Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Lawyer Joke
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Sperm Joke
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
They won't stop to ask directions.
Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
Police Joke
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
God Joke
A man got 2 wishes from god. He asked for the best wine and best woman.
Next moment, he had the best wine and Mother Theresa next to him.
Moral: Be Specific.
Next moment, he had the best wine and Mother Theresa next to him.
Moral: Be Specific.
Whale Joke
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Sex Joke
Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Sex Joke
One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal. "How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?" "Well," replied the black man, "when having sex, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it."
After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"
"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"
After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"
"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"
Baby Joke
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
Money Joke
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
Erection Joke
A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
Teacher Joke
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
Little Johnny Joke
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Little Johnny Joke
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
Wife Joke
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
Dog Joke
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read without the word dog.
Now read without the word dog.
Sex Joke
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Businessman Joke
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.
The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
Bikini Joke
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
Sex Joke
One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal. "How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?" "Well," replied the black man, "when having sex, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it."
After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"
"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"
After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"
"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Lawyer Joke
The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
Wife Joke
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Salvation Army Joke
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Doctor Joke
An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
Doctor Joke
A man went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
Hymn Joke
Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
Ball Joke
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
A man's undivided attention.
Beer Joke
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Phone Joke
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
God Joke
A man got 2 wishes from god. He asked for the best wine and best woman.
Next moment, he had the best wine and Mother Theresa next to him.
Moral: Be Specific.
Next moment, he had the best wine and Mother Theresa next to him.
Moral: Be Specific.
Blonde Joke
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
Lawyer Joke
The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
Penis Joke
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
Doctor Joke
A man went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
Fishing Joke
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Light bulb Joke
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
2) "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
3) "We haven't got a policy on that".
4) "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.
1) "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
2) "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
3) "We haven't got a policy on that".
4) "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.
Religion Joke
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
Sex Joke
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
Little Johnny Joke
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."
Condom Joke
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
Hymn Joke
Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
Lawyer Joke
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
Dog Joke
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in?
That's how dogs spend their lives.
That's how dogs spend their lives.
Money Joke
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
Money Joke
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Man Joke
Three men are trapped on an island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they will each get a wish.
The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island.
The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island.
The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge.
The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island.
The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island.
The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge.
Lying Joke
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Car Joke
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
Marriage Joke
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Dog Joke
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Husband Joke
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Dog Joke
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
Doctor Joke
An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.
Wife Joke
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
Earth Joke
The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Woman Joke
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"
"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"
"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"
"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
Little Johnny Joke
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Redneck Joke
The National Poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktuâ€
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:
“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.â€
The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.
The redneck, with sweat rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:
“A friend and I a hunting went,
We spied three maidens in a tent,
They being three, we being two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.â€
The redneck went to the finals.
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:
“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.â€
The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.
The redneck, with sweat rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:
“A friend and I a hunting went,
We spied three maidens in a tent,
They being three, we being two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.â€
The redneck went to the finals.
Police Joke
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 feet 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
Man Joke
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.
Baby Joke
There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.
Teacher Joke
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
Doctor Joke
Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
Dollar Joke
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Little Johnny Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Doctor Joke
Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
Santa Claus Joke
A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
Lawyer Joke
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
Dog Joke
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
Doctor Joke
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"
Sex Joke
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
Man Joke
Three men are trapped on an island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they will each get a wish.
The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island.
The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island.
The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge.
The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island.
The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island.
The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge.
Earth Joke
The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Sex Joke
A teacher asks her class: “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?â€
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, â€None, they all fly away with the first gun shotâ€
The teacher replies: “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.â€
Then Little Johnny says: “I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?â€
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.â€
To which Little Johnny replied: “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.â€
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, â€None, they all fly away with the first gun shotâ€
The teacher replies: “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.â€
Then Little Johnny says: “I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?â€
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.â€
To which Little Johnny replied: “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.â€
Vacation Joke
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
Land mine Joke
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
Judge Joke
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Lawyer Joke
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
1. Take your foot off his head.
2. Shoot him before he hits the water.
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Chuck Norris Joke
Whats the difference between a dead baby and apple pie?
