A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.
He can't find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma'am may I use your seat?â€.
The British lady responded with “can't you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.†.
The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks back up to the lady and says “please, ma'am, may I have your seat. I am very tired.†.
The woman says “how inconsiderate of you to ask me again†the man then calmly walks up and throws the dog out of the train window and sits dow. The woman starts screaming and demanding that the man be punished
, her husband walks up and says “you Americans are doing everything wrong
you drive on the wrong side of the road
you use the wrong utensils to eat,
and now
you've thrown the wrong bit** out of the window.â€
Birthday Bonus
I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.
I knew right away who sent it...
It was my Uncle Ben.
I knew right away who sent it...
It was my Uncle Ben.
Birthday Bonus
I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.
I knew right away who sent it...
It was my Uncle Ben.
I knew right away who sent it...
It was my Uncle Ben.
Birthday Bonus
I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.
I knew right away who sent it...
It was my Uncle Ben.
I knew right away who sent it...
It was my Uncle Ben.
Hiring a new assistant
A business was hiring a new assistant. They put out ads everywhere. A couple of days later, a surprise visitor appeared at their office: a dog, holding a newspaper. The dog pointed to the hiring ad with his paw. The manager, though intrigued, was skeptical and decided to challenge the dog:
" I need a someone who can use a computer."
Without hesitation, the dog hopped onto a desk, powered up the computer, and even printed a document.
Impressed, the manager continued, "Okay, but can you work with spreadsheets?"
The dog promptly opened up Excel, swiftly inputting data and generating graphs.
Nearly speechless, the manager had one last test: "All that's impressive, but can you speak another language?"
The dog replied:"Meow"
" I need a someone who can use a computer."
Without hesitation, the dog hopped onto a desk, powered up the computer, and even printed a document.
Impressed, the manager continued, "Okay, but can you work with spreadsheets?"
The dog promptly opened up Excel, swiftly inputting data and generating graphs.
Nearly speechless, the manager had one last test: "All that's impressive, but can you speak another language?"
The dog replied:"Meow"
A few short jokes for a mid-week laugh
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0Mg "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun. Dude 1: “Hey bro?â€
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?â€
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?â€
Dude 2: “Brochureâ€
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath... He tried in vain to attract attention,
but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me"
everyone cheered What starts with a Y and ends with an X?
Dyslexia
Me: 0Mg "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun. Dude 1: “Hey bro?â€
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?â€
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?â€
Dude 2: “Brochureâ€
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath... He tried in vain to attract attention,
but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me"
everyone cheered What starts with a Y and ends with an X?
Dyslexia
United Nations Day jokes
October 24 is celebrated as United Nations Day, marking the establishment of this esteemed organization. Here are some jokes to help you spread awareness. A teenager went to United Nations for help...
The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"
He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me." The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.
I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair. 'Knock knock'
'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. ' Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving?
It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China. I always tell people I work for the United Nations.
It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed. The United Nations world-wide survey joke United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.
In Africa, families were confused about what "food" was.
Eastern Europeans watching state TV didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
People watching in China didn't know what an "opinion" was.
In the wartorn areas of Afghanistan and the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
People in South America didn't know what "please" meant.
People in Russia reading the survey knew what "share" meant.
Finally, Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"
He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me." The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.
I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair. 'Knock knock'
'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. ' Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving?
It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China. I always tell people I work for the United Nations.
It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed. The United Nations world-wide survey joke United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.
In Africa, families were confused about what "food" was.
Eastern Europeans watching state TV didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
People watching in China didn't know what an "opinion" was.
In the wartorn areas of Afghanistan and the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
People in South America didn't know what "please" meant.
People in Russia reading the survey knew what "share" meant.
Finally, Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable
Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…
My whole life has become a joke! I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink. I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities. I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious. I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank." A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee. I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!
My whole life has become a joke! I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink. I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities. I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious. I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank." A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee. I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!
25 jokes that blend well with coffee
A customer walks into a coffee shop. She asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?â€
The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.â€
The customer responds, “Thanks. I'll have a refill.†Don't ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren't real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life. Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror. Q: What's it called when you steal someone's coffee?
A: A mugging! Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time. Q: What did the coffee addict name her cats?
