I poured my root beer into a square glass...
Now I have a beerWhy was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine! What do you call a bunch of guys who love math?
Alge-bros! Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
It was over 90 degrees! How does a mathematician plow fields?
With a pro-tractor. What's a math teacher's favorite kind of tree?
Geometry. Why did the girl wear glasses during math class?
It improved di-vision. Who's the king of the pencil case?
The ruler. Why doesn't anybody talk to circles?
Because there's no point. What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless. Why was the obtuse triangle always upset?
Because it's never right. What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt! Why did the two 4s skip lunch?
They already 8! How do you make seven an even number?
Remove the s! Why was math class so long?
The teacher kept going off on a tangent. Do you know what's odd?
Every other number! Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula. Which king loved fractions?
Henry the â…›. Have you heard the one about the statistician?
Probably. What do you call a number that can't sit still?
A roamin' numeral!
Crime during Oktoberfest
I committed a crime during Oktoberfest, and my friend ratted on me to the cops. Man, what a schnitz.
Painting lines
A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road, so the boss gives him a big can of paint, a brush and sends him out... At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed. At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a little surprised at the drop, but thinks maybe the first-day enthusiasm just wore off. At the end of the third day, the painter reports that he did 400 yards. The boss says, "That's quite a difference from the first day." The painter replies, "Yeah, well it's a lot longer walk back to the paint can now."
Camping in the woods
I went camping in the woods, but my tent smelled like feet. It was a big musky toe problem.
Camping in the woods
I went camping in the woods, but my tent smelled like feet. It was a big musky toe problem.
Camping in the woods
I went camping in the woods, but my tent smelled like feet. It was a big musky toe problem.
8 short dad jokes to make you laugh
mom:Do you think we're made of money?
daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for? I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn't work anymore.
The council said they would charge me £27.00 to collect it and dispose of it.
Instead, I paid £7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don't like! In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables.
I left because i was unhappy with the celery. It was a very moving ceremony.
Even the cake is in tiers. So, today, I told my team about the importance of dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness. Yeah. I was in a Zoom meeting when I told that joke and they didn't laugh either.
It turns out I'm not even remotely funny. My mum told me that I can't drive a car made of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. Why are Catholics so upbeat after church gatherings?
Because they convert Mass into energy.
daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for? I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn't work anymore.
The council said they would charge me £27.00 to collect it and dispose of it.
Instead, I paid £7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don't like! In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables.
I left because i was unhappy with the celery. It was a very moving ceremony.
Even the cake is in tiers. So, today, I told my team about the importance of dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness. Yeah. I was in a Zoom meeting when I told that joke and they didn't laugh either.
It turns out I'm not even remotely funny. My mum told me that I can't drive a car made of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. Why are Catholics so upbeat after church gatherings?
Because they convert Mass into energy.
8 short dad jokes to make you laugh
mom:Do you think we're made of money?
daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for? I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn't work anymore.
The council said they would charge me £27.00 to collect it and dispose of it.
Instead, I paid £7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don't like! In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables.
I left because i was unhappy with the celery. It was a very moving ceremony.
Even the cake is in tiers. So, today, I told my team about the importance of dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness. Yeah. I was in a Zoom meeting when I told that joke and they didn't laugh either.
It turns out I'm not even remotely funny. My mum told me that I can't drive a car made of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. Why are Catholics so upbeat after church gatherings?
Because they convert Mass into energy.
daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for? I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn't work anymore.
The council said they would charge me £27.00 to collect it and dispose of it.
Instead, I paid £7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don't like! In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables.
I left because i was unhappy with the celery. It was a very moving ceremony.
Even the cake is in tiers. So, today, I told my team about the importance of dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness. Yeah. I was in a Zoom meeting when I told that joke and they didn't laugh either.
It turns out I'm not even remotely funny. My mum told me that I can't drive a car made of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. Why are Catholics so upbeat after church gatherings?
Because they convert Mass into energy.
Girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and 2 more short new jokes
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me
I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.
I told her it's ...
it is my last hope for a smoking hot body I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.
But he just won't listen.
I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.
I told her it's ...
it is my last hope for a smoking hot body I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.
