Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Bailey says, "I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized."
Doctor Cole says, "I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered."
Doctor Macdonald says, "I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable."
Nike, Adidas and the Ku Klux Klan
Q. What does Nike, Adidas and Ku Klux Klan have in common?
A. They make black people run like hell!
A. They make black people run like hell!
What is Sex
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Three Old Men
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
Psychic Child Joke
A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.
One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die." Sure enough, a year later the young boy died. The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.
A year later she died. The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge...Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations, and flings with supermodels. His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie.
At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep. To his amazement, he woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible! Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."
One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die." Sure enough, a year later the young boy died. The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.
A year later she died. The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge...Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations, and flings with supermodels. His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie.
At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep. To his amazement, he woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible! Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."
Geography of a Woman (and a Man)
Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love, dare visit there.
Geography of a Man
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love, dare visit there.
Geography of a Man
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.
Bono
Bono, the lead singer of the rock band U2 (one of the most over rated bands in history), is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland (which I'm guessing was ridiculously overpriced!) Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, Bono started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, Bono said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet...
'Well, fucking stop doing it then, you evil bastard!'
Special Ring for a Beautiful Young Girl
A white haired old man went into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman and told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
The jeweller then went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." When asked how payment would be made the old guy said he would pay by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon" he said.
Monday morning, a very upset jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "But just imagine the weekend I had."
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
The jeweller then went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." When asked how payment would be made the old guy said he would pay by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon" he said.
Monday morning, a very upset jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "But just imagine the weekend I had."
Bulls only screw the cows once a year
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
Fly By Pigeon Crap
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
Helga goes downtown
Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
'Gootness, iss hot,' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, 'Vy nought?' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
'Bartender,' she said. 'I vill have unt cold beer, please.'
The bartender asked, 'Anheuser Busch?'
'Vell, fine, tanks,' she said, 'Just unt leetle svetty.'
'Gootness, iss hot,' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, 'Vy nought?' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
'Bartender,' she said. 'I vill have unt cold beer, please.'
The bartender asked, 'Anheuser Busch?'
'Vell, fine, tanks,' she said, 'Just unt leetle svetty.'
90 Year old Masturbater
Q: What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip!
A: Miracle Whip!
Man caught in Office with Secretary
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
With 2000 pounds of dynamite
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
A: He sold his soul to Santa.