One Train Hears Another

How does a train hear another train coming?
With its engineers.

22 Friday The 13th Jokes

What's way worse than Friday the 13th?
Monday the whatever. Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday. What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th! Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it's Friday Thirteenth. What's the worst part about waking up to realize it's Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work. Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks. Why don't people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too. Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don't worry about it if you don't know, you'll find out. What's the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married. Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married. What's the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce. Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you'll at least expect it. What's the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world. Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it's the one day of the year where you won't be lucky. What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all. Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th. Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones. How do you know that it's Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you. Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it's not a Saturday. What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason. What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky. What's the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.

31 of the funniest jokes and best one-liners from comedians

Tim Vine Jokes and Oneliners: 1. “I'd like to start with the chimney jokes â€" I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
2. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper â€" dicing with death.”
3. “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He's trying to pull a fast one.'”
4. “This bloke said to me: ‘I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.' I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
5. “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”
6. “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.'”
7. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that's Abba-riginal.'”
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
10. “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?' I said ‘No, just a watch.'”
11. “Exit signs? They're on the way out!”
12. “Conjunctivitis.com â€" that's a site for sore eyes.”
13. “My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a catholic converter.”
Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners: 1. “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.”
2. “My wife â€" it's difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
3. “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”
4. “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday â€" I put on four stone!”
5. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”
6. “The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.”
7. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”
Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners: 1. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
2. “I told the Inland Revenue I don't owe them a penny. I live by the seashore.” Miscellaneous Authors: 1. "The best time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." - Demetri Martin
2. "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time." - Tom Ward
3. "My New Year's resolution is to get in shape. I choose round." - Sarah Millican
4. "Hedgehogs â€" why can't they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
5. "Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door." - Bill Bailey
6. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any." - Tommy Cooper
7. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen
8. "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay
9. "Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.' The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.'" - Harry Hill

29 Halloween Jokes to make you laugh hard

Halloween Q/A Jokes 1. Q: Why don't skeletons like Halloween candy?
A: They don't have the stomach for it.
2. Q: Where do spiders do their Halloween shopping?
A: On the web.
3. Q: Who's in charge of the candy corn?
A: The kernel.
4. Q: Why didn't anyone want to go trick or treating with Dracula?
A: Because he's a pain in the neck!
5. Q: What do birds give to trick or treaters?
A: Tweets.
6. Q: What do witches put on to go trick or treating?
A: Mas-scare-a.
7. Q: What did one piece of hard candy say to the other after it helped it escape from being eaten?
A: “Thanks! You're a real lifesaver.”
8. Q: What type of plants like Halloween the most?
A: Bam-Boo
9. Q: Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
10. Q: What did the skeleton bring to the dinner party?
A: Spare-ribs.
Get more of holiday fun ideas at our

At The Supermarket

On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I'll write a check.”

Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

World Cotton Day Jokes

On 7th October it's World Cotton Day! Let's have some cotton-themed humor: I'm allergic to cotton
I would take medicine for it, but I can't get it out of the bottle I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist
They said it wasn't fair My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...
...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point." "Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj" Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."#worldcottonday

World Cotton Day Jokes

On 7th October it's World Cotton Day! Let's have some cotton-themed humor: I'm allergic to cotton
I would take medicine for it, but I can't get it out of the bottle I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist
They said it wasn't fair My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...
...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point." "Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj" Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."#worldcottonday

15 Funny Dog Jokes

Q: Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
A: They've got 2 left feet!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make ends meet.

Q: What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his dog biscuits?
A: “Ahh, that really hit the spots.“

Q: What happened to the dog who went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: When a dog has a fever, what's the best thing to feed him?
A: Mustardâ€"it's the best thing for hot dogs.

Q: What do dogs do after they complete obedience school?
A: They get their masters.

Q: Why couldn't the dog get the apple?
A: He was barking up the wrong tree!

Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!

Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering!

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and a tree?
A: By their bark!

A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today. Police are looking for leads.

Beware of dog? A woman walks into a shop and sees a cute dog by the counter. She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?” The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.” The woman pets the dog, who barks and nips her. “Ouch!” she shouts. “I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!” The shopkeeper replies, “I did! That's not my dog!”

Q: Are dogs good at science?
A: Well, Labs are!

Q: Why do dogs float?
A: Because they're good buoys!

Q: Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
A: He knew how to paws for dramatic effect!

Few classic Dad Jokes, and few very fresh

What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast. I tell dad jokes all the time even though I'm not actually a dad
I'm a faux pa. I changed all my passwords to 'Kenny'
Now I have all Kenny Loggins What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?
Put it on my bill. I dreamt last night that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted. A friend had a new baby girl. Her coworker asked: “What's her name?”
My friend replied: "Melanie Noelle."
Her coworker: "How do you spell it, then?" I spent all my money collecting every bird species in my zoo, except one. My wife hates it.
But I have no egrets.

What My Doctor Told Me

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said "less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.

Short Jokes, Long Laughs

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition. 19 and 20 had a fight...
21...
19 was injured, 22. A young boy asked his father if he could try coffee
The dad said “sure son! Have a sip.”
The boy took a sip and immediately spit it out. “Yuck!” he said, “this tastes like dirt!”
“We'll of course it does, son. It was ground this morning!” I hate it when you're on the toilet and you notice there is no toilet paper left. Then you have to walk with your trousers round your ankles to get another roll… Anyway, I'm nearly at the Walmart now!

Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Can't Hold Your Bladder!

Q: What's the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine?
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it's not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth! Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine! Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis. Q: What is a woman's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand! A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you.”
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It's me talking to the wine. A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest's breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He's done it again! Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don't know, maybe 20 minutes? Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald's. Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What's your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.

World Older Persons Day Jokes

On 1st October we recognize the International Day of Older Persons! Here are some jokes to mark the occasion:An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her.
"So," he says, "Do I come here often?"What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together.
They lived to a ripe old age.What's the best part of old age?
That it doesn't last very long.These are not gray hairs! They are
wisdom highlights.Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.Old age makes us great multitaskers.
I can sneeze and pee at the same time!What's the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends …
because they can't remember them!Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind getting older, then it really doesn't matter.Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.Now that I've gotten older, everything's finally starting to click for me.
My knees, my back, my neck …I've decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.I called the incontinence hotline recently.
They asked if I could hold.Of all your children, the only one who won't grow up and move away is
your husband.#internationaldayofolderpersons

World Translation Day Jokes

On 30th September we celebrate World Translation Day! Find jokes about it below:What do you call a translator who is always on time?A punctual linguist.A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive.
However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room retorted, “Yeah, right.”Two translators on a ship are talking.“Can you swim?” asks one.“No” says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages.”#worldtranslationday