A: Cream and Sugar. Q: What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
A: Better latte than never! Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A: A depresso Q: What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
A: Their friendship came to a bitter end. Q: How are coffee beans like teenagers?
A: They are always getting grounded. Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you're sure you've been to before?
A: Déjà brew. Thanks a latte for me being my friend You mocha me very happy. You're brew-ti-ful. A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under her arm. At the counter she says, “I'll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.†There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars. If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ….You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you feel in the morning. She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind. I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind. A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee. Coffee and I are the perfect blend. If the coffee is decaf, we're gonna have a latte problems. A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!â€
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Susan?†Procaffeinating (n). â€" the tendency to not start anything until you've had your coffee. I like my men like I like my coffee…Tall, dark and rich
The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.â€
The customer responds, “Thanks. I'll have a refill.†Don't ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren't real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life. Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror. Q: What's it called when you steal someone's coffee?
A: A mugging! Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time. Q: What did the coffee addict name her cats?
A: Cream and Sugar. Q: What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
A: Better latte than never! Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A: A depresso Q: What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
A: Their friendship came to a bitter end. Q: How are coffee beans like teenagers?
A: They are always getting grounded. Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you're sure you've been to before?
A: Déjà brew. Thanks a latte for me being my friend You mocha me very happy. You're brew-ti-ful. A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under her arm. At the counter she says, “I'll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.†There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars. If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ….You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you feel in the morning. She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind. I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind. A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee. Coffee and I are the perfect blend. If the coffee is decaf, we're gonna have a latte problems. A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!â€
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Susan?†Procaffeinating (n). â€" the tendency to not start anything until you've had your coffee. I like my men like I like my coffee…Tall, dark and rich
7 jokes to start your day and exercise abs with laughter
I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"
I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!" My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I'll never buy sharp cheddar again Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash Which superhero can't you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal. I'm an electrician Most people are really shocked
when they learn I'm not that great at it
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"
I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!" My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I'll never buy sharp cheddar again Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash Which superhero can't you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal. I'm an electrician Most people are really shocked
when they learn I'm not that great at it
53 classic hilarious short jokes
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. I've decided to sell my Hoover â€"
it was just collecting dust. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!†I said “Don't mention it.†Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?'
Because every play has a cast. I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves! My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?â€
I said: “No it doesn't!†Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don't serve your type!†shouts the barman. I'm addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What's the word on the street?†How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?†I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it's terrible. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder. This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40â€. Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma'?
There's no menu, you only get what you deserve. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.†How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.â€
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You're drunk.†Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side. What's E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs. Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He's never gonna give you Up. My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me. What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business! There's no “I†in Denial. Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly. A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!â€
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I'm not following you.†Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line. I used to be addicted to soap, but
I'm clean now. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
Then it dawned on me. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. I've decided to sell my Hoover â€"
it was just collecting dust. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!†I said “Don't mention it.†Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?'
Because every play has a cast. I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves! My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?â€
I said: “No it doesn't!†Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don't serve your type!†shouts the barman. I'm addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What's the word on the street?†How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?†I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it's terrible. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder. This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40â€. Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma'?
There's no menu, you only get what you deserve. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.†How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.â€
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You're drunk.†Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side. What's E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs. Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He's never gonna give you Up. My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me. What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business! There's no “I†in Denial. Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly. A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!â€
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I'm not following you.†Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line. I used to be addicted to soap, but
I'm clean now. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
Sleeves on fire
I recently found myself in what could be considered one of the most foolish situations of my life. I went out to light my cigarette, It was a cold Fall day, so I was wearing one of my worn-out hoodies. As I attempted to light the cigarette using a torch lighter, I caught the hoodie's sleeve on fire. Initially, I didn't realize what had happened, but when I noticed the flames spreading, panic set in. My instinctive reaction was to try and extinguish the fire by using my other hand. Which, unfortunately, led to the second sleeve catching fire as well. At this point, I found myself with both sleeves ablaze and the fire starting to spread. While there may have been several rational solutions, I was too lost in the moment to consider them. The thought of removing the hoodie crossed my mind, but with both my arms in flames, it seemed impossible. So, I opted for a rather foolish tactic of flailing around desperately in an attempt to put out the fire, which only just made it worse. In a panic, I rushed into the nearest building for assistance, which happened to be the bank where I had recently deposited some funds. I entered, hoping to find help, but before I could say a word, security guards forcefully tackled me to the ground and threw me out of the building. Because you can't bring firearms into a bank. Credit: FireWater107 reddit user, from Dad Jokes subreddit
22 Friday The 13th Jokes
What's way worse than Friday the 13th?