But he just won't listen.
17 Labor Day Jokes to enjoy Monday Off
Labor Day always falls on the first Monday in September, have some jokes during 3 day weekend Is Aunty Diane having her baby today?
Why did you think she is about to give birth?
Because you said today was Labor Day! When is Labor Day?
About 9 months after Father's Day. Do you know, most people don't have to work today, because it's Labor Day.
If people are not working, shouldn't we call today "No-Labor Day?" What do you call a hobbit throwing a Labor Day party?
It's just a little get-together. Why do the employees get sick on Labor Day Weekend?
Weakened immune system. Happy Labor Day!
Oh wait… we live on a farm. Never mind! I told my coworker I was going skydiving labor day weekend and he asked how many feet I was diving from.
I looked down at my feet, "Just these two". Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open on Labor Day?
They are key workers. Why are zombies free labor?
They don't need a living wage. What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?
Fission Chips. Why did ancient Egyptians have a hard time recruiting laborers?
It was a pyramid scheme. What do you call a sick co-worker?
Staff infection. What do you call a snake that works for the Government?
A Civil Serpent. How did a calendar factory worker get fired?
He took a day off on Labor Day. Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking. What is the day when most Babies are born?
Well, it's Labor Day. Most people enjoy a day off on Labor Day except for fire…
Fire works on the Labor Day.
Why did you think she is about to give birth?
Because you said today was Labor Day! When is Labor Day?
About 9 months after Father's Day. Do you know, most people don't have to work today, because it's Labor Day.
If people are not working, shouldn't we call today "No-Labor Day?" What do you call a hobbit throwing a Labor Day party?
It's just a little get-together. Why do the employees get sick on Labor Day Weekend?
Weakened immune system. Happy Labor Day!
Oh wait… we live on a farm. Never mind! I told my coworker I was going skydiving labor day weekend and he asked how many feet I was diving from.
I looked down at my feet, "Just these two". Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open on Labor Day?
They are key workers. Why are zombies free labor?
They don't need a living wage. What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?
Fission Chips. Why did ancient Egyptians have a hard time recruiting laborers?
It was a pyramid scheme. What do you call a sick co-worker?
Staff infection. What do you call a snake that works for the Government?
A Civil Serpent. How did a calendar factory worker get fired?
He took a day off on Labor Day. Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking. What is the day when most Babies are born?
Well, it's Labor Day. Most people enjoy a day off on Labor Day except for fire…
Fire works on the Labor Day.
30 Bacon jokes to celebrate International Bacon Day
The first Saturday in September is International Bacon Day and a day to enjoy all things bacon, including bacon jokes! What is a pig's favorite song?
"Don't Go Bacon My Heart." What's a bacon lover's favorite musical?
"Grease." What's a bacon lover's favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine." What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork. Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon. Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk! What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz. Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine. What's a bacon enthusiast's favorite play?
"Hamlet." What's the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I've got bacon." What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine! Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet. What's the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up! How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.' What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig. What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs. How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom. How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one's looking! What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket! Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon. With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary. Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon. What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink. Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog. What's the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks. What's the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck. What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon. Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon. What did the pig say at the beach?
"It's so hot, I'm bacon!"
"Don't Go Bacon My Heart." What's a bacon lover's favorite musical?
"Grease." What's a bacon lover's favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine." What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork. Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon. Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk! What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz. Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine. What's a bacon enthusiast's favorite play?
"Hamlet." What's the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I've got bacon." What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine! Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet. What's the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up! How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.' What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig. What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs. How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom. How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one's looking! What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket! Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon. With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary. Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon. What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink. Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog. What's the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks. What's the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck. What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon. Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon. What did the pig say at the beach?
"It's so hot, I'm bacon!"
30 Bacon jokes to celebrate International Bacon Day
The first Saturday in September is International Bacon Day and a day to enjoy all things bacon, including bacon jokes! What is a pig's favorite song?
"Don't Go Bacon My Heart." What's a bacon lover's favorite musical?
"Grease." What's a bacon lover's favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine." What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork. Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon. Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk! What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz. Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine. What's a bacon enthusiast's favorite play?
