Edinburgh Fringe 2023, the funniest joke: Lorna Rose Treen's zookeeper pun: "I started dating a zookeeper,
but it turned out he was a cheetah."
~Lorna Rose Treen. Here are the rest of the top 10 jokes: "The most British thing I've ever heard?
A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.'"
~Liz Guterbock. "Last year I had a great joke about inflation.
But it's hardly worth it now."
~Amos Gill. "When women gossip we get called bitchy;
but when men do it's called a podcast."
~Sikisa. "I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic
- just to break the ice."
~Masai Graham. "How do coeliac Germans greet each other?
Gluten tag."
~Frank Lavender. "My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight.
Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals.
He's Costa-phobic."
~Roger Swift. "I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and
I won hands down."
~Bennett Arron. "Nationwide must have looked pretty silly
when they opened their first branch."
~William Stone. "My grandma describes herself as being in her 'twilight years'
which I love because they're great films."
~Daniel Foxx.
Food for Thought
Lisa: "My son is a waiter."
Rose: "Oh, he works in the food industry?"
Lisa: "No, he always keeps us waiting."
Rose: "Oh, he works in the food industry?"
Lisa: "No, he always keeps us waiting."
Food for Thought
Lisa: "My son is a waiter."
Rose: "Oh, he works in the food industry?"
Lisa: "No, he always keeps us waiting."
Rose: "Oh, he works in the food industry?"
Lisa: "No, he always keeps us waiting."
Relative WiFi JOKE
I've always thought my neighbors were quite nice people...
But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi!
But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi!
Two Things A Child Will Share
There are only two things in the world that a child will willingly share...
A communicable diseases and mom's age.
A communicable diseases and mom's age.
True Hospitality
True hospitality is making your guests feel like they ARE at home...
... all the while you really wish they WERE at home!
... all the while you really wish they WERE at home!
I Had A Disease
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive.
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
11 new jokes for National Tell A Joke Day
On August 16th, celebrate National (US) Tell A Joke Day by doing just that â€" telling a joke. Find some great jokes here: What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?
One of them is an elephant What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction! How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk." Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG. I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it. I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that! I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!" My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him! A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"
One of them is an elephant What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction! How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk." Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG. I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it. I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that! I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!" My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him! A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"
How do you get down off an elephant?
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't, you get down off a goose. Why are elephants always so broke?
They work for peanuts. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
Irrelephant.
You don't, you get down off a goose. Why are elephants always so broke?
They work for peanuts. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
Irrelephant.
Unplug the Machine
I now know how it will end for me...
One of my kid's will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
One of my kid's will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Dentistry At It's Best
Patient: It must be tough spending all day with your hands inside someone's mouth?
Dentist: I prefer to think of it as having my hands inside their wallet.
Dentist: I prefer to think of it as having my hands inside their wallet.
Quitting job, and few more jokes
I have decided to quit my job as a personal trainer, because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice. My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don't have high blood pressure. My wife yelled, "are you even listening to me?"
I thought that was a weird way to start an argument.
I just handed in my too weak notice. My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don't have high blood pressure. My wife yelled, "are you even listening to me?"
I thought that was a weird way to start an argument.
Foreman
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
“You know what a foreman is?†he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?â€
“What's that got to do with it?†he asked.“Well, he just got jealous of me,†Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.â€
“You know what a foreman is?†he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?â€
“What's that got to do with it?†he asked.“Well, he just got jealous of me,†Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.â€
The 10 best jokes of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2023 so far
Had my wedding recently.
I married a midwife, so she's upgraded to a full wife.
~Ed Patrick I hear the inventor of bubblewrap shoes has just popped his clogs.
~Olaf Falafel People ask me about my anti-ageing secrets.
I use a phenomenal eye cream called Not Having Kids.
~Liz Guterbock I drink decaf coffee.
I like my coffee how I like my men - missing everything I need.
~Sasha Ellen How is everyone?
I just signed an NDA, so can't complain.
~Darren Walsh Love is very powerful because it can make you look at a shirt and say,
'I wore that on our first date'
and completely forget you also wore it at a rectal exam
~Ian Smith Family is important, because they're the only people who know what you've been through,
and that's because they caused half of it.
~Philipp Kostelecky Men love fixing things.
Except themselves.
~Ollie Horn I love buying alcohol from the self-service checkout.
I'm in a bad place, and I need to hear a voice say 'Someone is coming to help you'.
~Alexander Bennett Minimum wage workers SHOULD be allowed to do as little as possible.
I got a pizza from Deliveroo, it turned up an hour late, wrong pizza, squashed in the box somehow and I said ‘good!'
That's how it should be.
5 stars.
Big tip!
~Bilal Zafar Photo credit Alan Powdrill â€"
I married a midwife, so she's upgraded to a full wife.
~Ed Patrick I hear the inventor of bubblewrap shoes has just popped his clogs.
~Olaf Falafel People ask me about my anti-ageing secrets.
I use a phenomenal eye cream called Not Having Kids.
~Liz Guterbock I drink decaf coffee.
I like my coffee how I like my men - missing everything I need.
~Sasha Ellen How is everyone?
I just signed an NDA, so can't complain.
~Darren Walsh Love is very powerful because it can make you look at a shirt and say,
'I wore that on our first date'
and completely forget you also wore it at a rectal exam
~Ian Smith Family is important, because they're the only people who know what you've been through,
and that's because they caused half of it.
~Philipp Kostelecky Men love fixing things.
Except themselves.
~Ollie Horn I love buying alcohol from the self-service checkout.
I'm in a bad place, and I need to hear a voice say 'Someone is coming to help you'.
~Alexander Bennett Minimum wage workers SHOULD be allowed to do as little as possible.
I got a pizza from Deliveroo, it turned up an hour late, wrong pizza, squashed in the box somehow and I said ‘good!'
That's how it should be.
5 stars.
Big tip!
~Bilal Zafar Photo credit Alan Powdrill â€"
She Changed Her Name
She wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't afford them.
So she changed her name to JKM345.
So she changed her name to JKM345.
Fetch A Nice Price
I took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow and was told, "This is extremely rare. Do you know what it would fetch in good condition?"
"Dunno," I said. "A stick?"
"Dunno," I said. "A stick?"
Amateur Autopsy Club
I'm really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined...
Wednesday is open Mike night!
Wednesday is open Mike night!