Sometimes I wake up grumpy…
But other times I let her sleep in! What smells better than it tastes?
A nose. I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am i?
A liar. Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.
Broco Lee. I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill! When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.
The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"
The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."
I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either." Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
We changed it in the 9th century.
You mean you changed it TO 'Latrine?'
Yeah. Used to be 'Shithouse.'
Appointment With My Cardiologist
I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5.
I left immediately!
Why?
I have to have better odds than that.
I left immediately!
Why?
I have to have better odds than that.
Most recent Thanksgiving Jokes - fresh from 2023
What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
"You wanna piece of me?" How did you find grandma's turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy. Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit. What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!" What's the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving. Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight. Find New
"You wanna piece of me?" How did you find grandma's turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy. Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit. What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!" What's the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving. Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight. Find New
Most recent Thanksgiving Jokes - fresh from 2023
What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
"You wanna piece of me?" How did you find grandma's turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy. Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit. What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!" What's the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving. Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight. Find New
"You wanna piece of me?" How did you find grandma's turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy. Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit. What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!" What's the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving. Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight. Find New
Most recent Thanksgiving Jokes - fresh from 2023
What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
"You wanna piece of me?" How did you find grandma's turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy. Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit. What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!" What's the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving. Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight. Find New
"You wanna piece of me?" How did you find grandma's turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy. Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit. What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!" What's the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving. Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight. Find New
Most recent Thanksgiving Jokes - fresh from 2023
What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
"You wanna piece of me?" How did you find grandma's turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy. Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit. What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!" What's the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving. Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight. Find New
"You wanna piece of me?" How did you find grandma's turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy. Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit. What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!" What's the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving. Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight. Find New
Most recent Thanksgiving Jokes - fresh from 2023
What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
"You wanna piece of me?" How did you find grandma's turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy. Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit. What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!" What's the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving. Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight. Find New
"You wanna piece of me?" How did you find grandma's turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy. Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit. What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!" What's the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving. Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight. Find New
One more set of Thanksgiving jokes - new from 2023
Why is Thanksgiving a great holiday for gossip?
Because the best part are the side dishes. Why do turkeys love R-rated movies?
Because they use fowl language. If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships. Why are Thanksgiving and Halloween similar?
They both have gobble-ins. Check more of
Because the best part are the side dishes. Why do turkeys love R-rated movies?
Because they use fowl language. If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships. Why are Thanksgiving and Halloween similar?
They both have gobble-ins. Check more of
Hunting jokes
Two hunters are lost in the woods.
After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says:
"I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue".
So they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried
and one says: "I hope we get help soon",
To which the other responds, "I know right, I am almost out of arrows"! ************* "If you're planning to go to the forest, always remember to pack a radio, a flare and a pack of cards.
If you get lost, you can try to use the radio to call someone.
If you run out of batteries, you can shot the flare up into the air...
The cards? Well, if the radio doesn't work and the flare gets wet, you sit down and play solitary.
Sooner than later
someone will tap you in the shoulder to ask you
why don't you move the queen of hearts to the king of clubs" ************* Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir.
I can help.
First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang.
Back on the phone, the guy says,
"OK, now what?" ************* Two inexperienced hunters are out in the woods, and after a while they come upon some tracks.
"These are bear tracks!" the first hunter exclaims.
"No, idiot, they're deer tracks!" the second one retorts.
"No, moron ..."
And they go on like this for hours, until a train hits them.
After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says:
"I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue".
So they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried
and one says: "I hope we get help soon",
To which the other responds, "I know right, I am almost out of arrows"! ************* "If you're planning to go to the forest, always remember to pack a radio, a flare and a pack of cards.
If you get lost, you can try to use the radio to call someone.
If you run out of batteries, you can shot the flare up into the air...
The cards? Well, if the radio doesn't work and the flare gets wet, you sit down and play solitary.
Sooner than later
someone will tap you in the shoulder to ask you
why don't you move the queen of hearts to the king of clubs" ************* Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir.
I can help.
First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang.
Back on the phone, the guy says,
"OK, now what?" ************* Two inexperienced hunters are out in the woods, and after a while they come upon some tracks.
"These are bear tracks!" the first hunter exclaims.
"No, idiot, they're deer tracks!" the second one retorts.
"No, moron ..."
And they go on like this for hours, until a train hits them.
7 new jokes for a good start of the week
I made a lamb curry last night…
Apparently they prefer grass! Someone stole all my lamps you'd think I'd be upset...
but I'm actually delighted. I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can't see myself wearing it! My Dad always said it was rude to point…
Great man, rubbish bricklayer! Does anyone know a good towel joke?
I really like dry humor. I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster. I was dating a girl named Ruth but I broke up with her.
I'm ruthless.
Apparently they prefer grass! Someone stole all my lamps you'd think I'd be upset...
but I'm actually delighted. I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can't see myself wearing it! My Dad always said it was rude to point…
Great man, rubbish bricklayer! Does anyone know a good towel joke?
I really like dry humor. I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster. I was dating a girl named Ruth but I broke up with her.
