Me: You know, since it doesn't have a tail, I'm pretty sure it is actually a hamster.
Tech support: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster... It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died.
Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.
A colonel is standing by a vending machine
A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?" "Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private. "DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!" "SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention. "That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?" "SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.
#joke
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#joke
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A colonel is standing by a vending machine
A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?" "Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private. "DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!" "SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention. "That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?" "SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.
#joke
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#joke
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A colonel is standing by a vending machine
A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?" "Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private. "DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!" "SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention. "That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?" "SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.
#joke
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#joke
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A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game...
A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.' The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $1000' The blonde agreed. The lawyer asked the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer. Then she asked the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And went back to sleep The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc, all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked 'Well, so what is the answer?' Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.
#joke
#joke
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when ...
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."
#joke
#joke
Frank Sinatra
A guy walked into the restroom at a restaurant in LA, and realized that the guy at the sink washing his hands was Frank Sinatra. He greeted Frank, and told him he was a huge fan. Frank smiled and thanked him. Then he told Frank he was with a date and wanted to impress her. Telling Frank his name was Bob, he asked Frank if he could come and greet him by name at his table. "No problem" said Frank and he went back to his table. About ten minutes later Frank walked up to the table and said, "Hey Bob, long time no see." Without looking up, Bob said, "Fuck off Frankie, can't you see I'm busy?"
#joke
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#joke
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Do It When You Can
If you want to change the world, do it when you are single!
Once you' re married, you can't even change the TV channel.
#joke
Once you' re married, you can't even change the TV channel.
#joke
That wife of mine is a liar
That wife of mine is a liar said the angry husband to a sympathetic palseated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'dbeen, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
#joke
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#joke
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A man walks into a bar and says - 4 drinks please
The Bartender asks "Rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my brother is gay", the Bartender says "Well everyone has their own path". The next day the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender asks "Another rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my oldest son is gay", the Bartender says "Well that's his choice". On the third day, the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender says "My god, another rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my youngest son is gay", the Bartender says "It's totally up to him who he's attracted to". The fourth day comes around, and the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender asks "Doesn't anyone in your family like Women?", the man replies "Yeah, my Wife does."
#joke #walksintoabar
#joke #walksintoabar
How Do I Get It To Slow Down
To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his horse took off.
"How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled.
"Bet on it!" I hollered back.
#joke
"How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled.
"Bet on it!" I hollered back.
#joke
Where I Come From
"Those are fighting words where I come from!"
"Well, then why don't you fight?!?!"
"Cause I ain't where I come from!"
#joke
"Well, then why don't you fight?!?!"
"Cause I ain't where I come from!"
#joke
Wifi Password
Johnny's Father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It's taped under the modem,†I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?
T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M
#joke
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?
T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M
#joke
Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day
August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn't stop telling dad jokes.
That's not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That's a stand-up chameleon I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales. What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles What is a reptile's favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz What's a lizard's favorite sport?
Cricket. What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don't worry, you'll blend right in!†Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded. What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard. A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
That's not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That's a stand-up chameleon I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales. What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles What is a reptile's favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz What's a lizard's favorite sport?
Cricket. What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don't worry, you'll blend right in!†Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded. What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard. A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day
August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn't stop telling dad jokes.
That's not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That's a stand-up chameleon I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales. What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles What is a reptile's favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz What's a lizard's favorite sport?
Cricket. What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don't worry, you'll blend right in!†Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded. What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard. A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
That's not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That's a stand-up chameleon I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales. What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles What is a reptile's favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz What's a lizard's favorite sport?
Cricket. What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don't worry, you'll blend right in!†Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded. What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard. A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day
August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn't stop telling dad jokes.
That's not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That's a stand-up chameleon I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales. What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles What is a reptile's favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz What's a lizard's favorite sport?
Cricket. What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don't worry, you'll blend right in!†Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded. What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard. A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
That's not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That's a stand-up chameleon I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales. What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles What is a reptile's favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz What's a lizard's favorite sport?
Cricket. What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don't worry, you'll blend right in!†Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded. What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard. A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
Why the Big Pause?
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and...(pause)...... cola."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them."
#joke
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them."
#joke
Do You Take Children
The father of three called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room. The clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.
"Do you take children?" the father asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "We only take cash and credit cards."
#joke
"Do you take children?" the father asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "We only take cash and credit cards."
#joke
18 Lion Jokes, to Celebrate World Lion Day
Roaring with Laughter: 18 Lion Jokes to Celebrate World Lion Day on August 10th and Raise Awareness for Their Conservation My grandfather has the heart of a lion,
And also a lifetime ban at the zoo. What's the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A lion won't golf.
But a Tiger wood. What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was gladiator. Why don't lions like fast food?
Because they can't catch it! How does a lion stop a video?
He presses paws. How does a lion greet the antelope it meets on the savannah?
“Pleased to eat you!†Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal! What happened to the lion who ate the comedian?
He felt funny! Why don't lions play cards in the wild?
Because of all the cheetahs! What do you call a slow and clumsy lion?
A snailion. What do you call a lion powered by a battery?
A Li-on. What does a lion call his barber?
His mane man. What do you call a lion that has eaten your mother's sister?
An aunt-eater! What do you call a lion at the North Pole?
Lost. What does the lion say to his family before they eat a meal?
“Let us prey.†Why was the lion always invited to the party?
Because he was a real mane attraction! What do you call a lion that doesn't lie?
A not-lion. What do Christian lions say before they go hunting?
Pray for your supper. What do you get when you cross a lion with a snowman?
A cold snap. What lion will never roar?
A dandelion...
And also a lifetime ban at the zoo. What's the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A lion won't golf.
But a Tiger wood. What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was gladiator. Why don't lions like fast food?
Because they can't catch it! How does a lion stop a video?
He presses paws. How does a lion greet the antelope it meets on the savannah?
“Pleased to eat you!†Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal! What happened to the lion who ate the comedian?
He felt funny! Why don't lions play cards in the wild?
Because of all the cheetahs! What do you call a slow and clumsy lion?
A snailion. What do you call a lion powered by a battery?
A Li-on. What does a lion call his barber?
His mane man. What do you call a lion that has eaten your mother's sister?
An aunt-eater! What do you call a lion at the North Pole?
Lost. What does the lion say to his family before they eat a meal?
“Let us prey.†Why was the lion always invited to the party?
Because he was a real mane attraction! What do you call a lion that doesn't lie?
A not-lion. What do Christian lions say before they go hunting?
Pray for your supper. What do you get when you cross a lion with a snowman?
A cold snap. What lion will never roar?
A dandelion...