I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me...
I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities My son asked if I was named after my dad.
I said, "of course I was, he was born many years before me." When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit covered in bee stings and smelling like honey...
You know she's a keeper. People always ask where is Bigfoot? But never ask How is Bigfoot?
Yeti never complains A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances
cuz there's too much sax and violins. My friend asked me if I had ever tried blindfolded archery. I replied that I hadn't.
He said, "It's great. You don't know what you're missing!
5 short jokes to prepare for Friday
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 8lbs 4oz Exactly four weeks ago, I entered into an intensive program to cut down my excessive body fat.
Remarkably, I've now reached my goal of losing 50% of my weight,
and they're transferring me to a new facility!
It's a half weigh house. How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories. Bros don't let other bros walk around with an open fly.
It's called the zip code. If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a bus
It's a girl and weighs 8lbs 4oz Exactly four weeks ago, I entered into an intensive program to cut down my excessive body fat.
Remarkably, I've now reached my goal of losing 50% of my weight,
and they're transferring me to a new facility!
It's a half weigh house. How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories. Bros don't let other bros walk around with an open fly.
It's called the zip code. If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a bus
Plane lost both engines
A plane is flying over the Mediterranean.
A pilots voice comes on And says a terrible thing has happened.
We've lost both engines and we're gonna have to land in the Mediterranean.
The plane will stay afloat for a very short time.
And we'll be able to open the door just long enough that everyone can get out.
We have to do this in an orderly fashion.
Everyone that can swim just go to the right wing and stand there.
Everyone who can't swim just go to the left wing and just stand there.
Those of you on the right wing you'll find a little island it's in the direction of the Sun about two miles off, and as the plane goes under just swim in an orderly fashion out and you'll be fine.
And for those of you on the left wing…
I want to thank you for flying Air Italia.
A pilots voice comes on And says a terrible thing has happened.
We've lost both engines and we're gonna have to land in the Mediterranean.
The plane will stay afloat for a very short time.
And we'll be able to open the door just long enough that everyone can get out.
We have to do this in an orderly fashion.
Everyone that can swim just go to the right wing and stand there.
Everyone who can't swim just go to the left wing and just stand there.
Those of you on the right wing you'll find a little island it's in the direction of the Sun about two miles off, and as the plane goes under just swim in an orderly fashion out and you'll be fine.
And for those of you on the left wing…
I want to thank you for flying Air Italia.
Have some fun with 'addicted' jokes
I'm addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp. My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation. I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down! I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now. I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild. Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me. A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting. They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave. I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road. m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low? I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously. Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
I must seek kelp. My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation. I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down! I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now. I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild. Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me. A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting. They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave. I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road. m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low? I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously. Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
8 short jokes for good start of the week
We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the ...
Minneapolis? I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers ...
The Times are rough Sink or swim?
Sod it, I'm going in the pool. The dishes can wait! My friend asked me to name two things that hold water.
"Well, Dam." I think it is a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit
But that's just my two scents So this kid comes home from school in panic and says Dad, they are all picking on me…are we pyromaniacs?
The dad looks down sadly and says. We arson. 4 asked 5 out but got rejected ...
Cause it was 2 squared. My wife told me to stop counting.
But I didn't one two.
Minneapolis? I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers ...
The Times are rough Sink or swim?
Sod it, I'm going in the pool. The dishes can wait! My friend asked me to name two things that hold water.
"Well, Dam." I think it is a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit
But that's just my two scents So this kid comes home from school in panic and says Dad, they are all picking on me…are we pyromaniacs?
The dad looks down sadly and says. We arson. 4 asked 5 out but got rejected ...
Cause it was 2 squared. My wife told me to stop counting.
But I didn't one two.
Politician's Sandwich
On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.
He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.
"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.
"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
5 short jokes for great Friday
I hired a lawyer to sue the airlines for mishandling my luggage.
He lost the case. Vegetarians think eating animals is immoral
But eating mushrooms is morel How do you make an eggroll?
You push it! What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day How do eggs run so fast?
They're afraid of being beaten
He lost the case. Vegetarians think eating animals is immoral
But eating mushrooms is morel How do you make an eggroll?
You push it! What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day How do eggs run so fast?
They're afraid of being beaten
5 short jokes for great Friday
I hired a lawyer to sue the airlines for mishandling my luggage.
He lost the case. Vegetarians think eating animals is immoral
But eating mushrooms is morel How do you make an eggroll?
You push it! What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day How do eggs run so fast?
They're afraid of being beaten
He lost the case. Vegetarians think eating animals is immoral
But eating mushrooms is morel How do you make an eggroll?
You push it! What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day How do eggs run so fast?
They're afraid of being beaten
Chihuahua at the vets
A man brings his Chihuahua to the vet.
They're immediately taken to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in sniffs the Chihuahua, and leaves.
Then a cat comes in, stares at the dog, and leaves.
Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine, and hands the man a $250 bill.
"This must be a mistake," the man says.
"I've only been here 20 minutes!"
"No mistake," the doctor says.
"It's $100 for the Lab test,
$100 for the cat scan,
and $50 for the medicine."
They're immediately taken to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in sniffs the Chihuahua, and leaves.
Then a cat comes in, stares at the dog, and leaves.
Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine, and hands the man a $250 bill.
"This must be a mistake," the man says.
"I've only been here 20 minutes!"
"No mistake," the doctor says.
"It's $100 for the Lab test,
$100 for the cat scan,
and $50 for the medicine."
5 great jokes in the middle of the week
Why is giving birth called delivery
…instead of take-out? A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?" My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage. I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it. I asked my wife why she chose to marry me.
She said , "Because you are funny"
I said , "I thought it was because I was skilled in the bed"
To which she responded, "See? You're hilarious!"
…instead of take-out? A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?" My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage. I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it. I asked my wife why she chose to marry me.
She said , "Because you are funny"
I said , "I thought it was because I was skilled in the bed"
To which she responded, "See? You're hilarious!"
7 short jokes to make Friday even better
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now!
"You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now!
7 short jokes to make Friday even better
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now!
"You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now!
7 short jokes to make Friday even better
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now!
"You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now!
7 short jokes to make Friday even better
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now!
"You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now!
7 short jokes to make Friday even better
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now!
"You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now!