What's the Blonde's cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N. ... ah, oh well ... I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea ..."
Sex Joke
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
Joke
Jake was dying. His wife Becky was by his bedside.
"Becky", he said in a tired voice, "there's something I must confess."
"Shhh, there's nothing to confess, everything's alright" replied Becky.
"No, I must die in peace ... I shagged your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother"
"I know" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you, you fucking bastard!"
"Becky", he said in a tired voice, "there's something I must confess."
"Shhh, there's nothing to confess, everything's alright" replied Becky.
"No, I must die in peace ... I shagged your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother"
"I know" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you, you fucking bastard!"
Deodorant Joke
Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Man Joke
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Marriage Joke
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Light bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Chicken Joke
Psychiatrist: "What's your problem?"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Woman Joke
What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Wedding Joke
Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat, when she jumped in the ocean the Whales started singing "We are family ..."
Chinese Joke
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
Little Johnny Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
UFO Joke
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFO's.
There have been sightings of UFO's.
Manager Joke
Meeting rules for managers:
1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
Police Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Chinese Joke
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Kangaroo Joke
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Blonde Joke
What do blondes and turtles have in common?
When they are on their backs they are screwed.
When they are on their backs they are screwed.
Soldier Joke
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Little Johnny Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Dick Joke
There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, Dick, and Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pea jumps around outside.
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
The teacher returns and yells: "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
Blonde Joke
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
Elephant Joke
The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
Gynecologist Joke
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
People Joke
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Hymn Joke
Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
Dog Joke
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in?
That's how dogs spend their lives.
That's how dogs spend their lives.
Reporter Joke
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"
Michael Jackson Joke
What does Michael Jackson have in common with the NASA?
It's been 25 years since his first moonwalk.
It's been 25 years since his first moonwalk.
Florida Joke
How many Justices are there on the Florida Supreme Court?
No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!
No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!
Chinese Joke
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
Handcuff Joke
Police Quote: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
Virtual Joke
If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!
Little Johnny Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Committee Joke
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Little Johnny Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Elephant Joke
The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
Kangaroo Joke
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Howard Dean Joke
Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
Gynecologist Joke
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Blonde Joke
If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.
Joke
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Heaven!
Heaven who?
Heaven you heard enough of these silly knock-knock jokes?
Who's there?
Heaven!
Heaven who?
Heaven you heard enough of these silly knock-knock jokes?
Joke
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Blonde Joke
Why do blonde chicks have cum in their navels?
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
Gynecologist Joke
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Blonde Joke
What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Church Joke
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Parrot Joke
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
Woman Joke
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115" she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115" she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
Bible Joke
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Computer Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Joke
Pupil (on phone): "My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today."
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
Air force Joke
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Devil Joke
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
Sex Joke
Nina and Rosie were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.
Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.
Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."
Nina replied, "I know, I know."
Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.
Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."
Nina replied, "I know, I know."
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Computer Joke
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Little Johnny Joke
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Dog Joke
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in?
That's how dogs spend their lives.
That's how dogs spend their lives.
Death Joke
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Marriage Joke
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Viola Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
McDonald's Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
Joke
"Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said."
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
Husband Joke
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
Fire Joke
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Man Joke
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Joke
Teacher: "Did you parents help you with these homework problems?"
Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"
Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"
Conductor Joke
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Woman Joke
What's a perfect breakfast for a woman?
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Woman Joke
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Diaper Joke
Politicians are like diapers.
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
Parrot Joke
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
Fear Joke
Franklin D. Roosevelt once said "There is nothing to fear but fear itself ... and Chuck Norris"
Cop Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
ID Joke
A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
Sex Joke
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
Woman Joke
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?
Theres no place like home ...
Theres no place like home ...
Woman Joke
What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Skydiver Joke
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
Breakfast Joke
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
Bra Joke
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra.
That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.
Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.
That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.
Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.
Idiot Joke
Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Sex Joke
A woman comes into a hardware store.