Chuck Norris doesn't eat the apple pie after he has sex with it.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat the apple pie after he has sex with it.
Sex Joke
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
Dog Joke
One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she brought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
Lawyer Joke
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
Woman Joke
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
Man Joke
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
Money Joke
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
Doctor Joke
A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Marriage Joke
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
Lottery Joke
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
Sex Joke
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Money Joke
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Manager Joke
Meeting rules for managers:
1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
New York Yankees Joke
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
Woman Joke
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
God Joke
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
Bar Joke
Patty loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immedeatly falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.
The next morning, Patty's wife says, "Patty, you son of a bitch! You were at the bar last night drinking again!"
Patty was confused. "How did you find out?"
"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."
The next morning, Patty's wife says, "Patty, you son of a bitch! You were at the bar last night drinking again!"
Patty was confused. "How did you find out?"
"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."
Blonde Joke
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Manager Joke
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.
2) None, they like to keep employees in the dark.
3) "This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ..."
4) "We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."
1) A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.
2) None, they like to keep employees in the dark.
3) "This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ..."
4) "We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."
Dog Joke
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
CEO Joke
A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
Plane Joke
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."
Lawyer Joke
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Lottery Joke
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
Fishing Joke
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Politician Joke
Politicians are like diapers.
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
They should be changed frequently ... and for the same reason
Mule Joke
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
Sex Joke
A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!
Sex Joke
3 People get stranded on a desert Island - Charles, Matt and Susan. After a while they realise that they are stuck on this island and naturally things happen between the men and the woman.
This goes on for about a year when Susan feeling really bad about having sex with both Matt and Charles and kills herself.
Charles and Matt are sad. But again after a while nature takes its course.
And again about a year later the boys feel really really bad about what they're doing so finally they decide to bury Susan.
This goes on for about a year when Susan feeling really bad about having sex with both Matt and Charles and kills herself.
Charles and Matt are sad. But again after a while nature takes its course.
And again about a year later the boys feel really really bad about what they're doing so finally they decide to bury Susan.
Doctor Joke
A man went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
Little Johnny Joke
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Ugly Joke
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"
He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"
He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
Woman Joke
What's a perfect breakfast for a woman?
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Blonde Joke
A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic.
All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom “I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.â€
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is third bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.â€
All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom “I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.â€
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is third bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.â€
Sex Joke
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Sex Joke
A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went.
The 1st girl writes: "M&M's."
Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
The 2nd girl writes: "Campbell's soup."
Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads: "Mmm ... mmm ... good."
3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: "Ford."
The mom goes to her ford and reads on a sticker: "The best never stop."
The 1st girl writes: "M&M's."
Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
The 2nd girl writes: "Campbell's soup."
Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads: "Mmm ... mmm ... good."
3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: "Ford."
The mom goes to her ford and reads on a sticker: "The best never stop."
God Joke
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Committee Joke
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Sex Joke
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time."
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time."
Asshole Joke
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."
Marriage Joke
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
Little Johnny Joke
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Windows Joke
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
Light bulb Joke
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Ugly Joke
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"
He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"
He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
Credit card Joke
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
Police Joke
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Money Joke
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes ..."
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes ..."
Money Joke
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Earth Joke
The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Sex Joke
Father and son in supermarket.
"Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
"Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
Little Johnny Joke
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
Mother Joke
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Sex Joke
One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal. "How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?" "Well," replied the black man, "when having sex, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it."
After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"
"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"
After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"
"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"
Doctor Joke
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Lemon Joke
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."
School Joke
Little Susie comes home from school and tells her mum that the boys were asking her to do cartwheels and said she was very good.
Mum said: "Don't do them. The boys only want to see your knickers!"
Susie said: "I know which is why i put them in my bag!"
Mum said: "Don't do them. The boys only want to see your knickers!"
Susie said: "I know which is why i put them in my bag!"
Committee Joke
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Dog Joke
One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
Lying Joke
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Woman Joke
What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.
