A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.
"Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks.
"Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.
#joke
Do I Look
A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.
"Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks.
"Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.
#joke
"Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks.
"Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.
#joke
A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar...
A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Redneck baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
#joke
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
#joke
Morning Run
I went out for a run this morning, but I came back after a couple of minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I can't run for more than a couple of minutes.
#joke
I forgot that I can't run for more than a couple of minutes.
#joke
Looking For A New Accountant
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn't your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?â€
The businessman replies, “That's the accountant we're looking for.â€
#joke
His friend asks, “Didn't your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?â€
The businessman replies, “That's the accountant we're looking for.â€
#joke
Many Uses for A Brush
Husband: "My shaving brush is very stiff now. I wonder what is wrong with it?"
Wife: "I don't know. It was nice and soft when I painted the bird cage yesterday."
#joke
Wife: "I don't know. It was nice and soft when I painted the bird cage yesterday."
#joke
A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down...
A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down. He pulls over and after messing about with the engine trying to fix it, covering himself in oils and grime, he calls for a mechanic, they tell him they can come in just under an hour to asses the situation. Dismayed, he also calls his boss to let him know what has happened. His boss informs him that the destination of delivery is simply up the road and asks him to carry the coffin the rest of the way. Upset but recognising the fact that he has nothing better to do, he picks up the coffin and starts dragging it with him up the road. A police officer sees this and approaches him, asking "what are you doing with that coffin? Where are you going?". Already upset with the situation, the man responds, "I didn't like where they buried me, so I'm moving!"
#joke
#joke
Do You Play Hockey or Soccer?
While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark bruises.
“Tell me,†said the doctor, “do you play hockey or soccer?â€
“Neither,†said the man. “My wife and I play bridge.â€
#joke
“Tell me,†said the doctor, “do you play hockey or soccer?â€
“Neither,†said the man. “My wife and I play bridge.â€
#joke
Debt Free
I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"
#joke
Read more on page
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"
#joke
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Guy dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan...
Guy dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.
He says, "Oh no, am I..."
Satan says, "Yes, you are. But it's not as bad as you think. Let me give you the tour."
Guy looks around and sees that they are in a grassy field with rolling hills, chirping birds, bunny rabbits hopping around, for as far as the eye can see.
They start walking. Satan points to the right and says, "Over there is the sports center. There are three arenas, an Olympic sized pool, tennis courts, an 18 hole PGA approved golf course, and more. You can watch or participate in any one, any time you want."
Satan continues. "On the left is the theater district. Every movie and and Broadway show ever produced can be enjoyed there 24 hours a day."
Then he points ahead. "The marina is down there, where any sized craft from a dinghy to an aircraft carrier, fully crewed, is available for you."
As they proceed, they pass a fenced off area filled with molten lava all the way to the horizon. In it are hundreds of millions of people, drowning and screaming in agony.
Guy says, "See, now that's what I expected Hell to be like."
Satan replies, "Nah, we just keep that for the Christians. They seem to like it for some reason."
#joke
Read more on page
He says, "Oh no, am I..."
Satan says, "Yes, you are. But it's not as bad as you think. Let me give you the tour."
Guy looks around and sees that they are in a grassy field with rolling hills, chirping birds, bunny rabbits hopping around, for as far as the eye can see.
They start walking. Satan points to the right and says, "Over there is the sports center. There are three arenas, an Olympic sized pool, tennis courts, an 18 hole PGA approved golf course, and more. You can watch or participate in any one, any time you want."
Satan continues. "On the left is the theater district. Every movie and and Broadway show ever produced can be enjoyed there 24 hours a day."
Then he points ahead. "The marina is down there, where any sized craft from a dinghy to an aircraft carrier, fully crewed, is available for you."
As they proceed, they pass a fenced off area filled with molten lava all the way to the horizon. In it are hundreds of millions of people, drowning and screaming in agony.
Guy says, "See, now that's what I expected Hell to be like."
Satan replies, "Nah, we just keep that for the Christians. They seem to like it for some reason."
#joke
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My Hearing
After completing his annual physical on a patient, the doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe replied, "Yeah, my hearing."