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
Child Joke
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Actor Joke
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
Man Joke
If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Microsoft Joke
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.
Dog Joke
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
Wife Joke
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
Physicist Joke
How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Lawyer Joke
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Lawyer Joke
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Blonde Joke
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then closed and went back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box. She opened and shut it again. Angrily, she went back to the house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her: "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied: "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: 'You've got mail!'"
A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box. She opened and shut it again. Angrily, she went back to the house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her: "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied: "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: 'You've got mail!'"
Marriage Joke
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Howard Dean Joke
Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
Wife Joke
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Boss Joke
Boss: "Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of downsizing. Knock! Knock!"
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore!"
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore!"
Gynecologist Joke
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
German Joke
A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first floor and a German on second, got on fire. Who survived?
The German. He was out practicing marching.
The German. He was out practicing marching.
Sex Joke
A girlfriend asked: "If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer"?
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Boyfriend says: "Eating between meals!"
Blonde Joke
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There's whiteout on the screen.
There's whiteout on the screen.
Fire Joke
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Windows Joke
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Blonde Joke
What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Doctor Joke
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."
Duck Joke
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat, when she jumped in the ocean the Whales started singing "We are family ..."
Boss Joke
A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
Blonde Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Blonde Joke
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Light bulb Joke
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Conductor Joke
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Pink Floyd Joke
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Computer Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Marriage Joke
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Chuck Norris Joke
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Marriage Joke
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Golf Joke
A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, "I need a caddy who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"
"10" said the caddy.
"Great, you'll do perfectly!"
"10" said the caddy.
"Great, you'll do perfectly!"
Joke
"Mommy, Mommy! I don't want any more hamburger!"
"Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder."
"Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder."
Joke
Golf balls are like eggs.
They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.
They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.
Teacher Joke
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Flu Joke
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Committee Joke
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Germany Joke
What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?
Only the first one can make you smile.
Only the first one can make you smile.
Sperm Joke
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Man Joke
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Microsoft Joke
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Law Joke
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
Infinity Joke
If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!
General Joke
A general calls a colonel: "Do you have a couple of smart majors?"
"Yes Sir, I do."
"Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around."
"Yes Sir, I do."
"Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around."
Baby Joke
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
Soprano Joke
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
Woman Joke
What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Computer Joke
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Joke
"Hello. Your Mother-In-Law fell into my pool filled with crocodiles."
"The crocodiles are yours, so you save them."
"The crocodiles are yours, so you save them."
Blonde Joke
What does a blonde do with her asshole in the morning?
Pack his lunch and send him to work.
Pack his lunch and send him to work.
Woman Joke
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
Sex Joke
The husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have arrived. Think I will wear gold tonight."
The wife says: "Why don't you wear silver and cum fuckin second for a change?"
The wife says: "Why don't you wear silver and cum fuckin second for a change?"
Blonde Joke
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Idiot Joke
Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Pen Joke
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
CEO Joke
A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
Sex Joke
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Man Joke
If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.
Is he still wrong?
Is he still wrong?
Man Joke
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Woman Joke
What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Cop Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Woman Joke
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Job Joke
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
After five years your job will still suck.
Skydiver Joke
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
Light bulb Joke
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Chuck Norris Joke
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force. The light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris.
ID Joke
A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
Sex Joke
Little Patrik asked for a bike for his Birthday. His dad said: "We'd get you one but your mortgage is $80,000 and your mum has lost her job."
Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?"
Patrick replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was comintoo, I'm not staying here on me own with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"
Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?"
Patrick replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was comintoo, I'm not staying here on me own with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"
Blonde Joke
What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Joke
Teacher: "You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you?"
Little Johnny: "How did you know?"
Teacher: "Fred's paper says 'I don't know' and you have added 'Me, neither'!"
Little Johnny: "How did you know?"
Teacher: "Fred's paper says 'I don't know' and you have added 'Me, neither'!"