Monday the whatever. Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday. What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th! Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it's Friday Thirteenth. What's the worst part about waking up to realize it's Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work. Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks. Why don't people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too. Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don't worry about it if you don't know, you'll find out. What's the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married. Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married. What's the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce. Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you'll at least expect it. What's the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world. Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it's the one day of the year where you won't be lucky. What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all. Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th. Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones. How do you know that it's Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you. Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it's not a Saturday. What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason. What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky. What's the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.
Monday the whatever. Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday. What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th! Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it's Friday Thirteenth. What's the worst part about waking up to realize it's Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work. Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks. Why don't people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too. Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don't worry about it if you don't know, you'll find out. What's the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married. Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married. What's the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce. Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you'll at least expect it. What's the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world. Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it's the one day of the year where you won't be lucky. What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all. Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th. Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones. How do you know that it's Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you. Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it's not a Saturday. What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason. What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky. What's the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.
31 of the funniest jokes and best one-liners from comedians
Tim Vine Jokes and Oneliners: 1. “I'd like to start with the chimney jokes â€" I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.â€
2. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper â€" dicing with death.â€
3. “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He's trying to pull a fast one.'â€
4. “This bloke said to me: ‘I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.' I said: ‘Is that a fret?'â€
5. “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'â€
6. “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.'â€
7. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.â€
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that's Abba-riginal.'â€
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.â€
10. “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?' I said ‘No, just a watch.'â€
11. “Exit signs? They're on the way out!â€
12. “Conjunctivitis.com â€" that's a site for sore eyes.â€
13. “My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a catholic converter.â€
Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners: 1. “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.â€
2. “My wife â€" it's difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.â€
3. “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…â€
4. “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday â€" I put on four stone!â€
5. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.â€
6. “The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.â€
7. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.â€
Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners: 1. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.â€
2. “I told the Inland Revenue I don't owe them a penny. I live by the seashore.†Miscellaneous Authors: 1. "The best time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." - Demetri Martin
2. "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time." - Tom Ward
3. "My New Year's resolution is to get in shape. I choose round." - Sarah Millican
4. "Hedgehogs â€" why can't they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
5. "Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door." - Bill Bailey
6. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any." - Tommy Cooper
7. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen
8. "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay
9. "Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.' The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.'" - Harry Hill
2. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper â€" dicing with death.â€
3. “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He's trying to pull a fast one.'â€
4. “This bloke said to me: ‘I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.' I said: ‘Is that a fret?'â€
5. “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'â€
6. “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.'â€
7. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.â€
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that's Abba-riginal.'â€
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.â€
10. “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?' I said ‘No, just a watch.'â€
11. “Exit signs? They're on the way out!â€
12. “Conjunctivitis.com â€" that's a site for sore eyes.â€
13. “My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a catholic converter.â€
Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners: 1. “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.â€
2. “My wife â€" it's difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.â€
3. “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…â€
4. “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday â€" I put on four stone!â€
5. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.â€
6. “The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.â€
7. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.â€
Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners: 1. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.â€
2. “I told the Inland Revenue I don't owe them a penny. I live by the seashore.†Miscellaneous Authors: 1. "The best time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." - Demetri Martin
2. "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time." - Tom Ward
3. "My New Year's resolution is to get in shape. I choose round." - Sarah Millican
4. "Hedgehogs â€" why can't they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
5. "Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door." - Bill Bailey
6. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any." - Tommy Cooper
7. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen
8. "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay
9. "Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.' The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.'" - Harry Hill
29 Halloween Jokes to make you laugh hard
Halloween Q/A Jokes 1. Q: Why don't skeletons like Halloween candy?
A: They don't have the stomach for it.
2. Q: Where do spiders do their Halloween shopping?
A: On the web.
3. Q: Who's in charge of the candy corn?
A: The kernel.
4. Q: Why didn't anyone want to go trick or treating with Dracula?
A: Because he's a pain in the neck!
5. Q: What do birds give to trick or treaters?
A: Tweets.
