Mummy and Daddy

Son to Dad: "What's the difference between an Egyptian mummy and our mummy?"

Dad to Son: "It's simple son. When we see an Egyptian mummy, you get fear. But when we see your mummy, then I get fear!"



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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego...

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble” "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!" "Yes, I know you did," said theblonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."



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Dressing Like This

A teenage boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this."
"Then why do you?" asked the friend.
"It keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."



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Dolphin Smarts

Dolphins are so intelligent...
That within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw to them fish three times a day.



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Sometimes...

Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears .
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your pain.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...




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What's the Fly Doing?

Customer: "Waiter, waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
The waiter leans forward to get a better look.
Waiter: “Looks like the backstroke, sir.”



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A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner. “Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.” “Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work's really busy this week.” The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly. “The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?” “I'd love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss'll be mad if I don't get this project finished.” The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn't take her, but work was work. The night after, the wife was downcast. “My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we're the only people in town who haven't seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can't we go?” The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show. The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquires about it with the friend. “Oh,” says the friend. “He can't come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”



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How to Hug

I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug".
Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter.
The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.



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How to Hug

I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug".
Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter.
The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.



#joke


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Do I?

Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you a question?"
Wife: "Is that what I do?"



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Bible Jokes - Two for One

Did you know that camel cigarettes are mentioned in the Bible?
Genesis 24:64 (KJV)
And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.
â€"â€"â€"
Honda cars are also in the Bible! They're so quiet, they're good for praying in.

Acts 1:14 (KJV)
These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brethren.



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