There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates, then quickly replies. "Ummm.....they're making cakes!"
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the mother says, "How do you know that?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
Unfair Punushment
Sam: "Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Engineers Job Application
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple", said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, "I don't know".
You put down, "Neither do I".
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple", said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, "I don't know".
You put down, "Neither do I".
Plane Trouble
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!
Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper".
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!
Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper".
Two Elderly Gents at the Brothel
Two elderly gents decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "Could be worse I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "Could be worse I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
Pumping Gas
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up.
The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the First couple's gas tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?", he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the First couple leaves.
As they drive off, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him instead of me", he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill, shrugs and replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the First couple's gas tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?", he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the First couple leaves.
As they drive off, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him instead of me", he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill, shrugs and replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
Mary was in Sunday School
Mary was in Sunday School but she didn't get enough sleep so one day her Teacher thought she could get Mary's attention by asking her a question:
"Mary who is Jesus Christ's father?"
Mary didn't answer so her friend Jimmy poked her in the back with a pencil and Mary says:
"GOD!!!"
Mary falls back asleep and her teacher noticed and came back and asked her:
"Who is our Lord and Savior?"
Jimmy pokes her in the back again and Mary yells:
"Jesus Christ"
She falls back alseep and then the teacher comes back and asked:
"What did Eve say too Adam after the had their 23rd child?"
So yet again Jimmy pokes her in the back and Mary yells:
"IF YOU KEEP POKING ME IM GOING TOO BREAK IT IN HALF!!! "
"Mary who is Jesus Christ's father?"
Mary didn't answer so her friend Jimmy poked her in the back with a pencil and Mary says:
"GOD!!!"
Mary falls back asleep and her teacher noticed and came back and asked her:
"Who is our Lord and Savior?"
Jimmy pokes her in the back again and Mary yells:
"Jesus Christ"
She falls back alseep and then the teacher comes back and asked:
"What did Eve say too Adam after the had their 23rd child?"
So yet again Jimmy pokes her in the back and Mary yells:
"IF YOU KEEP POKING ME IM GOING TOO BREAK IT IN HALF!!! "
The Church Organist
Miss Broadhurst, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Broadhurst", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Broadhurst", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
A Lady Goes Into a Bar With Her Goose
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"
Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
Why Do Doctors Slap Babies Butts
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Holy Water
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
Every Job Is Important
The teacher in Johnny´s school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny´s turn, he stood up and said "My mom´s a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal´s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in
class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number..."
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny´s turn, he stood up and said "My mom´s a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal´s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in
class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number..."
A Dying Man Says To His Wife
A dying man said to his wife: Dear, our fourth son always looked different from the other three. Did he have a different father? Please tell me, I'm on my death bed and would just like to know the truth.
Wife: Yes.
Man: Who's the father?
Wife: You.
Wife: Yes.
Man: Who's the father?
Wife: You.
Two Homosexuals Go To The Carnival
Two Homosexuals decide to go to the carnival. One says to the other "Fancy coming for a ride on the chair-o-plane?"
"No", says the other, "I've had enough."
So the first man gets on the ride and starts to go around and around and around (you get the idea) and then a terrible accident happens. The ride spins out of control and the guy is thrown off the ride and lands in the next field. His friend quickly rushes over and asks, "Are you hurt?"
The injured man says, "Hurt, of course I'm bloody hurt. I went around on that thing a dozen times and you didn't wave once."
"No", says the other, "I've had enough."
So the first man gets on the ride and starts to go around and around and around (you get the idea) and then a terrible accident happens. The ride spins out of control and the guy is thrown off the ride and lands in the next field. His friend quickly rushes over and asks, "Are you hurt?"
The injured man says, "Hurt, of course I'm bloody hurt. I went around on that thing a dozen times and you didn't wave once."