"Hamlet." What's the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I've got bacon." What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine! Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet. What's the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up! How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.' What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig. What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs. How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom. How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one's looking! What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket! Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon. With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary. Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon. What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink. Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog. What's the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks. What's the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck. What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon. Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon. What did the pig say at the beach?
"It's so hot, I'm bacon!"
"Don't Go Bacon My Heart." What's a bacon lover's favorite musical?
"Grease." What's a bacon lover's favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine." What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork. Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon. Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk! What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz. Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine. What's a bacon enthusiast's favorite play?
"Hamlet." What's the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I've got bacon." What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine! Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet. What's the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up! How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.' What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig. What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs. How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom. How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one's looking! What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket! Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon. With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary. Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon. What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink. Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog. What's the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks. What's the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck. What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon. Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon. What did the pig say at the beach?
"It's so hot, I'm bacon!"
30 Bacon jokes to celebrate International Bacon Day
The first Saturday in September is International Bacon Day and a day to enjoy all things bacon, including bacon jokes! What is a pig's favorite song?
"Don't Go Bacon My Heart." What's a bacon lover's favorite musical?
"Grease." What's a bacon lover's favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine." What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork. Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon. Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk! What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz. Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine. What's a bacon enthusiast's favorite play?
"Hamlet." What's the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I've got bacon." What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine! Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet. What's the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up! How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.' What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig. What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs. How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom. How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one's looking! What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket! Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon. With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary. Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon. What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink. Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog. What's the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks. What's the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck. What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon. Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon. What did the pig say at the beach?
"It's so hot, I'm bacon!"
"Don't Go Bacon My Heart." What's a bacon lover's favorite musical?
"Grease." What's a bacon lover's favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine." What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork. Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon. Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk! What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz. Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine. What's a bacon enthusiast's favorite play?
"Hamlet." What's the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I've got bacon." What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine! Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet. What's the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up! How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.' What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig. What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs. How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom. How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one's looking! What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket! Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon. With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary. Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon. What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink. Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog. What's the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks. What's the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck. What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon. Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon. What did the pig say at the beach?
"It's so hot, I'm bacon!"
Hot Robin, Hot Summer
It's been really hot this summer.
The other day I saw a robin pulling a worm out of the ground using potholders.
The other day I saw a robin pulling a worm out of the ground using potholders.
Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Edinburgh Fringe
Edinburgh Fringe 2023, the funniest joke: Lorna Rose Treen's zookeeper pun: "I started dating a zookeeper,
but it turned out he was a cheetah."
~Lorna Rose Treen. Here are the rest of the top 10 jokes: "The most British thing I've ever heard?
A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.'"
~Liz Guterbock. "Last year I had a great joke about inflation.
But it's hardly worth it now."
~Amos Gill. "When women gossip we get called bitchy;
but when men do it's called a podcast."
~Sikisa. "I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic
- just to break the ice."
~Masai Graham. "How do coeliac Germans greet each other?
Gluten tag."
~Frank Lavender. "My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight.
Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals.
He's Costa-phobic."
~Roger Swift. "I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and
I won hands down."
~Bennett Arron. "Nationwide must have looked pretty silly
when they opened their first branch."
~William Stone. "My grandma describes herself as being in her 'twilight years'
which I love because they're great films."
~Daniel Foxx.
but it turned out he was a cheetah."
~Lorna Rose Treen. Here are the rest of the top 10 jokes: "The most British thing I've ever heard?
A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.'"
~Liz Guterbock. "Last year I had a great joke about inflation.
But it's hardly worth it now."
~Amos Gill. "When women gossip we get called bitchy;
but when men do it's called a podcast."
~Sikisa. "I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic
- just to break the ice."
~Masai Graham. "How do coeliac Germans greet each other?
Gluten tag."
~Frank Lavender. "My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight.
Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals.
He's Costa-phobic."
~Roger Swift. "I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and
I won hands down."
~Bennett Arron. "Nationwide must have looked pretty silly
when they opened their first branch."
~William Stone. "My grandma describes herself as being in her 'twilight years'
which I love because they're great films."
~Daniel Foxx.