We Don't Need No Stinkin' Dimensions

First Assistant: "So what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that everything fits?"
Person who invented the first public bathroom stall: "Ah, don't worry about that. Can't stress enough how unimportant that part is."



#joke

Green Grape Says

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"



#joke

A One Exhibit Zoo

I went to the zoo.
There was only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo.
It was a Shih Tzu.



#joke

Doing Nothing

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.



#joke

Being In Prison

What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee?
In prison you get free health care.



#joke

The Heartfelt Greeting Card

Woman: "Do you have a greeting card which reads 'You are my first and last love'?"
Store keeper: "Yes ma'am, we do."
Woman: "Perfect! Give me 10 such cards!"



#joke

A Man with Glasses

Never hit a man with glasses...
Use your fists instead.



#joke

Dead End Street

I live on a dead end street.
It is electrically deficient.
There are no outlets!



#joke

Wife Is Being Unfaithful

How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful?
You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman.



#joke

Do I Look

A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.
"Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks.
"Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.



#joke

Do I Look

A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.
"Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks.
"Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.



#joke

A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar...

A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Redneck baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."



#joke

Morning Run

I went out for a run this morning, but I came back after a couple of minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I can't run for more than a couple of minutes.



#joke

Gym Problems

Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?
To get shredded!



#joke

Looking For A New Accountant

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn't your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That's the accountant we're looking for.”



#joke