There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, "Can I rent a donkey?"
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hot dog stand, and asks for a hot dog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hot dogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener while I scratch my ass?"
When Bill Clinton and Hillary Got Married
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, "There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die."
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and $1.5 million in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you."
Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all."
She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the $1.5 milion dollars?"
Bill replied, "Well, when the box got full of cans, I had to cash them in."
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and $1.5 million in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you."
Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all."
She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the $1.5 milion dollars?"
Bill replied, "Well, when the box got full of cans, I had to cash them in."
Blonde Behind the Steering Wheel
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An airbag.
A: An airbag.
All Politicians are Assholes
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, "All politicians are assholes."
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?"
"No," he replies, "I'm an asshole."
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?"
"No," he replies, "I'm an asshole."
Holiday Feast
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."
The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"
"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."
The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"
"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."
Truly Sensitive Guy
Q: What defines a truly sensitive guy?
A: He doesn’t make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.
A: He doesn’t make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.
Downhill Putt and a Blowjob
Q: What’s the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob?
A: You’ll never hear a guy getting a blowjob say, "Slow down! Stop! BITE, YOU COCKSUCKER!"
A: You’ll never hear a guy getting a blowjob say, "Slow down! Stop! BITE, YOU COCKSUCKER!"
What is the Difference Between Garbage and an Ugly Girl?
Q: What is the difference between garbage and an ugly girl?
A: Garbage gets picked up at least once a week.
A: Garbage gets picked up at least once a week.
What’s the Difference Between a Pimple and a Priest?
Q: What’s the difference between a pimple and a priest?
A: A pimple waits till you’re about 15 till it comes on your face.
A: A pimple waits till you’re about 15 till it comes on your face.
Why Did God Give Women Multiple Orgasms?
Q: Why did God give women multiple orgasms?
A: So they can fucking moan when they’re happy, too.
A: So they can fucking moan when they’re happy, too.
What's the Difference Between a Lawyer and a Gigolo?
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Saving it for Marriage
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.
"My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I’ll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving that stuff for when I get married," said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father, but there’s only one problem."
"What’s that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff, and now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
"My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I’ll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving that stuff for when I get married," said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father, but there’s only one problem."
"What’s that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff, and now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
Lost Wife
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their trolleys around Tesco when they collide.
"Sorry about that" says the old guy to the young guy, "I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says: "That's OK. It's a coincidence, but I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says: "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says: "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a skimpy halter top and tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says: "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
"Sorry about that" says the old guy to the young guy, "I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says: "That's OK. It's a coincidence, but I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says: "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says: "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a skimpy halter top and tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says: "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
Lawyer and a Bucket of Manure
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
A: The bucket.
Blonde Coffee Break
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Ethel Jones, in room 302
A sweet old grandmother phoned the Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Ethel Jones, in room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record says that Ethel is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Lee, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Ethel your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Ethel Jones in room 302. No one tells me shit."
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Ethel Jones, in room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record says that Ethel is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Lee, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Ethel your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Ethel Jones in room 302. No one tells me shit."
Baked Bean Surprise
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He "putted", down one hill and "putted up" the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrriiiiippp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the "phone farewells" he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peaked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled "Surprise!!".
To his shock & terror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He "putted", down one hill and "putted up" the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrriiiiippp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the "phone farewells" he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peaked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled "Surprise!!".
To his shock & terror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Joanne Met Paul at a Nightclub
Joanne met Paul at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.
Paul noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.
After they had sex, Paul turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?" "Well," Joanne said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Paul noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.
After they had sex, Paul turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?" "Well," Joanne said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Dave and the Strip Club
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, sweetie?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, sweetie?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."
Hillary and Bill Clinton
Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A: She wants to be the first lady.
A: She wants to be the first lady.
W Tattoo
I've got the letter W tattooed on both my bum cheeks, it's not that interesting normally, but when I bend over when I'm naked: WOW!
Dead Donkey
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked: "What are you going to do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of £998.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two quid."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked: "What are you going to do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of £998.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two quid."
Woman and Condoms
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Pass the Dam Fish
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
Raining Cats and Dogs
Q: How do you know when it's raining cats and dogs?
A: When you step in a Poodle!
A: When you step in a Poodle!