It was different when we were kids.
In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...
To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.
#joke
Painting and Cooking
John, an avant-garde painter got married.
Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?"
"It's great," she answered. "John paints and I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked."
#joke
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Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?"
"It's great," she answered. "John paints and I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked."
#joke
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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro rol...
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro roll up to an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, halts them and sternly declares, "It's illegal to cram five people into a Quattro. 'Quattro' means four."
The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."
The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"
Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.
#joke
The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."
The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"
Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.
#joke
Use this one yourself
3 top surgeons are sitting in a bar in _fill_in_your_city_.
One triumphantly says: “man, I still can't believe it. Today a man came into the hospital ER with his hand completely cut off and we were able to put it all back together and his hand is fully functional.â€
The second one says: “dude, that's nothing… yesterday a woman came in with her entire leg amputated, carrying the leg under her arm. We stitched her back together and she walked right out of the hospital.
The third one, stares a bit.. then says: “pfft, bunch of losers, last week the police found an enormous humongous d*ck besides the road, they brought it in. We found a couple of arms and legs and stitched them to the sides. Sort of functional again, we gave him a name and he even found a job.â€
“No wayâ€, the others said.
The third says: oh yea, _fill_in_co-workers_name_, now works at _fill_in_company_name_ as _fill_in_job/function/position_.
#joke
One triumphantly says: “man, I still can't believe it. Today a man came into the hospital ER with his hand completely cut off and we were able to put it all back together and his hand is fully functional.â€
The second one says: “dude, that's nothing… yesterday a woman came in with her entire leg amputated, carrying the leg under her arm. We stitched her back together and she walked right out of the hospital.
The third one, stares a bit.. then says: “pfft, bunch of losers, last week the police found an enormous humongous d*ck besides the road, they brought it in. We found a couple of arms and legs and stitched them to the sides. Sort of functional again, we gave him a name and he even found a job.â€
“No wayâ€, the others said.
The third says: oh yea, _fill_in_co-workers_name_, now works at _fill_in_company_name_ as _fill_in_job/function/position_.
#joke
Fractured Dictionary, Part II
Baloney \\ba-lo'-ne\\: Where some hemlines fall.
Banquet \\bang'-kwit\\: Why the vocalist had no instrumentalists.
Bernadette \\burn'-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Boomerang \\boo'-me-rang\\: What's on top of the Ghost Cream Pie.
#joke
Banquet \\bang'-kwit\\: Why the vocalist had no instrumentalists.
Bernadette \\burn'-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Boomerang \\boo'-me-rang\\: What's on top of the Ghost Cream Pie.
#joke
Blame It On the Media
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.
Shows how toxic the media is.
#joke
Shows how toxic the media is.
#joke
Margin of Error
Here's some advice... At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent!
Unless the job is a statistician!
#joke
Unless the job is a statistician!
#joke
Why is Dad's Hair White?
Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad?
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa's hair is all white!
#joke
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa's hair is all white!
#joke
Why is Dad's Hair White?
Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad?
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa's hair is all white!
#joke
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa's hair is all white!
#joke
Chasing His Tail
As I watched my dog chasing his tail, I thought how easily dogs are amused...
Then, I thought how easily amused I am watching my dog chase his tail.
#joke
Then, I thought how easily amused I am watching my dog chase his tail.
#joke
We Need A Doctor
A girl was walking on the side walk. She sees a man lying on the street, needing immediate help. The victim says that he is having a heart attack. The girl asks people around the street. And a man approached.
Girl: Help, are you a doctor?
Man: I am a doctor. What's going on?
Girl: A Heart Attack!
Man: I am doctor in mathematics.
Girl: He is going to die.
Man: Prove it!
#joke
Girl: Help, are you a doctor?
Man: I am a doctor. What's going on?
Girl: A Heart Attack!
Man: I am doctor in mathematics.
Girl: He is going to die.
Man: Prove it!
#joke
We Need A Doctor
A girl was walking on the side walk. She sees a man lying on the street, needing immediate help. The victim says that he is having a heart attack. The girl asks people around the street. And a man approached.
Girl: Help, are you a doctor?
Man: I am a doctor. What's going on?
Girl: A Heart Attack!
Man: I am doctor in mathematics.
Girl: He is going to die.
Man: Prove it!
#joke
Girl: Help, are you a doctor?
Man: I am a doctor. What's going on?
Girl: A Heart Attack!
Man: I am doctor in mathematics.
Girl: He is going to die.
Man: Prove it!
#joke
Parrot Talk
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."
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"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."
#joke
Read more on page