First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Sex Joke
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Florida Joke
Why are all the unemployed in Palm Beach County, Florida sitting on the dock?
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
Navy Joke
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Michael Jackson Joke
What does Michael Jackson have in common with the NASA?
It's been 25 years since his first moonwalk.
It's been 25 years since his first moonwalk.
Alphabet Joke
Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.
Susie: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".
Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Susie: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".
Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Man Joke
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Windows Joke
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Light bulb Joke
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Computer Joke
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Sperm Joke
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Light bulb Joke
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Lawyer Joke
A young lawyer who had taken over his father's practice rushed home totally elated.
"Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally settled that old Whitmore suit."
"Settled it!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!"
"Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally settled that old Whitmore suit."
"Settled it!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!"
Sex Joke
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time!
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time!
Christopher Reeve Joke
What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and O. J. Simpson?
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair ... and OJ walked!
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair ... and OJ walked!
Biology Joke
How do you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology?
A Buy-ologist.
A Buy-ologist.
Fairy tale Joke
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
Man Joke
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Pink Floyd Joke
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Joke
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down!
Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down!
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Pen Joke
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
Fireman Joke
A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
God Joke
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Woman Joke
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
Sex Joke
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Man Joke
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Sex Joke
How does natural selection differ from sexual selection?
In distinction to natural selection, sexual selection may be natural, unnatural, or perverted.
In distinction to natural selection, sexual selection may be natural, unnatural, or perverted.
Baby Joke
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Microsoft Joke
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.
Football Joke
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Computer Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Man Joke
Why do men want their brides to wear white?
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!
School Joke
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
Car Joke
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
Light bulb Joke
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
Bible Joke
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
Joke
My mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her, but he didn't know if he had enough gas.
Lightning Joke
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Golf Joke
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
Windows Joke
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Windows Joke
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Devil Joke
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
Bar Joke
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Sex Joke
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well ..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave them all a phony name."
"Well ..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave them all a phony name."
Committee Joke
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Credit card Joke
A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Child Joke
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Man Joke
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
Deodorant Joke
Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
Joke
What's the difference between a pussy cat and a pussy?
One hates water while the other loves to be wet.
One hates water while the other loves to be wet.
Light bulb Joke
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Will this be on the test?
Will this be on the test?
Princess Diana Joke
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls.
Casper can go through walls.
Sex Joke
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Joke
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because the ones that can run, jump, or swim are already in the U. S.
Joke
Son: "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmm. You are my son, Iam confident of that. Your friend Timmy is also my son, that's confidential!"
Dad: "Hmm. You are my son, Iam confident of that. Your friend Timmy is also my son, that's confidential!"
Economist Joke
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
Woman Joke
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Elephant Joke
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
Big holes all over Australia!
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Birth control Joke
They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
Joke
A Scottish captain once lent the referee a coin for the toss and demanded his whistle as security.
Chicken Joke
Psychiatrist: "What's your problem?"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Bikini Joke
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
Joke
Teacher: "Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago?"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Joke
Teacher: "Did you parents help you with these homework problems?"
Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"
Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"
Fishing Joke
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Man Joke
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Sperm Joke
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Lawyer Joke
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Chuck Norris Joke
Whats the difference between a dead baby and apple pie?
Chuck Norris doesn't eat the apple pie after he has sex with it.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat the apple pie after he has sex with it.
Fly Joke
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Golf Joke
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Joke
What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Man Joke
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Man Joke
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Wife Joke
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
Parrot Joke
There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.
The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.
Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.
Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.
"Alright I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... what have you done with the ship?"
The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.
Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.
Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.
"Alright I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... what have you done with the ship?"
Duck Joke
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
Worm Joke
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!
Marriage Joke
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
Man Joke
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Dick Joke
3 guys go camping in their new tent.
After a night's sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others "I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!"
The guy sleeping on the right says "Weird! I had the exact same dream!"
The guy sleeping in the middle says "I had a dream that I was skiing ..."
After a night's sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others "I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!"
The guy sleeping on the right says "Weird! I had the exact same dream!"
The guy sleeping in the middle says "I had a dream that I was skiing ..."
Handcuff Joke
Police Quote: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
Light bulb Joke
How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.
Joke
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down!
Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down!
Sex Joke
The husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have arrived. Think I will wear gold tonight."
The wife says: "Why don't you wear silver and cum fuckin second for a change?"
The wife says: "Why don't you wear silver and cum fuckin second for a change?"
Florida Joke
How many Justices are there on the Florida Supreme Court?
No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!
No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!
Dog Joke
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
Joke
"Mommy, Mommy! I don't want any more hamburger!"
"Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder."
"Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder."
Woman Joke
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
Sex Joke
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man!"
The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man!"
Fly Joke
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Condom Joke
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Light bulb Joke
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
Joke
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Fairy tale Joke
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
Joke
Dinner Lady: "Eat up your greens, they are good for your skin."
Pupil: "But I don't want green skin!"
Pupil: "But I don't want green skin!"
Church Joke
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Sex Joke
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Joke
Little Johnny's family is sitting at the dinner table.
Father: "Can you please pray for dinner!"
Little Johnny: "Dear God. Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad’s computer. Amen!"
Father: "Can you please pray for dinner!"
Little Johnny: "Dear God. Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad’s computer. Amen!"
Joke
Teacher: "Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago?"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Economist Joke
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Batman Joke
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
Bomb Joke
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Urine Joke
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Joke
"Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!"
"Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!"
"Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!"
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Lawyer Joke
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Light bulb Joke
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
Joke
What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Coffin Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
Man Joke
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Sex Joke
Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
She wants to be the first lady.
She wants to be the first lady.
