Simon and Craig were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Simon," asked Craig, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Simon replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Craig asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Craig asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Simon said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Craig asked again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windscreen.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windscreen.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Qantas Gripe Sheet
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Muslim Mothers
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mums pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."
The other mum replies, "I remember him as a baby."
Mum says, "He's a martyr now."
"Oh, so sad, my dear."
Mum flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mum sighs, "He's a martyr, too."
"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.
"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18." Mum whispers.
"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also" Mum says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
The other mum replies, "I remember him as a baby."
Mum says, "He's a martyr now."
"Oh, so sad, my dear."
Mum flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mum sighs, "He's a martyr, too."
"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.
"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18." Mum whispers.
"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also" Mum says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Toothpicks and a Straw
A beggar runs into a bar and says "Bar tender, bar tender give me a tooth pick"
The bar tender is a bit confused and asks, "Why do you want a tooth pick?"
The beggar just replies, "Give me the damn tooth pick"
So the bar tender gave him the tooth pick, then another beggar comes in and also asks for a tooth pick and the bar tender gives it to him no questions asked.
Then another beggar comes in and asks for a straw, the bar tender asks him, "Hey, all the other beggars wanted tooth picks, Why do you want a straw?"
The beggar replies, "well somebody spewed outside and all the chunky bits are finished!"
The bar tender is a bit confused and asks, "Why do you want a tooth pick?"
The beggar just replies, "Give me the damn tooth pick"
So the bar tender gave him the tooth pick, then another beggar comes in and also asks for a tooth pick and the bar tender gives it to him no questions asked.
Then another beggar comes in and asks for a straw, the bar tender asks him, "Hey, all the other beggars wanted tooth picks, Why do you want a straw?"
The beggar replies, "well somebody spewed outside and all the chunky bits are finished!"
Dead Boss
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
Golfing
Craig and Richard are out trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
Craig says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we play through?"
Richard gets about halfway there and comes back.
Craig asks, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
Craig says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and comes back.
Richard says, "What's wrong?"
Craig replies, "Small world."
Craig says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we play through?"
Richard gets about halfway there and comes back.
Craig asks, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
Craig says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and comes back.
Richard says, "What's wrong?"
Craig replies, "Small world."
Wings and Halo...
A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman’s shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter.
"I’ll go to the other place. I want to go to Hell."
"You don’t want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there"
"I don’t care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."
"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter.
"I’ll go to the other place. I want to go to Hell."
"You don’t want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there"
"I don’t care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A: Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Why did the man cross the road?
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: Because he heard the chicken was a slut.
A: Because he heard the chicken was a slut.
Two engineers
Two engineering students meet on campus one day.
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey Craig, nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young girl rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!'"
"Good choice!" says Richo, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey Craig, nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young girl rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!'"
"Good choice!" says Richo, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
What's the difference...
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
A: One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Driving Compliment
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.
I went to my local butchers...
I went to my local butchers the other day.
He's not a tall man, so I say to him: "I bet you £50 that you can't reach the meat on the top shelf.
And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
He's not a tall man, so I say to him: "I bet you £50 that you can't reach the meat on the top shelf.
And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Angus.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Angus.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Angus.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Angus.
Two Hydrogen Atoms
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Man with a strawberry...
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"I'll have a pint please, and one for the road."
"I'll have a pint please, and one for the road."
Sandwich Walks in to a Bar
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
Jump Lead Walks in to a Bar
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Cannibals
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"
One turns to the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two fish
Two fish were swimming up a river when they both swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Two Muffins
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
The first muffin turns to the second and says "Crap, it's hot in here!"
The second muffin replies "Holy crap, a talking muffin!!"
The first muffin turns to the second and says "Crap, it's hot in here!"
The second muffin replies "Holy crap, a talking muffin!!"
A man goes to the zoo
A man goes to the zoo and all he sees is a small dog inside a cage.
It was a Shih-Tzu.
It was a Shih-Tzu.
Welcome to SmokoJoko
G'day, and welcome to SmokoJoko, your one-stop-shop to kill the boredom at work. We are going to be posting some hillarious jokes, funny stories and maybe even the odd photo. If you have any suggestions, comments, jokes or stories that you'd like us to post, let us know!