Why does Dolly Parton have such tiny feet?
Nothing grows in the shade.
Frog Joke
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
Sex Joke
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Joke
This guy finally gets a date with the girl of his dreams. She tells him that before they can go out, he has to come over and have dinner with her family. Well the guy isn't too fond of the idea but the woman is too gorgeous to refuse.
The rest of the day the guy worries and frets. He gets so worried that he starts to build up a lot of gas. But he makes it to her house and is invited inside. The dinner was great and afterwards the young woman's father starts to read the paper. The guy's gas has built to a level that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little fart go.
Phht ...
The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says, "Spot ..."
The guy looks around confused by this comment and spies a old sheepdog behind his chair. Great the old man must think the dog is doing it! So he decides to let a bigger fart go.
Phhhhttt ...
The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his paper. "Spot!" he says in an annoyed tone.
The guy feels much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the gas.
pppphhhhttttpow!
The father rips his glasses off and throws the paper to the floor. "Spot you deaf bag of fur ... get away from him before he shits all over you!"
The rest of the day the guy worries and frets. He gets so worried that he starts to build up a lot of gas. But he makes it to her house and is invited inside. The dinner was great and afterwards the young woman's father starts to read the paper. The guy's gas has built to a level that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little fart go.
Phht ...
The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says, "Spot ..."
The guy looks around confused by this comment and spies a old sheepdog behind his chair. Great the old man must think the dog is doing it! So he decides to let a bigger fart go.
Phhhhttt ...
The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his paper. "Spot!" he says in an annoyed tone.
The guy feels much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the gas.
pppphhhhttttpow!
The father rips his glasses off and throws the paper to the floor. "Spot you deaf bag of fur ... get away from him before he shits all over you!"
Lottery Joke
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
Joke
Teacher: "What do we call the outer part of a tree?"
Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"
Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"
Pupil: "Woof, woof!"
Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"
Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"
Pupil: "Woof, woof!"
Sex Joke
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
Blonde Joke
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She comes out and says she did it.
Dog Joke
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
Urine Joke
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
Joke
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions" he observed.
To the first mother he said: "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
"You all have obsessions" he observed.
To the first mother he said: "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
Football Joke
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
Mafia Joke
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?