6. Q: What do witches put on to go trick or treating?
A: Mas-scare-a.
7. Q: What did one piece of hard candy say to the other after it helped it escape from being eaten?
A: “Thanks! You're a real lifesaver.â€
8. Q: What type of plants like Halloween the most?
A: Bam-Boo
9. Q: Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
10. Q: What did the skeleton bring to the dinner party?
A: Spare-ribs.
Get more of holiday fun ideas at our
A: They don't have the stomach for it.
2. Q: Where do spiders do their Halloween shopping?
A: On the web.
3. Q: Who's in charge of the candy corn?
A: The kernel.
4. Q: Why didn't anyone want to go trick or treating with Dracula?
A: Because he's a pain in the neck!
5. Q: What do birds give to trick or treaters?
A: Tweets.
6. Q: What do witches put on to go trick or treating?
A: Mas-scare-a.
7. Q: What did one piece of hard candy say to the other after it helped it escape from being eaten?
A: “Thanks! You're a real lifesaver.â€
8. Q: What type of plants like Halloween the most?
A: Bam-Boo
9. Q: Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
10. Q: What did the skeleton bring to the dinner party?
A: Spare-ribs.
Get more of holiday fun ideas at our
At The Supermarket
On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I'll write a check.â€
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I'll write a check.â€
Skinny Dippers
Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
World Cotton Day Jokes
On 7th October it's World Cotton Day! Let's have some cotton-themed humor: I'm allergic to cotton
I would take medicine for it, but I can't get it out of the bottle I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist
They said it wasn't fair My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...
...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point." "Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj" Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."#worldcottonday
I would take medicine for it, but I can't get it out of the bottle I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist
They said it wasn't fair My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...
...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point." "Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj" Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."#worldcottonday
World Cotton Day Jokes
On 7th October it's World Cotton Day! Let's have some cotton-themed humor: I'm allergic to cotton
I would take medicine for it, but I can't get it out of the bottle I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist
They said it wasn't fair My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...
...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point." "Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj" Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."#worldcottonday
I would take medicine for it, but I can't get it out of the bottle I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist
They said it wasn't fair My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...
...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point." "Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj" Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."#worldcottonday
15 Funny Dog Jokes
Q: Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
A: They've got 2 left feet!
Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make ends meet.
Q: What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his dog biscuits?
A: “Ahh, that really hit the spots.“
Q: What happened to the dog who went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!
Q: When a dog has a fever, what's the best thing to feed him?
A: Mustardâ€"it's the best thing for hot dogs.
Q: What do dogs do after they complete obedience school?
A: They get their masters.
Q: Why couldn't the dog get the apple?
A: He was barking up the wrong tree!
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!
Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering!
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and a tree?
A: By their bark!
A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today. Police are looking for leads.
Beware of dog? A woman walks into a shop and sees a cute dog by the counter. She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?†The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.†The woman pets the dog, who barks and nips her. “Ouch!†she shouts. “I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!†The shopkeeper replies, “I did! That's not my dog!â€
Q: Are dogs good at science?
A: Well, Labs are!
Q: Why do dogs float?
A: Because they're good buoys!
Q: Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
A: He knew how to paws for dramatic effect!
A: They've got 2 left feet!
Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make ends meet.
Q: What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his dog biscuits?
A: “Ahh, that really hit the spots.“
Q: What happened to the dog who went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!
Q: When a dog has a fever, what's the best thing to feed him?
A: Mustardâ€"it's the best thing for hot dogs.
Q: What do dogs do after they complete obedience school?
A: They get their masters.
Q: Why couldn't the dog get the apple?
A: He was barking up the wrong tree!
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!
Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering!
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and a tree?
A: By their bark!
A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today. Police are looking for leads.
Beware of dog? A woman walks into a shop and sees a cute dog by the counter. She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?†The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.†The woman pets the dog, who barks and nips her. “Ouch!†she shouts. “I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!†The shopkeeper replies, “I did! That's not my dog!â€
Q: Are dogs good at science?
A: Well, Labs are!
Q: Why do dogs float?
A: Because they're good buoys!
Q: Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
A: He knew how to paws for dramatic effect!
Few classic Dad Jokes, and few very fresh
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast. I tell dad jokes all the time even though I'm not actually a dad
I'm a faux pa. I changed all my passwords to 'Kenny'
Now I have all Kenny Loggins What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?