I'm ruthless.
A Bag of Air
I bought a bag of air today…
The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
A Bag of Air
I bought a bag of air today…
The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
A Bag of Air
I bought a bag of air today…
The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
Call It A Day
An Irishman had just walked into a bar when he tripped over and fell.
He got up and said, "Guess I can call it a day."
He got up and said, "Guess I can call it a day."
7 Funny short jokes to wake you up
We just watched the Tetris movie.
It's a blockbuster My family is getting sick of me telling dad jokes 24/7.
Or should I say “they are sick of me telling dad jokes 3.428571428571429� When I was younger I had a job pretending to be a statue.
I held that position for some time. The new thought-activated car they're working on is going to be even more popular than the voice-activated one.
It goes without saying. My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know.
I'm so glad she fell for me I have two questions about this Taylor Swift lady:
What kind of clothes does she make? And how fast does she make them, really? I can't think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle.
At least not right off the top of my head. What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?
A heavy drinker.
It's a blockbuster My family is getting sick of me telling dad jokes 24/7.
Or should I say “they are sick of me telling dad jokes 3.428571428571429� When I was younger I had a job pretending to be a statue.
I held that position for some time. The new thought-activated car they're working on is going to be even more popular than the voice-activated one.
It goes without saying. My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know.
I'm so glad she fell for me I have two questions about this Taylor Swift lady:
What kind of clothes does she make? And how fast does she make them, really? I can't think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle.
At least not right off the top of my head. What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?
A heavy drinker.
Tiny Pieces Of Paper
Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds...
But instead I'm going to run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.
But instead I'm going to run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.
A burglar and Jesus
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
A burglar and Jesus
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
A burglar and Jesus
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
A burglar and Jesus
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
A burglar and Jesus
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
A burglar and Jesus
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
31 Dad Jokes to Start the Week with a Smile on Your Face
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know… Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis. I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along. I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line. If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's OK, he woke up. My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn't go into work. Whoever stole my depression medication â€"
I hope you're happy now. I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat. What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky. How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together. Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh! Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school. I'm afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered. Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It's the wurst. What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated. I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward. I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. I have a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it. What's the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y. I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice. What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!†What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop. Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked. It's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
I'll let you know… Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis. I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along. I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line. If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's OK, he woke up. My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn't go into work. Whoever stole my depression medication â€"
I hope you're happy now. I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat. What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky. How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together. Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh! Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school. I'm afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered. Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It's the wurst. What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated. I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward. I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. I have a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it. What's the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y. I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice. What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!†What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop. Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked. It's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
At the pharmacy
A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
At the pharmacy
A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
At the pharmacy
A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Almost at the end of the week? Check out these jokes to help you survive!
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today…
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy! What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire. Me: What's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go.
So what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
No spaces, all lowercase! Three men are on a boat They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter. Got myself a takeaway coffee today.
I asked if I could pay by card.
The waitress said, "Yes of course.
What have you got?"
I said, "The four of clubs!" Did you hear about the plan to prohibit the use of Roman numerals?
I for one, think it's a terrible idea. My wife told me she couldn't stay married to a cross dresser.
So I packed her things and left. Husband takes his wife to a disco, theres a man on the dance floor, moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. Wife turns to her husband & sighs "You see that man?
25 years ago he asked me to marry him & I said no!" Husband says "It looks like he's still out celebrating!"
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy! What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire. Me: What's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go.
So what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
No spaces, all lowercase! Three men are on a boat They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter. Got myself a takeaway coffee today.
I asked if I could pay by card.
The waitress said, "Yes of course.
What have you got?"
I said, "The four of clubs!" Did you hear about the plan to prohibit the use of Roman numerals?
I for one, think it's a terrible idea. My wife told me she couldn't stay married to a cross dresser.
So I packed her things and left. Husband takes his wife to a disco, theres a man on the dance floor, moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. Wife turns to her husband & sighs "You see that man?
25 years ago he asked me to marry him & I said no!" Husband says "It looks like he's still out celebrating!"
Dropping me down to a B
I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period. However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.
35 New Halloween jokes from 2023
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange or Nec-tarines? Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea! Why don't vampires eat cows?
They don't like stakes. Who did Frankenstein's monster bring to prom?
His ghoulfriend. Why didn't the police arrest the zombie?
He couldn't be taken alive. How do ghosts drink their coffee?
With scream and sugar. How many real vampires are there?
None. Unless you count Dracula. What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
Ice scream sandwich. Why did the ghost quit his job?
They kept making him work the graveyard shift. Tired of new jokes? We have big collection of
A blood orange or Nec-tarines? Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea! Why don't vampires eat cows?
They don't like stakes. Who did Frankenstein's monster bring to prom?
His ghoulfriend. Why didn't the police arrest the zombie?
He couldn't be taken alive. How do ghosts drink their coffee?
With scream and sugar. How many real vampires are there?
None. Unless you count Dracula. What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
Ice scream sandwich. Why did the ghost quit his job?
They kept making him work the graveyard shift. Tired of new jokes? We have big collection of