The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better.
Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday."
#joke
The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better.
Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday."
#joke
When We Were Kids
It was different when we were kids.
In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...
To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.
#joke
In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...
To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.
#joke
Painting and Cooking
John, an avant-garde painter got married.
Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?"
"It's great," she answered. "John paints and I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked."
#joke
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Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?"
"It's great," she answered. "John paints and I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked."
#joke
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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro rol...
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro roll up to an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, halts them and sternly declares, "It's illegal to cram five people into a Quattro. 'Quattro' means four."
The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."
The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"
Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.
#joke
The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."
The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"
Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.
#joke
Use this one yourself
3 top surgeons are sitting in a bar in _fill_in_your_city_.
One triumphantly says: “man, I still can't believe it. Today a man came into the hospital ER with his hand completely cut off and we were able to put it all back together and his hand is fully functional.â€
The second one says: “dude, that's nothing… yesterday a woman came in with her entire leg amputated, carrying the leg under her arm. We stitched her back together and she walked right out of the hospital.
The third one, stares a bit.. then says: “pfft, bunch of losers, last week the police found an enormous humongous d*ck besides the road, they brought it in. We found a couple of arms and legs and stitched them to the sides. Sort of functional again, we gave him a name and he even found a job.â€
“No wayâ€, the others said.
The third says: oh yea, _fill_in_co-workers_name_, now works at _fill_in_company_name_ as _fill_in_job/function/position_.
#joke
One triumphantly says: “man, I still can't believe it. Today a man came into the hospital ER with his hand completely cut off and we were able to put it all back together and his hand is fully functional.â€
The second one says: “dude, that's nothing… yesterday a woman came in with her entire leg amputated, carrying the leg under her arm. We stitched her back together and she walked right out of the hospital.
The third one, stares a bit.. then says: “pfft, bunch of losers, last week the police found an enormous humongous d*ck besides the road, they brought it in. We found a couple of arms and legs and stitched them to the sides. Sort of functional again, we gave him a name and he even found a job.â€
“No wayâ€, the others said.
The third says: oh yea, _fill_in_co-workers_name_, now works at _fill_in_company_name_ as _fill_in_job/function/position_.
#joke
Fractured Dictionary, Part II
Baloney \\ba-lo'-ne\\: Where some hemlines fall.
Banquet \\bang'-kwit\\: Why the vocalist had no instrumentalists.
Bernadette \\burn'-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Boomerang \\boo'-me-rang\\: What's on top of the Ghost Cream Pie.
#joke
Banquet \\bang'-kwit\\: Why the vocalist had no instrumentalists.
Bernadette \\burn'-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Boomerang \\boo'-me-rang\\: What's on top of the Ghost Cream Pie.
#joke
Blame It On the Media
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.
Shows how toxic the media is.
#joke
Shows how toxic the media is.
#joke
Margin of Error
Here's some advice... At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent!
Unless the job is a statistician!
#joke
Unless the job is a statistician!
#joke
Why is Dad's Hair White?
Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad?
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa's hair is all white!
#joke
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa's hair is all white!
#joke
Why is Dad's Hair White?
Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad?
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa's hair is all white!
#joke
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa's hair is all white!
#joke
Chasing His Tail
As I watched my dog chasing his tail, I thought how easily dogs are amused...
Then, I thought how easily amused I am watching my dog chase his tail.
#joke
Then, I thought how easily amused I am watching my dog chase his tail.
#joke
We Need A Doctor
A girl was walking on the side walk. She sees a man lying on the street, needing immediate help. The victim says that he is having a heart attack. The girl asks people around the street. And a man approached.
Girl: Help, are you a doctor?
Man: I am a doctor. What's going on?
Girl: A Heart Attack!
Man: I am doctor in mathematics.
Girl: He is going to die.
Man: Prove it!
#joke
Girl: Help, are you a doctor?
Man: I am a doctor. What's going on?
Girl: A Heart Attack!
Man: I am doctor in mathematics.
Girl: He is going to die.
Man: Prove it!
#joke