We Don't Need No Stinkin' Dimensions

First Assistant: "So what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that everything fits?"
Person who invented the first public bathroom stall: "Ah, don't worry about that. Can't stress enough how unimportant that part is."



#joke

Green Grape Says

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"



#joke

A One Exhibit Zoo

I went to the zoo.
There was only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo.
It was a Shih Tzu.



#joke

Doing Nothing

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.



#joke

Being In Prison

What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee?
In prison you get free health care.



#joke

The Heartfelt Greeting Card

Woman: "Do you have a greeting card which reads 'You are my first and last love'?"
Store keeper: "Yes ma'am, we do."
Woman: "Perfect! Give me 10 such cards!"



#joke

A Man with Glasses

Never hit a man with glasses...
Use your fists instead.



#joke

Dead End Street

I live on a dead end street.
It is electrically deficient.
There are no outlets!



#joke

Wife Is Being Unfaithful

How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful?
You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman.



#joke