A white haired old man went into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman and told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
The jeweller then went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." When asked how payment would be made the old guy said he would pay by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon" he said.
Monday morning, a very upset jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "But just imagine the weekend I had."
Bulls only screw the cows once a year
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
Fly By Pigeon Crap
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
Helga goes downtown
Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
'Gootness, iss hot,' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, 'Vy nought?' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
'Bartender,' she said. 'I vill have unt cold beer, please.'
The bartender asked, 'Anheuser Busch?'
'Vell, fine, tanks,' she said, 'Just unt leetle svetty.'
'Gootness, iss hot,' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, 'Vy nought?' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
'Bartender,' she said. 'I vill have unt cold beer, please.'
The bartender asked, 'Anheuser Busch?'
'Vell, fine, tanks,' she said, 'Just unt leetle svetty.'
90 Year old Masturbater
Q: What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip!
A: Miracle Whip!
Man caught in Office with Secretary
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
With 2000 pounds of dynamite
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
Man, desert, fruit and sex with a donkey
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, 'I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have.'
'Anything?' he says, getting fairly excited.
'Yes, anything.' she replies.
So he says, 'Will you hold that fucking donkey!?'
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, 'I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have.'
'Anything?' he says, getting fairly excited.
'Yes, anything.' she replies.
So he says, 'Will you hold that fucking donkey!?'
God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Why was the blonde delighted?
Q: Why was the blonde delighted when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in 11 months?
A: Because the box said "2 to 4 years".
A: Because the box said "2 to 4 years".
Little Johnny - Let Me Suck It
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?".
"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?".
"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
Pet Shop Parrot Joke
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
Elderly Couple on a Plane
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me...
Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like fifteen minutes," the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was, when he finished his sentence with two words that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
"... under water!"
Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like fifteen minutes," the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was, when he finished his sentence with two words that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
"... under water!"