An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
A Lady Goes Into a Bar With Her Goose
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"
Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
Why Do Doctors Slap Babies Butts
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Holy Water
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
Every Job Is Important
The teacher in Johnny´s school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny´s turn, he stood up and said "My mom´s a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal´s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in
class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number..."
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny´s turn, he stood up and said "My mom´s a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal´s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in
class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number..."
A Dying Man Says To His Wife
A dying man said to his wife: Dear, our fourth son always looked different from the other three. Did he have a different father? Please tell me, I'm on my death bed and would just like to know the truth.
Wife: Yes.
Man: Who's the father?
Wife: You.
Wife: Yes.
Man: Who's the father?
Wife: You.
Two Homosexuals Go To The Carnival
Two Homosexuals decide to go to the carnival. One says to the other "Fancy coming for a ride on the chair-o-plane?"
"No", says the other, "I've had enough."
So the first man gets on the ride and starts to go around and around and around (you get the idea) and then a terrible accident happens. The ride spins out of control and the guy is thrown off the ride and lands in the next field. His friend quickly rushes over and asks, "Are you hurt?"
The injured man says, "Hurt, of course I'm bloody hurt. I went around on that thing a dozen times and you didn't wave once."
"No", says the other, "I've had enough."
So the first man gets on the ride and starts to go around and around and around (you get the idea) and then a terrible accident happens. The ride spins out of control and the guy is thrown off the ride and lands in the next field. His friend quickly rushes over and asks, "Are you hurt?"
The injured man says, "Hurt, of course I'm bloody hurt. I went around on that thing a dozen times and you didn't wave once."
A Mortician Was Working Late One Night
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
A Woman Came Up Behind Her Husband...
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."
Football: Elephants v Ants
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of football.
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
Chicken Little
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
Female Dormitory will be Out-of-bounds
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
To Fly or Not to Fly
Upon reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee, where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the coffee. As this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you or in the rear!"
The very next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you complain way too much!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the coffee. As this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you or in the rear!"
The very next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you complain way too much!"