Blonde Joke
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Salvation Army Joke
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Suicide Joke
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Viola Joke
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Baby Joke
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Sex Joke
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time!
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time!
Joke
The secretary saw her boss pant's zip open.
She tells him: "Sir your garage door is open."
Boss: "Did you see my Ferrari?"
Secretary: "I saw a small scooter with two punctured wheels."
She tells him: "Sir your garage door is open."
Boss: "Did you see my Ferrari?"
Secretary: "I saw a small scooter with two punctured wheels."
Man Joke
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Policeman Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Muscle Joke
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head.
Blonde Joke
Why do blonde chicks have cum in their navels?
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!
Joke
How can you tell if you cut a really potent fart while in the grocery store?
The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.
The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Woman Joke
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
Man Joke
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Both of them.
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Joke
Pupil (on phone): "My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today."
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
Light bulb Joke
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Committee Joke
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Blonde Joke
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Man Joke
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
School Joke
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"
Man Joke
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Fishing Joke
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Doctor Joke
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
Man Joke
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Credit card Joke
A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
FBI Joke
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Diaper Joke
Politicians are like diapers.
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
Joke
Yo momma is so ugly I took her to the zoo and the guy at the gate said: "Thanks for bringing her back!"
Joke
Teacher: "Did you parents help you with these homework problems?"
Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"
Little Johnny: "No I got them all wrong by myself!"
Joke
Teacher: "You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you?"
Little Johnny: "How did you know?"
Teacher: "Fred's paper says 'I don't know' and you have added 'Me, neither'!"
Little Johnny: "How did you know?"
Teacher: "Fred's paper says 'I don't know' and you have added 'Me, neither'!"
Blonde Joke
A ventriloquist comes onto the stage with his dummy and starts his act. One bit requires his dummy to tell Dumb-Blonde Jokes. After a few jokes, an angry blonde woman finally stands up and starts speaking her mind.
"I have had it with the stereotyping of all blondes being stupid!" the woman yells, and she continues ranting on about this.
Finally, the ventriloquist says, "Sorry ma'am ..."
The woman cuts him off by saying, "You stay out of this. I'm talkin' to the dummy."
"I have had it with the stereotyping of all blondes being stupid!" the woman yells, and she continues ranting on about this.
Finally, the ventriloquist says, "Sorry ma'am ..."
The woman cuts him off by saying, "You stay out of this. I'm talkin' to the dummy."
Soprano Joke
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
Bike Joke
Two engineering students meet on campus one day.
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Fairy tale Joke
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
Man Joke
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Money Joke
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Man Joke
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Dog Joke
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Sex Joke
Little Johny asked her mummy: "Mum are little birds made of metal?"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Woman Joke
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
Religion Joke
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
Blonde Joke
Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.
The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
Sex Joke
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?
Blonde Joke
What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Cop Joke
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Gun Joke
How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Joke
"Mommy, Mommy, Why am I running around in circles?"
"Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
"Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
Little Johnny Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Car Joke
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
Light bulb Joke
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
One-two, one-two, one-two.
Elephant Joke
The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
Man Joke
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Wife Joke
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Math Joke
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Joke
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Light bulb Joke
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Woman Joke
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Sex Joke
How do you teach a blonde maths?
Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
God Joke
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
Sex Joke
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Duck Joke
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
Man Joke
Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
Computer Joke
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.
Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.
He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.
Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.
Bar Joke
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Doctor Joke
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"
Chuck Norris Joke
Whats the difference between a dead baby and apple pie?
Chuck Norris doesn't eat the apple pie after he has sex with it.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat the apple pie after he has sex with it.
Microsoft Joke
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.
Chinese Joke
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
Princess Diana Joke
What do Lady Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
Dog Joke
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in?
That's how dogs spend their lives.
That's how dogs spend their lives.
Penis Joke
A man says to his wife: "Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
His wife replies: "You have a bigger willy than your brother!"
His wife replies: "You have a bigger willy than your brother!"
Pink Floyd Joke
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Sex Joke
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.