I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.
So I went to the Barbie queue instead.
Two short jokes to get ready for Friday
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy! My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool, when a little boy of about five got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.
Luckily, my wife was there to save his life...
She got out to inform the lifeguard and the water level dropped enough for him to stand up!
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy! My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool, when a little boy of about five got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.
Luckily, my wife was there to save his life...
She got out to inform the lifeguard and the water level dropped enough for him to stand up!
Rabbit walks into a bar and few more funny jokes
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walks into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo!" My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love" "Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!" Why pigs dressed in black never get killed?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham. My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday...
Is she crazy? She knows my dog is getting married that day!
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo!" My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love" "Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!" Why pigs dressed in black never get killed?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham. My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday...
Is she crazy? She knows my dog is getting married that day!
Castro breakfast
NED: Why would Castro enjoy a breakfast of poached eggs with hollandaise sauce and a side of potatoes?
ED: I dunno, why?
NED: ‘Cuz, he's benedict tater!
ED: I dunno, why?
NED: ‘Cuz, he's benedict tater!
Old jokes
'Tell An Old Joke Day' is celebrated on July 24th. This day is a way to keep old jokes alive and kicking! Luckily, our archive started back in 2008, so plenty of Old Jokes! A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves. Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows. An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!" A man goes into his doctor's surgery and says "Doctor, can you give me something for persistent wind?"
The doctor thinks for a moment then replies, "Yes, go and buy a kite." Read more Old jokes on our very first jokes page:
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves. Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows. An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!" A man goes into his doctor's surgery and says "Doctor, can you give me something for persistent wind?"
The doctor thinks for a moment then replies, "Yes, go and buy a kite." Read more Old jokes on our very first jokes page:
Happy Friday with new jokes
My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose.
I was being transparent. I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless. They told me I'd never be good at Poetry because I'm Dyslexic.
But so far I've made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because it would be a foot. My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake. If A is for apple and B is for Banana, what's C for?
Plastic explosives My girlfriend broke up with me and took all my pasta.
She left me penne-less.
I was being transparent. I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless. They told me I'd never be good at Poetry because I'm Dyslexic.
But so far I've made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because it would be a foot. My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake. If A is for apple and B is for Banana, what's C for?
Plastic explosives My girlfriend broke up with me and took all my pasta.
She left me penne-less.
Chess Day jokes
International Chess Day is celebrated on 20 July. Check out some funny Chess jokes! Patient: Doctor whenever I cough it sounds like this 'pawn, bishop, queen.
Doctor: Sounds like you have a chess infection. I played my friend in a game of chess.
She did not think that she could win but she wanted to check anyway. When Australian chess players finish their meals in the restaurant...
they say, "Cheque, mate." Life is like a game of chess.
I can't play chess. Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?
Because it's on F1. A girl comes across a guy playing chess against a dog.
She's very impressed with what she sees and says:
"What a clever dog!"
To which the man responds:
"No, no, he isn't that clever...
I'm leading three games to one!" Where do chess players like to go to look for a bargain?
The pawnshop. How did the king lose his home?
One of the horses took his castle. Which knight always gave up at chess?
Sir Render. Why do chess pieces look so uninterested?
They're part of a bored game. Why should you ever have lunch with a chess player?
It takes them ages to pass the salt. Why did the chess player win the disco competition?
They had all the right moves. When the King started telling a bedtime story to all the chess pieces, he said ...
"Once a pawn a time..."
Doctor: Sounds like you have a chess infection. I played my friend in a game of chess.
She did not think that she could win but she wanted to check anyway. When Australian chess players finish their meals in the restaurant...
they say, "Cheque, mate." Life is like a game of chess.
I can't play chess. Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?
Because it's on F1. A girl comes across a guy playing chess against a dog.
She's very impressed with what she sees and says:
"What a clever dog!"
To which the man responds:
"No, no, he isn't that clever...
I'm leading three games to one!" Where do chess players like to go to look for a bargain?
The pawnshop. How did the king lose his home?
One of the horses took his castle. Which knight always gave up at chess?
Sir Render. Why do chess pieces look so uninterested?
They're part of a bored game. Why should you ever have lunch with a chess player?
It takes them ages to pass the salt. Why did the chess player win the disco competition?
They had all the right moves. When the King started telling a bedtime story to all the chess pieces, he said ...
"Once a pawn a time..."
Short Tempered Rabbi
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather short tempered with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
Is Your Wife Dead
Q) How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A) The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
A) The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Special Ring for a Beautiful Young Girl
A white haired old man went into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman and told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
The jeweller then went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." When asked how payment would be made the old guy said he would pay by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon" he said.
Monday morning, a very upset jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "But just imagine the weekend I had."
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
The jeweller then went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." When asked how payment would be made the old guy said he would pay by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon" he said.
Monday morning, a very upset jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "But just imagine the weekend I had."
Party-gal accelerator
Did you hear, the scientists behind Ecstasy drugs are now building a party-gal accelerator?
Justice jokes
17 July is Day of International Criminal Justice. Raise awareness, and laugh with some jokes! Justice is a dish best served cold because...
...if it were served warm, it would be justwater. Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world. The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol level is good." Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."
...if it were served warm, it would be justwater. Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world. The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol level is good." Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."
Soup on Mars
A man goes to a restaurant on Mars and notices a koala in his soup.
"Waiter," he exclaims, "there's something in my soup!"
The waiter responds, "you ordered the eel soup, right?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, that's an eel."
"Have you been to Earth?! Eels look nothing like koalas!"
"Yes, but this is a Mars Soup Eel."
"Waiter," he exclaims, "there's something in my soup!"
The waiter responds, "you ordered the eel soup, right?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, that's an eel."
"Have you been to Earth?! Eels look nothing like koalas!"
"Yes, but this is a Mars Soup Eel."