An American in Ireland goes to a local pub. After having a pint, he decides to have a little fun. “I'll pay 500 dollars to whomever drinks 10 pints of Guinness in 5 minutesâ€, he says. Nobody takes him up on his offer but one guy quickly runs out of the pub. 5 minutes later he comes back, says “I'll do itâ€, and then proceeds downing 10 pints in 5 minutes. Impressed, the American pays him the money, and asks “Where did you go right after I made the offer?†The guy says: “Oh, I just ran to the pub next door to see if I could actually do it.â€
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Unclear Question
My house had been burglarized and the police were taking a report.
The policeman asked me, "Have you lived here all your life?"
I replied, "Hopefully, not yet!"
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The policeman asked me, "Have you lived here all your life?"
I replied, "Hopefully, not yet!"
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My Old Kentucky Home
An older man at the evening function bowed his head and wept quietly but copiously while while a young woman rendered the plaintive ballad, "My Old Kentucky Home."
The hostess tiptoed up to him and inquired tenderly, "Pardon me, are you a Kentuckian?"
"Nay, madam," the tearful one replied, "I'm a musician."
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The hostess tiptoed up to him and inquired tenderly, "Pardon me, are you a Kentuckian?"
"Nay, madam," the tearful one replied, "I'm a musician."
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Here is a joke that my 8 year old twins found very funny...
Here is a joke that my 8 year old twins found very funny when I told them: A man enters a craft chocolates shop and asks if they could make a chocolate model car for him. “Sure, no problem†“And can it look like the VW Beetle that my dad had?†“Nice idea, no problem at all.†“And can you make it so that the chocolate doors open and you can see the interior detailed in chocolate, like with a plastic model car? Same with the bonnet and trunk?†“that will require some planning, but I think i can manage.†“And i would like the wheels to roll, and if i turn the steering wheel then the wheels should turn as well?†“Mmmh that is fiendishly difficult in chocolate, I will need to carefully plan and experiment…†“And finally, can you make it so that the chocolate windows can move up and down when you turn the handles?†“Man this is insanely difficult. But give me 3 weeks and i'll try my best.†Three weeks later the man returns and indeed there is a lovely chocolate VW Beetle model on display. The chocolatier proudly shows it in all its glorious details: interior, wheels, steering wheel, windows, everything works perfect, and after the demo he asks, “shall I put it in a nice gift box?†“No need, I will just eat it here.â€
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#joke
A man is at the airport counter checking in his luggage...
A man is at the airport counter checking in his luggage. The man said to the agent, "I'm flying to Los Angeles but I would like this bag to go to Portland, this one to Albuquerque, and this one to Sioux Falls." The agent looked suitably shocked and said, "Sir, there is no way we can do that." "Why not?", replied the man, "You did it last time".
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A Vegan and A Programmer
What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.
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One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.
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Going to Market
Two elderly gentlemen in their mid-80s meet in the lobby of their apartment building. Both being hard of hearing, one asked the other in a louder voice, "Are you going to the market?"
The other one replies, "No, no. I am going to the market."
The first gentleman says, "Oh, I thought you were going to the market."
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The other one replies, "No, no. I am going to the market."
The first gentleman says, "Oh, I thought you were going to the market."
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Quick Friday laugh - two short IT jokes
Me: You know, since it doesn't have a tail, I'm pretty sure it is actually a hamster.
Tech support: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster... It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died.
Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.
Tech support: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster... It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died.
Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.
Quick Friday laugh - two short IT jokes
Me: You know, since it doesn't have a tail, I'm pretty sure it is actually a hamster.
Tech support: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster... It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died.
Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.
Tech support: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster... It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died.
Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.
A colonel is standing by a vending machine
A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?" "Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private. "DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!" "SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention. "That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?" "SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.
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A colonel is standing by a vending machine
A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?" "Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private. "DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!" "SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention. "That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?" "SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.
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A colonel is standing by a vending machine
A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?" "Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private. "DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!" "SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention. "That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?" "SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.
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A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game...
A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.' The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $1000' The blonde agreed. The lawyer asked the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer. Then she asked the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And went back to sleep The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc, all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked 'Well, so what is the answer?' Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.
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