The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
NASA Space Pen
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
The Russians used a pencil.
One night, after a long evening of drinking
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Q: What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
A: Lazy.
A: Lazy.
A man walked into a bar...
A man walked into a bar after just being dumped. The person serving at the time was a woman. She kept on giving him free drinks the whole night. When the bar had closed she went up to him and asked if he wanted to go upstairs for a quickie. He of course said yes and they went upstairs.
When they got there the women asked if he had any protection. He hadn't any and answered no. So she told him there was a chemist across the road and gave him £ 1.
When he got to the chemist there were a selection of condoms to choose from:
There was a tramp one for 50 p.
There was an apple flavoured one for £ 1.
And there was a metal one for £ 1.50.
As he only had one pound the man bought the apple flavoured one.
During the the night of fun the condom slipped and the lady got pregnant. The couple married and raised a son.
When he was 5 years old, he went up to his dad and cried: "Daddy why do I have green arms? This is not fair."
To this the dad replied: "I would count yourself lucky my son. If I would have had an extra 50 p you would have been Robo-Cop".
When they got there the women asked if he had any protection. He hadn't any and answered no. So she told him there was a chemist across the road and gave him £ 1.
When he got to the chemist there were a selection of condoms to choose from:
There was a tramp one for 50 p.
There was an apple flavoured one for £ 1.
And there was a metal one for £ 1.50.
As he only had one pound the man bought the apple flavoured one.
During the the night of fun the condom slipped and the lady got pregnant. The couple married and raised a son.
When he was 5 years old, he went up to his dad and cried: "Daddy why do I have green arms? This is not fair."
To this the dad replied: "I would count yourself lucky my son. If I would have had an extra 50 p you would have been Robo-Cop".
Why was the leper caught speeding?
Why was the leper caught speeding?
He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
The Pope Goes Fishing
The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away.
The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat.
The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"
The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat.
The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"
Making Cakes
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates, then quickly replies. "Ummm.....they're making cakes!"
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the mother says, "How do you know that?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the mother says, "How do you know that?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
Unfair Punushment
Sam: "Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Engineers Job Application
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple", said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, "I don't know".
You put down, "Neither do I".
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple", said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, "I don't know".
You put down, "Neither do I".
Plane Trouble
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!
Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper".
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!
Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper".
Two Elderly Gents at the Brothel
Two elderly gents decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "Could be worse I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "Could be worse I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
Pumping Gas
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up.
The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the First couple's gas tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?", he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the First couple leaves.
As they drive off, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him instead of me", he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill, shrugs and replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the First couple's gas tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?", he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the First couple leaves.
As they drive off, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him instead of me", he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill, shrugs and replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
Mary was in Sunday School
Mary was in Sunday School but she didn't get enough sleep so one day her Teacher thought she could get Mary's attention by asking her a question:
"Mary who is Jesus Christ's father?"
Mary didn't answer so her friend Jimmy poked her in the back with a pencil and Mary says:
"GOD!!!"
Mary falls back asleep and her teacher noticed and came back and asked her:
"Who is our Lord and Savior?"
Jimmy pokes her in the back again and Mary yells:
"Jesus Christ"
She falls back alseep and then the teacher comes back and asked:
"What did Eve say too Adam after the had their 23rd child?"
So yet again Jimmy pokes her in the back and Mary yells:
"IF YOU KEEP POKING ME IM GOING TOO BREAK IT IN HALF!!! "
"Mary who is Jesus Christ's father?"
Mary didn't answer so her friend Jimmy poked her in the back with a pencil and Mary says:
"GOD!!!"
Mary falls back asleep and her teacher noticed and came back and asked her:
"Who is our Lord and Savior?"
Jimmy pokes her in the back again and Mary yells:
"Jesus Christ"
She falls back alseep and then the teacher comes back and asked:
"What did Eve say too Adam after the had their 23rd child?"
So yet again Jimmy pokes her in the back and Mary yells:
"IF YOU KEEP POKING ME IM GOING TOO BREAK IT IN HALF!!! "
The Church Organist
Miss Broadhurst, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Broadhurst", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Broadhurst", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"