Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."
Microsoft Joke
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Taxi Joke
A passenger taps a taxi drivers on his shoulder. The driver shits himself with shock, swerves nearly hitting a bus and stops inches from a shop window.
"Fuck-me, your jumpy aren't yer, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.
"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for 20 years."
"Fuck-me, your jumpy aren't yer, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.
"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for 20 years."
Sex Joke
3 People get stranded on a desert Island - Charles, Matt and Susan. After a while they realise that they are stuck on this island and naturally things happen between the men and the woman.
This goes on for about a year when Susan feeling really bad about having sex with both Matt and Charles and kills herself.
Charles and Matt are sad. But again after a while nature takes its course.
And again about a year later the boys feel really really bad about what they're doing so finally they decide to bury Susan.
This goes on for about a year when Susan feeling really bad about having sex with both Matt and Charles and kills herself.
Charles and Matt are sad. But again after a while nature takes its course.
And again about a year later the boys feel really really bad about what they're doing so finally they decide to bury Susan.
Man Joke
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.
If only men would listen.
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.
If only men would listen.
Husband Joke
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Sex Joke
The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed, the somewhat amazed but blissfully happy newlywed wife snuggles up to her new hubby and says, "Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing. May I ask how many others were there before me?"
After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, "Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."
And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."
After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, "Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."
And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."
Brace Joke
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Man Joke
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Cat Joke
Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?".
Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.
"What?! You shouldn't have broke the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.
Bobby apologized and went about his day.
About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?".
There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."
Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.
"What?! You shouldn't have broke the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.
Bobby apologized and went about his day.
About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?".
There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."
Death Joke
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Bra Joke
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:
A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake
A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake
Sex Joke
The 5 worst things about being a penis is ...
1. You have a hole in your head.
2. Your best friend is a cunt.
3. Your next door neighbors are 2 nuts and an asshole.
4. Every time you get excited you throw up.
5. You always are wearing a collar.
1. You have a hole in your head.
2. Your best friend is a cunt.
3. Your next door neighbors are 2 nuts and an asshole.
4. Every time you get excited you throw up.
5. You always are wearing a collar.