Marriage Joke
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Pervert Joke
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Dog Joke
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in?
That's how dogs spend their lives.
That's how dogs spend their lives.
Marriage Joke
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Woman Joke
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?
Theres no place like home ...
Theres no place like home ...
Computer Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Handcuff Joke
Police Quote: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
Salesman Joke
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Love Joke
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Sex Joke
Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.
Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.
After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.
After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Light bulb Joke
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
2) "Define 'light bulb' ..."
3) "How can you be sure it needs changing?"
4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
1) "Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
2) "Define 'light bulb' ..."
3) "How can you be sure it needs changing?"
4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
Light bulb Joke
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
2) "Define 'light bulb' ..."
3) "How can you be sure it needs changing?"
4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
1) "Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
2) "Define 'light bulb' ..."
3) "How can you be sure it needs changing?"
4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
Lightning Joke
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
McDonald's Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Virtual, Joke
If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!
Computer Joke
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Lawyer Joke
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
Sex Joke
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Time Joke
A social worker asks a colleague: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."
Teacher Joke
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
Fire Joke
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Joke
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Sex Joke
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Fishing Joke
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
Mechanic Joke
A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."
When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.
"Hello," the mechanic answers.
"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.
The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."
"Oh, is that a record?" she says.
"No," he says, "but it's better than average."
When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.
"Hello," the mechanic answers.
"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.
The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."
"Oh, is that a record?" she says.
"No," he says, "but it's better than average."
Bill Clinton Joke
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
Chuck Norris Joke
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Man Joke
If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Coffin Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
Light bulb Joke
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed â€" it has to be smashed.
1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed â€" it has to be smashed.
Biology Joke
How do you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology?
A Buy-ologist.
A Buy-ologist.
Fishing Joke
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
Sex Joke
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Deodorant Joke
Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
Santa Claus Joke
A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
Skydiver Joke
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
Sex Joke
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Man Joke
Why do men want their brides to wear white?
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!
Law Joke
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
Gay Joke
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He went down to two butts a day.
He went down to two butts a day.
Man Joke
If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Salesman Joke
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Light bulb Joke
How many IT guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a Facilities problem.
None, that's a Facilities problem.
Fear Joke
Franklin D. Roosevelt once said "There is nothing to fear but fear itself ... and Chuck Norris"
Microsoft Joke
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
George Michael Joke
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Police Joke
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Police are looking into it.
Marriage Joke
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Conductor Joke
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Handcuff Joke
Police Quote: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
Soprano Joke
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
Bra Joke
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:
A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake
A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake
Police Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Devil Joke
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Lawyer Joke
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Idiot Joke
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Husband Joke
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
Police Joke
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Police are looking into it.
Light bulb Joke
How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.
1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.
Doctor Joke
Doctor: "Look, you're going to have to stop masturbating."
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Joke
Teacher: "I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you've only done it 7 times?"
Little Johnny: "Looks like my counting isn't too good either!"
Little Johnny: "Looks like my counting isn't too good either!"
Computer Joke
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.
Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.
He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.
Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.
Sex Joke
The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed, the somewhat amazed but blissfully happy newlywed wife snuggles up to her new hubby and says, "Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing. May I ask how many others were there before me?"
After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, "Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."
And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."
After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, "Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."
And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."
Golf Joke
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Mental, Joke
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
Police Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Gay Joke
There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree. The tree said: "I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting!"
So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females." And all the bears in the forest turned into females.
The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny.
The bear wishes: "I wish all the bears in the country are females." The wish was granted.
The rabbit says, "I wish I have a motorcycle." By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he's ever seen. The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.
The bear says: "I wish all the bears in the world are female." The wish is granted.
When it's the rabbit's turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, and says: "I wish that bear is gay."
So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females." And all the bears in the forest turned into females.
The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny.
The bear wishes: "I wish all the bears in the country are females." The wish was granted.
The rabbit says, "I wish I have a motorcycle." By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he's ever seen. The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.
The bear says: "I wish all the bears in the world are female." The wish is granted.
When it's the rabbit's turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, and says: "I wish that bear is gay."
Microsoft Joke
Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
Man Joke
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Woman Joke
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
Lawyer Joke
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
Biology Joke
How do you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology?
A Buy-ologist.
A Buy-ologist.
Sex Joke
A woman comes into a hardware store.
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
Woman Joke
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Devil Joke
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
Sex Joke
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Headache Joke
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
Heaven Joke
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Joke
Jenny's friend Debbie was at work complaining about a sore throat and laryngitis.
"When I have that I always give a blow job to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."
Next day Debbie comes in singing.
"How did it go?" enquires Jenny.
"Brilliant" says Debbie, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
"When I have that I always give a blow job to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."
Next day Debbie comes in singing.
"How did it go?" enquires Jenny.
"Brilliant" says Debbie, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
Wife Joke
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Drug Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Exercise Joke
THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM. Everyone here gets enough exercise:
1) Jumping to conclusions.
2) Flying off the handle.
3) Carrying things too far.
4) Dodging responsibilities and
5) Pushing their luck.
1) Jumping to conclusions.
2) Flying off the handle.
3) Carrying things too far.
4) Dodging responsibilities and
5) Pushing their luck.
Wife Joke
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Gynecologist Joke
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Dog Joke
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Dick Joke
3 guys go camping in their new tent.
After a night's sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others "I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!"
The guy sleeping on the right says "Weird! I had the exact same dream!"
The guy sleeping in the middle says "I had a dream that I was skiing ..."
After a night's sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others "I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!"
The guy sleeping on the right says "Weird! I had the exact same dream!"
The guy sleeping in the middle says "I had a dream that I was skiing ..."
Man Joke
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.