Wife Joke
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Woman Joke
What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Husband Joke
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Light bulb Joke
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
Condom Joke
A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, "What size?"
The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."
"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"
"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.
The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"
The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"
The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."
"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"
"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.
The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"
The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"
Preacher Joke
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
Wife Joke
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
Sex Joke
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.
No fee, Chen Lee.
Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.
No fee, Chen Lee.
Woman Joke
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Man Joke
Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.
After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!
After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!
Dog Joke
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Businessman Joke
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.
The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
Dog Joke
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Wife Joke
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
Cowboy Joke
A cowboy was riding accross the plain when he heard shouting from a nearby house. So he went over to investigate and after searching the house, found a young maiden lying naked in bed, with her four limbs tied to the bed corners.
"Oh thank god" she cried: "you have got to help me, two men came by and killed my husband then took it in turn to ravish me before stealing all our money, help me please!"
The cowboy thought for a second, then as he unzipped his fly and took down his trousers he said: "Maam, this just aint your lucky day!"
"Oh thank god" she cried: "you have got to help me, two men came by and killed my husband then took it in turn to ravish me before stealing all our money, help me please!"
The cowboy thought for a second, then as he unzipped his fly and took down his trousers he said: "Maam, this just aint your lucky day!"
Art Joke
A couple is going to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
Bikini Joke
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
Police Joke
Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...
So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!
This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...
So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!
This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...
Sex Joke
The husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have arrived. Think I will wear gold tonight."
The wife says: "Why don't you wear silver and cum fuckin second for a change?"
The wife says: "Why don't you wear silver and cum fuckin second for a change?"
Lawyer Joke
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral.
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."
Sex Joke
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
Little Johnny Joke
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."
Man Joke
I asked my wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her: "How about the kitchen?"
She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her: "How about the kitchen?"
Dog Joke
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Marriage Joke
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Sex Joke
A boy in bath with his mum asks: "What's that hairy thing?
Mum says:"That's my sponge.
The says: "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."
Mum says:"That's my sponge.
The says: "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."
Baby Joke
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off â€" go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off â€" go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Money Joke
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes ..."
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes ..."
Earth Joke
The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Lawyer Joke
After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.
The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.
Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.
Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
Police Joke
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Dog Joke
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read without the word dog.
Now read without the word dog.
Wife Joke
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take
that chance."
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take
that chance."
Sex Joke
A lady in labour is shouting the usual stuff: "Get this out of me!", "Give me the drugs!",... She turns to her boyfriend and says: "You did this to me you bastard!"
He replies casually: "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said 'Fuck Off! It'll be too painful!' Not laughing now are we!?"
He replies casually: "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said 'Fuck Off! It'll be too painful!' Not laughing now are we!?"
Marriage Joke
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Dog Joke
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read without the word dog.
Now read without the word dog.
Church Joke
A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
Light bulb Joke
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
Dog Joke
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Baby Joke
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
Wife Joke
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Preacher Joke
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
Lawyer Joke
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Tattoo Joke
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Yo momma Joke
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Baby Joke
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
Soldier Joke
A soldier ran up to a Nun. Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt I'll explain later."
The nun accepted his request.
A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked: "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied: "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. I hope you will understand, "I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said: "I understand completely".
The soldier added: "I hope I am not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of ballsI don't want to go to Iraq either."
The nun accepted his request.
A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked: "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied: "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. I hope you will understand, "I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said: "I understand completely".
The soldier added: "I hope I am not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of ballsI don't want to go to Iraq either."
Light bulb Joke
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Will this be on the test?
Will this be on the test?
Sex Joke
Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
Man Joke
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
Car Joke
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
Lawyer Joke
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral.
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."
Lawyer Joke
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
Sex Joke
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
Light bulb Joke
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
Little Johnny Joke
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
Prime minister Joke
Gordon Brown was lookin for a lady of the night. He found a girl in a local pub. He said: "I'm Prime minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend time with you ...?"
Her reply: "Mr prime minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners - then it won't cost a fucking penny!"
Her reply: "Mr prime minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners - then it won't cost a fucking penny!"