Q: What's better than roses on a piano?
A: Tulips on an organ.
Football: Elephants v Ants
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of football.
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
Chicken Little
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
Female Dormitory will be Out-of-bounds
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
To Fly or Not to Fly
Upon reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee, where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the coffee. As this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you or in the rear!"
The very next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you complain way too much!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the coffee. As this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you or in the rear!"
The very next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you complain way too much!"
Interesting Facts
1. California has issued at least 6 drivers licenses to people named Jesus Christ.
2. Kangaroos can not walk backwards.
3. 'Jedi' is an official religion, with over 70,000 followers, in Australia.
4. According to a recent survey, more than half of British adults have had sex in a public place!
5. Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life.
6. Nachos is the food most craved by pregnant women.
7. Each year, 24,000 Americans are bitten by rats!
8. Most dreams last only 5 to 20 minutes.
9. The hair of an adult man or woman can stretch 25 percent of its length without breaking.
10. On average, the life span of an American dollar bill is eighteen months.
11. Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
12. The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com.
13. Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate every second.
14. U.S. President Calvin Coolidge liked to eat breakfast while having his head rubbed with Vaseline.
15. When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.
16. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
17. The creator of the NIKE Swoosh symbol was paid only $35 for the design.
18. How does a shark find fish? It can hear their hearts beating.
19. Penguins can convert salt water into fresh water.
20. In ten minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined!
21. The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.
22. During WWII, because a lot of players were called to duty, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Philadelphia Eagles combined to become The Steagles.
23. Nearly 22,000 cheques will be deducted from the wrong account over the next hour.
24. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
25. There are more fatal car accidents in July than any other month.
26. There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.
27. More than 2 million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
28. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
29. Washington, D.C. has one lawyer for every 19 residents!
30. Avocados have more protein than any other fruit.
31. The average car produces a pound of pollution every 25 miles!
32. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
33. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die!
34. The most powerful electric eel is found in the rivers of Brazil, Columbia, Venezuela, and Peru, and produces a shock of 400-650 volts.
35. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
36. Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
37. In India, people are legally allowed to marry a dog!
38. You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark.
39. Half of all identity thieves are either relatives, friends, or neighbors of their victims.
40. One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
2. Kangaroos can not walk backwards.
3. 'Jedi' is an official religion, with over 70,000 followers, in Australia.
4. According to a recent survey, more than half of British adults have had sex in a public place!
5. Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life.
6. Nachos is the food most craved by pregnant women.
7. Each year, 24,000 Americans are bitten by rats!
8. Most dreams last only 5 to 20 minutes.
9. The hair of an adult man or woman can stretch 25 percent of its length without breaking.
10. On average, the life span of an American dollar bill is eighteen months.
11. Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
12. The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com.
13. Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate every second.
14. U.S. President Calvin Coolidge liked to eat breakfast while having his head rubbed with Vaseline.
15. When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.
16. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
17. The creator of the NIKE Swoosh symbol was paid only $35 for the design.
18. How does a shark find fish? It can hear their hearts beating.
19. Penguins can convert salt water into fresh water.
20. In ten minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined!
21. The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.
22. During WWII, because a lot of players were called to duty, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Philadelphia Eagles combined to become The Steagles.
23. Nearly 22,000 cheques will be deducted from the wrong account over the next hour.
24. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
25. There are more fatal car accidents in July than any other month.
26. There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.
27. More than 2 million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
28. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
29. Washington, D.C. has one lawyer for every 19 residents!
30. Avocados have more protein than any other fruit.
31. The average car produces a pound of pollution every 25 miles!
32. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
33. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die!
34. The most powerful electric eel is found in the rivers of Brazil, Columbia, Venezuela, and Peru, and produces a shock of 400-650 volts.
35. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
36. Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
37. In India, people are legally allowed to marry a dog!
38. You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark.
39. Half of all identity thieves are either relatives, friends, or neighbors of their victims.
40. One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
The Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Product Warnings
These are actual warnings given on various products:
On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a flavoured milkdrink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a flavoured milkdrink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