Put it on my bill. I dreamt last night that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted. A friend had a new baby girl. Her coworker asked: “What's her name?â€
My friend replied: "Melanie Noelle."
Her coworker: "How do you spell it, then?" I spent all my money collecting every bird species in my zoo, except one. My wife hates it.
But I have no egrets.
Nothing, they fast. I tell dad jokes all the time even though I'm not actually a dad
I'm a faux pa. I changed all my passwords to 'Kenny'
Now I have all Kenny Loggins What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?
Put it on my bill. I dreamt last night that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted. A friend had a new baby girl. Her coworker asked: “What's her name?â€
My friend replied: "Melanie Noelle."
Her coworker: "How do you spell it, then?" I spent all my money collecting every bird species in my zoo, except one. My wife hates it.
But I have no egrets.
What My Doctor Told Me
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said "less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.
Well he actually said "less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.
Short Jokes, Long Laughs
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition. 19 and 20 had a fight...
21...
19 was injured, 22. A young boy asked his father if he could try coffee
The dad said “sure son! Have a sip.â€
The boy took a sip and immediately spit it out. “Yuck!†he said, “this tastes like dirt!â€
“We'll of course it does, son. It was ground this morning!†I hate it when you're on the toilet and you notice there is no toilet paper left. Then you have to walk with your trousers round your ankles to get another roll… Anyway, I'm nearly at the Walmart now!
But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition. 19 and 20 had a fight...
21...
19 was injured, 22. A young boy asked his father if he could try coffee
The dad said “sure son! Have a sip.â€
The boy took a sip and immediately spit it out. “Yuck!†he said, “this tastes like dirt!â€
“We'll of course it does, son. It was ground this morning!†I hate it when you're on the toilet and you notice there is no toilet paper left. Then you have to walk with your trousers round your ankles to get another roll… Anyway, I'm nearly at the Walmart now!
Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Can't Hold Your Bladder!
Q: What's the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine?
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it's not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth! Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine! Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis. Q: What is a woman's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand! A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you.â€
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It's me talking to the wine. A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest's breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He's done it again! Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don't know, maybe 20 minutes? Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald's. Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What's your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it's not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth! Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine! Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis. Q: What is a woman's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand! A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you.â€
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It's me talking to the wine. A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest's breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He's done it again! Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don't know, maybe 20 minutes? Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald's. Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What's your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.
World Older Persons Day Jokes
On 1st October we recognize the International Day of Older Persons! Here are some jokes to mark the occasion:An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her.
"So," he says, "Do I come here often?"What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together.
They lived to a ripe old age.What's the best part of old age?
That it doesn't last very long.These are not gray hairs! They are
wisdom highlights.Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.Old age makes us great multitaskers.
I can sneeze and pee at the same time!What's the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends …
because they can't remember them!Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind getting older, then it really doesn't matter.Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.Now that I've gotten older, everything's finally starting to click for me.
My knees, my back, my neck …I've decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.I called the incontinence hotline recently.
They asked if I could hold.Of all your children, the only one who won't grow up and move away is
your husband.#internationaldayofolderpersons
"So," he says, "Do I come here often?"What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together.
They lived to a ripe old age.What's the best part of old age?
That it doesn't last very long.These are not gray hairs! They are
wisdom highlights.Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.Old age makes us great multitaskers.
I can sneeze and pee at the same time!What's the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends …
because they can't remember them!Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind getting older, then it really doesn't matter.Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.Now that I've gotten older, everything's finally starting to click for me.
My knees, my back, my neck …I've decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.I called the incontinence hotline recently.
They asked if I could hold.Of all your children, the only one who won't grow up and move away is
your husband.#internationaldayofolderpersons
World Translation Day Jokes
On 30th September we celebrate World Translation Day! Find jokes about it below:What do you call a translator who is always on time?A punctual linguist.A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,†he said, “a double negative forms a positive.
However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.â€
A voice from the back of the room retorted, “Yeah, right.â€Two translators on a ship are talking.“Can you swim?†asks one.“No†says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages.â€#worldtranslationday
However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.â€
A voice from the back of the room retorted, “Yeah, right.â€Two translators on a ship are talking.“Can you swim?†asks one.“No†says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages.â€#worldtranslationday