ... is it AC or DC?
3) Three or more ... it's more fun to fumble in the dark that way instead of being alone.
1) However many turns you on ;)
2) That depends ... is it AC or DC?
3) Three or more ... it's more fun to fumble in the dark that way instead of being alone.
George Michael Joke
What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
George Michael's latest release.
George Michael's latest release.
Handcuff Joke
Police Quote: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
Teacher Joke
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Irish Joke
The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Marriage Joke
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Wedding Joke
Dodi and Diana wanted a wedding made in heaven ...
Versace was sent up first to get the wedding gown and decorative preparations done for the occasion.
Then D & D went on together.
Mother Teresa went next to bless the couple.
An invitation was sent to Elton John to sing at the service but somehow it was misdirected and went to John Denver instead.
Versace was sent up first to get the wedding gown and decorative preparations done for the occasion.
Then D & D went on together.
Mother Teresa went next to bless the couple.
An invitation was sent to Elton John to sing at the service but somehow it was misdirected and went to John Denver instead.
Biology Joke
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Joke
My mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her, but he didn't know if he had enough gas.
Princess Diana Joke
Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Diana:
1) Roxette - "Crash! Boom! Bang!"
2) Michael Jackson - "Blood on the dashboard!"
1) Roxette - "Crash! Boom! Bang!"
2) Michael Jackson - "Blood on the dashboard!"
Lawyer Joke
A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
Baseball Joke
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.
Violin Joke
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
It's usually still in the case.
Sex Joke
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time!
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time!
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Sex Joke
Husband and Wife on 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: "What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago?"
He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".
She says: "What are you thinking now?"
"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"
He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".
She says: "What are you thinking now?"
"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"
Joke
Yo momma is so stupid, she puts lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Sex Joke
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
Child Joke
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.